An Updated List of the Top 5 Party Schools in the U.S. (According to How They’re Handling the Coronavirus)

Kalea Martin

19 of the 25 worst U.S. coronavirus outbreaks are in college towns, so if applying to party schools is the top priority of your college search, you’ll want to jot these ones down.

Wherever you go to college, you’ll find that students work hard as much as they play hard. That means you’ll find party goers whose defining trait is that literally nothing will stop them. Twenty-degree weather didn’t stop me from wearing a skin-tight dress to my hockey formal, a final exam didn’t stop my best friend from drinking six…teen margaritas on her 21st birthday (don’t worry she aced that exam), and the 5am sunrise didn’t stop my roommates from leaving a Las Vegas casino during Spring Break.

But if even a global pandemic won’t stop you from partying hard, well, you’ve achieved a new level of party animal status, and you’ve definitely achieved a new level of idiocy, so you’ll probably feel right at home at these colleges:

#1 Arizona State University

Reporting a whopping 4,118 reports of positive cases at just seven colleges as of September 26, Arizona boasts the nation’s highest percentage of college campus coronavirus cases. Arizona State University has therefore successfully managed to maintain it’s elite status as the #1 Party School in the Country.

ASU’s students are keeping the Tempe Police Department busy with their disruptive “COVID parties,” conveniently advertised to the campus community through the Instagram account asu_covid.parties under the pretense, “No more social distancing. No more masks. It is time to party.” Community Assistants (ASU’s version of Resident Advisors) confirm that on a midnightly basis, students in a cult-like fashion host overcrowded gatherings in their dorms, complete with slip-and-slides, lines of eager students and off-campus guests awaiting entrance, basketball games, and not a single facemask in sight. Michael Crow is the President of ASU)

#2 University of Alabama

Coming in at #2 is the University of Alabama, responsible for the majority of the 7,481 reports of positive coronavirus cases as of September 26 at Alabama’s twenty-six colleges.

By the first week of classes, University of Alabama students were already partying hard, day and night, coronavirus being nothing but a distant summer memory to them. Despite bars and nightclubs in Tuscaloosa closing at an early 11pm according to new state regulations, The Tuscaloosa News reports that crowds of hundreds of unmasked students will simply move to houses to continue partying diligently after Last Call hour.

#3 University of Georgia

Georgia is a national hotspot for the coronavirus, and its colleges have helped keep it that way, with 8,733 reports of positive cases and growing at its 35 schools as of September 26.

Apparently to students at University of Georgia, Greek Life is much more important than actual life, because sororities and fraternities have ignored practically every COVID-19 precaution since the beginning of the school year.

Dismayed over the cancellation of recruitment events, formals, and social gatherings, sororities and fraternities have resorted to collectively hosting ragers on front lawns and renting off-campus apartments to be used exclusively for parties.

#4 Clemson University

Prompting a police investigation, Clemson University is largely responsible for South Carolina’s college campuses being among the highest for coronavirus cases, the state reporting a rapidly growing 6,323 reports at its twenty-six colleges as of September 26.

Delaying their full-reopening until September 21 only did one thing for the Clemson community, and that was delaying hundreds of irresponsible students from hosting parties that violated social distancing regulations to the point of police involvement and student suspension. Regardless, Clemson police Chief Jeff Stone still considers this level of COVID compliance to be relatively higher than normal, which says a lot about Clemson as a party school.

#5 Texas Christian University

TCU is just one of the eighty coronavirus-infested Texas colleges, the combination of which totals 12,460 reports of positive cases as of September 26.

For a university whose Mission Statement is, “to educate individuals to think and act as ethical leaders and responsible citizens in the global community,” ironically, many of Texas Christian University’s students are behaving particularly irresponsibly by purposefully disregarding coronavirus safety precautions and the lives of those in their community that are at high-risk.

Party after party, TCU’s students are taking the virus as seriously as the brief email sent out by the vice chancellor for student affairs Kathy Cavins-Tull, which gently urged students in purple font, “Do not attend parties,” “#ProtectThePurple,” and “Go Frogs!”

Partying through a pandemic is hands down (and mask down) the best way to party through college — well, maybe just your freshman year if you’re lucky enough to beat the virus you’ll inevitably catch while attending one of these schools. The numbers speak for themselves: apparently no one parties harder than anti-maskers, especially in the South.

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