How to Use the Misery From Your Most Painful Break-up to Improve Your Next One

M. Brown

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Those of you who have experienced the heart-stomping, nerve-frying, spirit-breaking pain of a devastating break-up know exactly what that feels like. It’s brutal.

However, I’m not here to wallow in the agony of the suffering that was undoubtedly experienced by an apocalyptic break-up — no matter how tragically real that pain is.

I’m here to help turn that misery into a path forward — with ways to forge ahead into the light of optimism in regards to relationships and away from the darkness of emotional desolation.

Stop Deciding You’re Not Worth It

No matter what happened to cause a nasty break-up, no matter who was at fault, that baggage doesn’t need to come with you into your next relationship.

Many people who were dumped, cheated on, belittled, or abused in their past relationships tend to carry that heavy load with them when they meet a new potential partner. Quite often, there’s a sense of worthlessness that comes with that pain.

It’s extremely difficult not to bring excess relationship baggage into new relationships but it’s absolutely necessary that you try because that negative energy is ridiculously toxic.

Before venturing into a new relationship YOU need to make the decision that you’re worth it. You’re worthy of being loved, cared for, and respected, for starters. Stop making yourself less than you are just because of a past relationship that ended badly.

When you decide you’re not worth it, it’s all over. Not only that but how can you expect to be a functional partner for someone else if you’re still wallowing in self-pity and insecurity?

To move on to a more productive and healthy relationship, you’ve got to make the conscious decision that you’re ready to live inside that kind of partnership — despite the way your last relationship turned out.

Play A Different Relationship Role

One of the keys to being part of a better relationship after your last one crashed and burned is to attempt to switch up your relationship role — especially if that role has led to negative behavior.

Any relationship role you have played in the past — whatever it may be — could be preventing you from evolving inside new relationships. Perhaps you tend to play too much of the victim role in relationships when things don’t go your way OR maybe you tend to play the role of an instigator in relationships which causes arguing instead of productive communication.

Reflecting on the type of relationship role you tend to fall into is vital to understanding your patterns.

We all have patterns. Sometimes we develop toxic patterns without ever intending to. That’s OK. The important part is recognizing it, acknowledging it, and then making a concerted effort to change it.

If you keep entering into new relationships playing the same kind of role and displaying the same type of behavior, you may end up with the same results as the last time.

This doesn't mean it’s your fault that any particular relationship ended, however, it’s always a good idea to self-reflect in regards to what went wrong and how we might be able to improve ourselves going forward.

Look at The Odds

The more relationships we enter into, the more likely it is that we will get hurt. Those are just the odds.

Has every relationship you’ve had ended dramatically and/or painfully? Some of them? The majority of them?

If the answer is the majority, it might be time to take a break and really look inwards as to how you’re picking partners and navigating relationships.

At some point — especially if the self-work is done on ourselves — something’s got to give as far as finding a relationship that works out.

Beating the relationship odds IS possible.

The odds of actually finding someone who might make a great, long-lasting partner do truly exist but if we continue to stay miserable because of our last relationship which may have ended terribly instead of facing the lessons we need to learn — those odds will go out the window.

Any one of us can improve our odds of finding a new and positive relationship after a gut-wrenching break-up if we decide to reflect on our patterns and choices.

No Pain — No Gain

Heartbreak never feels good but sometimes it’s necessary. Pain does tend to breed personal evolution. One of the best relationships I've ever had in my life came after 2 unbelievably hellish relationships that ended like a train wreck.

The whole ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ expression rings true here. If I had never experienced betrayal or heartbreak I wouldn't have been able to recognize the value of my current partner or be able to receive the healthy love he wanted to give me as opposed to the unhealthy love that was hurting me in past relationships.

I would never have known what I truly needed in a romantic partner if I had never gone through the process of learning what I didn’t need.

Using the pain from past relationships will inevitably unearth new emotional discoveries — but peeling that onion IS worth it, in the end.

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