There is a misconception about the chase when dating versus married. Before I get into the details about the importance of ‘the chase,’ let’s look at various causes why men lose interest in their wives after marriage. Many of the same reasons are also valid for why women lose interest.
Common Reasons People Lose Interest In Marriage
- Financial pressures
- Lack of intimacy
- Lack of emotional connection
- One spouse parenting or controlling the other
- Too many demands without appreciation and respect
- One partner had not shown their true colors before the marriage
- Giving more attention to children than to each other
- Non-compatible families and traditions
Everything seems hunky dory while you are dating. If you are lucky, you make it past your first squabble and feel you can tackle any challenge together. A few more months pass, and you start recognizing each other’s flaws. You are still in love and ready to commit the rest of your life to this person.
After the “honeymoon phase” is over is when the car goes from 75mph to a screeching halt. Suddenly the passion and romance fade away as you navigate real-life issues together. Those flaws become a bigger problem when we are not distracted by passion and romance. Suddenly you are arguing over tiny, unimportant things.
Why do so many people desire life-long commitment when it seems like a prison sentence? Well, done right, marriage is the most beautiful commitment possible. However, neither spouse can rest on their laurels. Both spouses need to pour effort into the relationship and themselves.
The Main Reason People Lose Interest in Their Marriage
We all enjoy the novelty of a new relationship. The honeymoon, or new stage, of the relationship, is when you are on your best behavior. You wear nice clothing and put effort into your appearance. You show appreciation to your significant other. You watch all of your manners. As you get more comfortable, your effort begins to wane.
Suddenly you are lying around in sweatpants, eating potato chips and talking with your mouth full.
Stop falling into lazy patterns. Daily life is where marriages go wrong. Most marriages do not end in divorce because of one catastrophic argument but because people fall out of love. Hmmmm…. is that even possible to fall out of love, to stop loving someone? It is one of two things; either you never loved the person to begin with, or the mundane daily life of marriage made you realize you did not accept and appreciate the person as much as you once thought. It is the small daily stressors that cause the biggest problems.
Regardless, there is no challenge or excitement once you stop chasing one another.
So, the chase, or lack thereof, is why many people lose interest in their marriage and often have affairs.
My mom always said, and mind you, she was born in 1936, “you should always prepare yourself for when your husband comes home. Put something nice on, do your make-up, and fix your hair. Serve him a cocktail, and don’t speak until he has time to unwind.” That was a different era, but she made a good point that when our husband sees excellent eye candy and talks with nice women throughout the day, we must step up our game and show up as our best selves.
Likewise, my dad, born in 1930, always said, “Never stop dating your husband. Always make an effort to keep the passion alive.”
My parents were happily married for 62 years. They had it figured out. They knew the chase was important. They never manipulated or played mind games. They put a concerted effort into each other and their relationship.
Try to remember those early days of dating your spouse. Did you send each other love messages or texts? Did you use more cute lovey-dovey emojis? Are you taking care of yourself so your spouse remains interested?
Success in marriage, like most things in life, lies in the little things. The bids for attention, showing appreciation, speaking kindly with respect to one another, and making errands fun by laughing together — those daily tasks are what matter most. Be curious about each other. Help each other with household duties. Go on dates without friends or family tagging along. Leave love notes on the bathroom mirror.
A spark doesn’t just stay alive. It has to be stoked. A relationship needs oxygen to stay alive. Stoke your marriage by surprising each other from time to time. Try new hobbies together. Anyone can keep the excitement alive by going on vacations. I challenge you to turn everyday life into your love shack. You could get McDonald’s carry out and light candles and hold hands. It doesn’t take much. In fact, many romantic things are free.
Free Romantic Date Ideas
- Picnic in a park
- Walk in the woods
- Visit a free museum
- Paint together. Better yet, paint each other’s body
- Cook together
- Take a bubble bath together
- Give each other massages
- Watch a comedy show and laugh together
Let’s get this divorce rate down and be better role models for future generations. A commitment should be honored unless abuse is present. Too many of us, myself included, give up too easily on our spouse. Let’s turn this around.
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