History Can and Will Repeat Itself in Relationships

Jennifer March, MS

The heartbreak that led me to find true happiness.

There is a moment in every person’s life when they are faced with a situation they hoped would never happen.

The hardest thing I have ever dealt with (romantically) was from a boy I met in college. The two of us were pretty similar, yet very different; I liked that mixture.

I had noticed him first staring at me and watching me before class. He never came to talk to me, nor did he ever initiate a conversation. But for some reason, he would always be nearby or in watching distance of me.

Of course, I could be exaggerating this, but this is how I saw it from my perspective.

I spent hours of my time trying to work up the courage to talk to him. He always had sunglasses on, so I could never see what he was looking at exactly. At the time, I thought it made him aloof. Now I look back and think, “there were some issues there.”

He was a loner, he was mysterious, and he had me interested.

I knew something wasn’t right

I waited for him after class like I had been doing. Things felt weird for me that day; something was wrong. At this time, I was giving him a ride home every day to spend more time together.

I would stay late on campus to wait for him; it made me feel so happy; I loved spending time with him.

The end time for his class was drawing near, and I waited outside his class. Usually, he is the first person out, but this time he was the last. When he finally made it out, of course, he looked at me and walked away.

My heart shattered, watching him walk away from me. What happened?

I tried to calm myself by saying that he just needed to use the restroom, but why wouldn’t he have just said that?

So I waited outside the bathroom for him, and he came out and walked up to me. He sighed and said, “We need to talk.”

The next couple of hours were a blur; he broke up with me because ‘we didn’t have a connection anymore’ and ‘we have nothing in common.’

I was so furious about this. How am I supposed to know who you are and find out what we had in standard if he doesn’t talk to me? And it wasn’t that he didn’t like me; he didn’t speak to anybody.

He was a loner, and I saw that before we began dating.

That was a big red flag for me when I look back.

He had me wrapped around his finger

After the break up we didn’t talk for a bit, and then we started talking again. We became friends, and everything seemed okay.

Some other personal matters happened between us that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, but I will give the gist: there were some emotions from both him and me that we were not expressing.

I wanted to tell him how I felt, that I liked him and wanted to be with him.

But I did not feel safe or comfortable sharing anything with him. It had burned me once in the past, and I didn’t want to repeat history.

I couldn’t stop from reaching out to him and spending as much time with him as I could. Now to give some perspective on this, we saw each other once or twice a month at most — I treated that time like gold.

I’m not going to spend time explaining the details of everything else that transpired. It’s done and over, and it is in the past.

The only time he reached out to me was when he was drunk. I thought that was sweet and romantic at the time.

But instead, I got stuck in this cycle of convincing myself that everything was okay. I thought that I was meant to be with him because nobody else would ever want me.

All I ever wanted was to be in a relationship and get messages and calls from them throughout the day. I love to talk with the people I care about; I love to know that I am being thought of.

During this time, I felt lost and hopeless, as if my life was doomed to be consumed by him. He never talked to me; he never reached out.

But he always told me he cared so much about me, and he wanted me in his life. He wasn’t mature enough for a relationship, and that is perfectly fine.

I don’t need him.

I sat with two decisions, either leave him now and start over or continue on this path.

Change is scary, so you can guess which option I chose. I, unfortunately, did not choose the ladder. I stayed, and I held on, and every day felt like torture.

It wasn’t until I had asked him to give me a ride to the airport. I was going out of state to seeing my little sister graduate high school.

He said he would agree to do that, but he would not be able to pick me up, which was fine! As long as I got to see him. This wasn’t a far out request, he always said I could come to him.

The ride to the airport was quiet, and my nerves were rising. Something didn’t feel right; something was wrong.

When he dropped me off, he told me to text him when I got back so we could find a time to hang out. This made me feel so happy! He wanted to hang out with me!

History always repeats itself

I texted him when I landed, but I never got a response back. Sending him any message was tough; I was always worried I would never get a response back. His lack of replies was a consistent thing that I always knew about; I just hoped he would show my feelings.

I made it to Colorado, and watched my sister graduate high school; it was such a fantastic day. I felt so happy because I would see him when I got back, just like the last time I visited.

Everything was going so well, until later the next day when I sent him a message on Facebook; again, my heart was racing — something was wrong.

And I saw the dreaded words, “You are not allowed to send messages to this person at this time.”

My heart dropped to the floor, and I was freaking out inside. I tried to stay calm and tell myself that everything was okay, and it wasn’t what it seemed.

But it was, sadly. He had blocked me, and he had no intention of ever speaking to me again.

He did fail to remember that he had pushed me to apply to work at the same store as him. He knew I was looking for a new job after college, just something to bring in some cash.

This happened less than two weeks before he blocked me.

When I returned home, I was scheduled the very next day to do my first shift. And conveniently, he was there, working his shift.

He pushed me to get the job.

He knew I got the job.

He knew I would be working near him.

