My Bank Account is Low But There is Rich Food in the Fridge

Jill Eng
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I am a writer trying to make a living being a writer. So far I am alive but financially broke.

I love my life so I am hesitant to give up quite yet. I like the routine of waking up and writing all day, no matter what form that comes in. I adore making my own hours and not answering to anyone but myself.

I am spoiled and have been taken care of in many ways leading up to this point which leaves me dried out financially but filled up emotionally.

Somehow, each month I am still standing and eating what I want.

I emphasize food because that is mostly what I spend money on.

I am picky about healthy items that keep me energized and naturally sustained.

Sundays are a big food-shopping day because that is when the farm I like to get produce from shows up at one of the nearby farmer’s markets.

These guys have everything I want. The market is also across the street from two stores I like to go to so I rise early on Sunday and head on over to all three sites.

I buy all my food at once and it takes me a while to unload upon returning home.

But I feel accomplished and cared for knowing these products will fulfill me for the next week or two. Some items will last almost a month.

Today, after eating breakfast and settling into my daily routine I opened up the credit union app on my phone to see what I had. In my mind, I had exactly what was in there yesterday.

“Hmmm. Why is there so much money missing?”

I gasped to myself.

I start to look at the itemization and realize that after today’s spree, I had depleted my account quite a bit.

I mean what did I think?

It’s as if I spaced out on the fact that each time I put that debit card into the store’s slot and punched the various buttons nothing was withdrawn from my account.

I’m not that dumb but somehow today I spaced out.

I wouldn’t have done anything differently, and once I studied the breakdown I understood — I also bought gas — but it took me aback as I wondered how I am going to replenish those funds.

I don’t know yet.

I have been living close to the edge recently and somehow I have been kept afloat by various modes of support.

I sold some things, I worked a bit, and someone gifted me assistance.

I now have a family member who is willing to help if I’m desperate but I would prefer things don’t get to that point.

There is the usual focus on money in my mind as we all tend to have. Meanwhile, there are provisions of life support occurring in all moments if I look carefully.

The fridge is full right now and that will last for a while. There is still a bit of money in the bank and some cash in my room.

I have a small sum coming in from writing profits in a week.

So I can look to the reality of this moment to see that I am okay right now. I cannot know what comes next.

I have people who care about me enough to not let me go under. I will just have to put myself out there and ask.

I will keep writing, and bringing in whatever that month avails.

And there are things I do not know about around the corner that potentially will fill my fridge, gas tank, and whatever other needs present.

It may be hard on my mind to not know the future and have the bank read low, but in truth, I currently have enough.

I have known wealthy folks who thought they were set and then something crashed — like the stock market or their health — that removed what they believed to secure them for their lives.

Instead of thinking about money, I think about momentary provisions.

Those are only necessary for the time one is checking in with themself.

The cash register in my head may reflect fear of what numbers it saw on that credit union app but I have a roof over my head, sturdy furniture under my butt, a car that still drives with gas in it, food in the refrigerator, and a full tummy right now.

My plants just got watered so they are happy, I am borrowing my child´s computer to type this story (since mine recently died), I have a solid working Android phone which I spend way too much time on, and the birds are chirping outside my window.

I have amazing people in my life who love me, the air is finally drier in my bedroom since I brought the dehumidifier up from the basement, my water filter is filled for my next hydration, and I still have vitamin supplements in their bottles not yet due for refilling (that shit is expensive!).

One moment at a time is the best approach for me with money because it isn’t always about how much I am bringing in but rather the necessities life provides for in all sorts of ways.

Instead of worrying and fretting, I prefer to open my eyes to my physical surroundings to see what is available to me in the spaces I am occupying.

And there is always tomorrow, assuming I am alive.

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I am a mindfulness author and teacher. I blog on healing from emotional trauma, guilt, anxiety, divorce, relationships, women, writing, parenting, and gratitude.

Portland, ME

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