My Cat - the Bodyguard

L.A. Strucke

He's not afraid to use his claws

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If you want to be my friend, you are going to have to deal with my cat. He’s been around a while now, and he knows how to screen people.

If you walk up to my place and he starts hissing, I will know not to open the door. My bodyguard can tell if you have any criminal tendencies. Don’t ask me how. He knows.

If you enter my home and he sniffs you and walks away in a huff, that’s not a good sign. It’s even worse if he flattens his ears, and growls. If he whips around his tail and takes a bite out of you, I’m sorry, but we both know we won’t be friends for long. If he is forced to injure you, my cat has directed us to put in writing that we are not responsible for your medical bills. Be warned.

If he comes up to you, and sniffs your hand, and doesn’t run away, he is putting you to the test. Many have tried, and many have failed, A few more visits with us and you will know for sure you’ve passed when he’s decided to sit next to you and allowed you to pet him.

If you come over, and he rubs your ankles with his chin, that means you have may be gaining his approval. If he keeps doing it and attempts to trip you, then he’s just messing with you. A cat has to have some entertainment in life. Unfortunately for you, you‘re it.

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If you want to get in my cat’s good graces, play with him with a fun toy. His favorite are toy mice or birds on a stick. Rumor he was an Olympic gymnast in his last life and still has serious jumping skills. You can purchase his favorite toy at a quality pet store. If his requested toy is out of your price range, he has informed me that he will take points off your test score and allow a catnip mouse substitution.

If you really want to win me as your friend, food is the way to my cat’s heart. You have several options to choose from. You can bring over fresh fish (his favorite is salmon), prime cuts of steak from the butcher, or cook him up some chicken cutlets. I’ll let you in on a secret. He’s easily bribed with cat treats. He prefers the chicken flavor.

Once my feline bodyguard permits you to enter our home and visit, he will be observing your every move all night. He will especially pay close attention when you are anywhere near me. My cat does not tolerate loud people, so be sure to keep your voice down. He seems to have a preference for musicians. And the human that plays with him, is his favorite human of all.

If you pass his tests, next he will observe how you treat me. You can score points with him by sharing your food. He will pay close attention to how you conduct yourself with me. If you are being rude, he will know.

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If we are watching a movie, my cat will position himself within view of us and stare sternly at us. He knows if you’re sincere or not, or just trying to take advantage of me. If you’re not behaving, he will growl at you and give you the evil cat’s eye. He’ll then leap on you with his claws out. He doesn’t like his claws clipped and they’re sharp. And he’s not afraid to use them. Be warned.

At the end of the visit, if he’s jumped into your lap, purred, and allowed you to pet him, you will know you’re safe, and he’s given you his approval to be my friend.

You are then a very fortunate person.

Note: He hasn’t approved anyone yet.

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