He knew I would still be near him.

He wanted to see me when I got back, yet he chose to block me.

I was furious when I got back. Why would he string me along like this? Why would he treat me this way? I thought he cared about me.

He lied to me.

He betrayed me.

He hurt me.

I had enough.

I wasn’t going to treat this little boy with kid gloves anymore. I am an adult, and I expect an adult relationship. If you can’t give that to me, then okay, but you will know how I feel. When you mess with someone’s emotions like this, you don’t deserve

So I did what any rational and sane person would do, I confronted him. I needed to know why he was doing it, even though I already knew, and I needed him to know how I felt.

When my shift ended, I saw him in the walkway, stacking cans on a shelf. I took this as my opportunity to stick it to him. Before I clocked out, I walked right up to him when he was alone, and I confronted him on everything.

A few seconds of back and forth later, I realized he was mad at me for something; I will never truly know why he was angry with me.

He stated that I had complained too much about him. But I found that hard to believe because we barely talked, and when we did talk, I thought everything was okay.

From his perspective, I can see how he would feel this way. I was asking him to do something that he wasn’t able to. I couldn’t force him to be something he wasn’t. But I also need to know how he feels, but again, I can’t force him to share this with me.

I had enough and asked if we could still talk about this and work it out. He stated that he would reach out to me to lock down a time.

I was beating a dead horse — I just hadn’t come to terms with it yet.

The next day came, and I never saw a message from him. I didn’t want to be disappointed by him again, so I sent him a message, breaking everything off.

I poured out my heart in under 200 words. I shared all the love I had for him and the future I hoped we would have together. I told him how I felt, how betrayed I was, and I never wanted to see him again. He was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

When I wrote that message, I could see the various happy times we had — they were all far and few in between. Most of the happy times I had with him were during the first two weeks of our relationship. And months later a trying a friendship again only showed me more pain.

I saw him the next day at work. I accidentally bumped into him on the way to the restroom. I had no intention of seeing him again. He didn’t notice it was me at first, but when he did, his face turned sour, and he looked furious that I was even there.

We had more and more and many more encounters like this. In the beginning, it hurt my feelings each time. How could I be someone he cared about so much, yet he treated me the worst?

The image I saw of him was washed away slowly; my care desire for him fading. For over a month and a half, our paths crossed, and I ignored him. I was going to stand by my word. I was not going to allow him to think that what he did was okay to me.

I need to move on.

This continued until he began to wear sunglasses again — but now at work. He was trying to avoid me, and it actually made me feel better. My presence was enough to upset him; I still didn’t know what I had indeed to done to hurt him this much.

Our relationship was too much for him to handle; he wasn’t ready for the kind of commitment a relationship brings.

Happiness is right around the corner

So I fell into my plan b, and I started to make changes to better my life. I got out of that job and worked at a local hospital. I met so many new people and experienced so many different things.

It was the change I needed, and I gladly accepted.

I learned that there is so much more to life than what one single person thinks of me. I don’t need to change myself to keep someone in my life; I would rather be alone then feel alone in a relationship.

I spent my time really focusing on myself and understanding who I was. What did I like? What do I want to accomplish? Where can I go from here?

The future finally looked bright and hopeful for me.

I joined a dating app and began talking casually dating. I had strict rules — I knew what I wanted. Anyone that fell short of what I wanted wasn’t good enough for me.

I would not be treated the same way by another person.

The day after Christmas in 2018, I matched with someone on OkCupid; since that day, we haven’t stopped talking.

We couldn’t get enough of each other!

After nearly three years, two apartments, two cats, and an “I do” later, I am with my true soul mate.

My husband has given me everything I ever desired from my previous relationship. The simple request of texting isn’t met with anger and a bruised self-esteem but with more messages.

We love to make each other happy, and we always strive to understand each other.

The turn of events in my life caused me to find a path I thought was only real in my dreams.

I met someone who fits so well with me. And if I had not gone through this heartbreak, I wouldn’t be with my husband.

Now I could go on, explaining why I love my husband, but I don’t like to put too much out there. My relationship is special and sacred, I want to respect my partner’s privacy as well as our privacy as a couple.

As painful as this all is, the lesson of impermanence and change is not something to work against. Of course, this cannot be learned by watching; you have to experience it.

If you are going through heartbreak and you want to hold on to your ex — let them go. It only took me seven months. 7 whole since the day I thought my life was over when the boy I wanted to be with cut me out of his life.

If it were not for my ex-boyfriend, I would not be where I am.

Time feels slow, but the days come and go faster than we can comprehend.

I have found that my happiness is important, and I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to have all my needs met. I am grateful to be where I am and to be with someone who loves me in all the ways I’ve dreamed of.

Your happy ending could be right around the corner; don’t give up.

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As Originally Posted on Medium

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Psych nerd turned freelance writer | MS in Psychology | Mom of two cats and some house plants | #MentalHealthAdvocate #BeKind

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