My Five-Year-Old Daughter's Guide To Bugs (A Satire)

JL Matthews

Disclaimer: This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

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Fire Ants — Fearsome monsters that prey on any living creature with their horrible flesh-eating bites. They can also randomly conjure fireballs. Their nests are located on playgrounds, in our yard, and potentially under beds.

Red Ants — Fire Ants (see above)

Black Ants — Fire Ants (see above)

Gnats, Fruit Flies, Mosquitos — Winged Fire Ants

Yellow Jackets — Terrible demonic bugs. They live only to seek out children and sting them. Dad had an allergic reaction after being stung when he was ten. Nana still remembers and repeats the tale often. Dad has to carry an EpiPen to this day — proof of their evil.

Honeybees — Yellow Jackets (see above)

Bumblebees — Large Yellow Jackets (see above)

Wasps — Not Yellow Jackets, but still awful.

Moths — Harmless…unless you touch them (unclear as to why).

Large Mosquitos — Wasps (see above)

Red Ladybugs — Small, red beetles that feed on aphids. Harmless.

Orange Ladybugs — Same as Red Ladybugs except deadly poisonous — according to next-door-neighbor Gabby. Do not touch.

Houseflies — Generic ‘bug’. Terror increases with quantity and proximity. They can cause freak-outs if one is trapped in the car.

Worms — Gross ‘bug’. No redeeming value, no matter how many times Mom and Dad explain their role in the ecosystem.

Millipedes — Same as Worms, but ‘poisonous.’

Cicada Larvae Shells — Obviously not of this world. Should be fed to the dogs for the cool crunching sound they make.

Ticks — Not sure what they are, but they must be poisonous. Nana insists on checking for them whenever I play near even a single tree.

Roly Polies — Fun, harmless creatures that should be collected en masse into a plastic bucket. Their ensuing starvation is both regrettable and unavoidable.

(Mating) DragonFlies — These long, winged creatures love ‘riding piggy-back’ with their friends at the nearby pond. Unclear why Mom and Dad snicker every time I mention that.

Featured Image by Nimrod Oren from Pixabay

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JL Matthews is a writer with interests spanning history, humor, tv/film, parenting, and more. His work has appeared in numerous publications, and he is a 6x Top Writer on Medium. Follow him on News Break, Medium, and Twitter for updates and latest work.

Raleigh, NC
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