6 Questions to Ask if You Think You're Falling in Love

Kelly E.

“Do I like him?” is one of the least important ones.


Photo by Jeremy Banks on Unsplash

You go into a dating scenario and one of the first questions you ask yourself is “Do I like them?” We all do it. You’re not weird, (or maybe you are! I don’t know you after all) but the question is a normal one.

What we don’t realize is how unimportant it is.

Sure, you need to like the person you’re dating but liking is a funny thing. We can easily like people for the wrong reasons.

We can like them for who they remind us of.

We can like them for the potential we see in them.

We cen like them because they’re exciting and make us feel alive.

We can even like them because we feel sorry for them.

Liking someone is not enough of a reason to enter into a committed relationship with them. So what can we ask ourselves. What questions will help us assess whether this person is worthy of our love?

Here are 6 questions that will help you decide whether a relationship is worth putting more effort into, and ultimately, help you find love:

1. How safe and secure do I feel?

How do you feel around them? It’s important not to ignore that little instinct that says you’re unsafe. (Learning about “red flags” can be helpful in dating.) But apart from physical safety, it’s also important to ask how safe and secure you feel emotionally around them.

Early on, everyone is nervous and nothing feels secure, but within a few weeks/months you should get a better indication.

Do they introduce you to their friends and family?

Do they want to spend time with you?

Can you talk to them about anything?

Is there talk about your future together?

If you feel like they’re not trustworthy, or you worry they’re not fully into you or your relationship, then perhaps they aren’t the one for you. Feeling secure in a relationship is important.

A side note: As adults, we often come into relationships with unhealthy attachment styles that make us feel insecure. If this is something you struggle with, it’s important to work on it so you can develop healthier relationships in the future.

2. How into me are they?

Do they show their feelings with loving affection? When someone is interested in you, they show it. People who are falling in love want to spend time together regularly, message most days, and are excited to see each other. They want to touch and show affection.

When someone is into you they make an effort. If you’re the only one making plans and the relationship has become one-sided, they’re showing you that they aren’t all that interested. Perhaps they aren’t ready for a relationship because their life is too busy, or they’re still moving on from an ex.

If someone has strong feelings for you, they’ll show it with action.

3. How well do we communicate?

Is silence awkward or okay? We don’t need to communicate ALL THE TIME. Constant insistence on communication can subtlety turn into control.

Take Fi and Dave for example:

Fi insisted that her and her boyfriend Dave sit down and have a serious chat a few times a week. “We really need to talk, Dave,” she would say. What followed was a long discussion — hours often — where she told Dave what needed to change and what wasn’t working for her. To her, it felt like good communication. To Dave, it felt like a lecture.

Good communication is more than just talking a lot. If someone is a bad listener, if you’re often fighting or giving each other the silent treatment, if you’re unable to talk about certain issues or share your feelings openly — is that really going to change?

4. Do I like who I am around them?

We become the people we spend the most time with. What will that mean with this person? Are you happy with that?

Sometimes a partner brings out the best in us, but sometimes they highlight our worst characteristics. Not all personalities blend well together. If you don’t like who you are when you’re together, it’s no one’s fault — you just aren’t a good match.

5. Do I like their character?

You find your date attractive and exciting. You have feelings of love (or lust) that are getting stronger, but do you actually like them as a person? Initial feelings of attraction fade after about a year (or less). After the honeymoon period is over, are you happy with the person you’re left with?

Long term, it helps to have a partner whose values and morals align with yours and whose personality you like. Common interests are helpful but their character is what really matters. Differences in your personality and values will only become more pronounced over time.

It’s not easy, but try seeing them as a stranger would. Are they someone you’d want as a friend?

6. Is there chemistry and attraction?

There is always an argument about chemistry and attraction. Yes, it isn’t always there initially and it can grow.

We need to give chemistry time — people often expect instant attraction and magic but nerves get in the way (and sometimes you need to get to know someone before they become attractive!)

But it is important! Without chemistry and attraction, you’re just friends.

“Liking” someone is just the start. We also need to feel secure, have good communication, and affection. These are needs not wants. They make us feel satisfied with our relationships.

Chemistry and attraction are important too but, in the long-term, your partner’s character and who you are together matter more.

After 6 months of dating post-divorce, I found a man who ticked all the boxes. He wasn’t the typical guy I end up liking, but when I asked myself the 6 questions it became obvious our relationship was worth investing in. Two years later, we’re married and very much in love!

Check in with yourself and ask: how secure you feel, how into you they seem, if you communicate well, whether they make you a better person, if you like their character, and if there's enough chemistry. These six questions will help you date with more awareness, because who you pick as a partner matters. Pick carefully.

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