Satire: When You're Old, going to the Dentist Can Be a Learning Experience

Larry E Lambert

I try to go to the dentist every decade, whether I need to or not. I went there today, actually. And as it turns out, I needed to. I recently mentioned, I’m losing hair. Well, just as my scalp has lost hair, my mouth has lost teeth.

And just as I’ve deployed my remaining hair to cover as much scalp as possible, my teeth have taken it upon themselves to cover as much mouth as possible. Way to show initiative, guys. With the shifting of teeth came an unexpected benefit. Flossing is much easier. But my dental picture isn’t all peaches and cream. (Actually, peaches and cream sound pretty good right now.) There are some things I’ll have to deal.

I learned a new dental term.

I have a solitary tooth in the very back of my mouth. My dentist referred to it as, “a stand-alone tooth.” Generally speaking, a “stand-alone tooth” isn’t a good thing. However, I like to put a positive spin on it.

Stand-alone tooth makes it sound like the tooth is a rugged individualist. He’s the kind of tooth who would have been at the Alamo, or the Masada. A kind of last tooth standing sort of guy.

He’s pretty self-sufficient, not needing much beyond the occasion brushing.

There is work ahead.

There is enough work in my too small mouth to make it necessary to take the needed work in phases. It looks like the left side of my mouth will require three crowns.

I do a lot of chewing on the left side of my mouth. On the lower left side of my mouth is a molar that needs one of those crowns. I refer to it as my “eating tooth.”

Let me explain the different type of teeth.

Some dental people will tell you there are four types of teeth: incisors, canines, premolars and third molars. I’ll tell you there are two types of teeth: looking teeth and eating teeth.

I mentioned that one of my eating teeth will be crowned. In addition, I need a crown on one of my upper looking teeth. I was sharing this information with my dentist. He was a young guy and seemed unaware of this.

I’m hoping, with the help of my dentist, I will be eating solid food for a few more years.

Comments / 0

Published by

You probably don't know my name, but you've likely seen or heard my work. I've written for various syndicated cartoonists and TV standups. My gags have appeared in such publications as The Wall Street Journal, Better Homes and Gardens, Barron's, Parade Magazine, and the Saturday Evening Post. The comedians I've sold to include Jay Leno for the Tonight Show. In addition, I've written for radio stations and ad agencies. I hope you enjoy my work.

Largo, FL

More from Larry E Lambert

Comments / 0