Why Her and Not You...?

Jennifer Brown Banks


Why her and not you?

It’s a confounding question. A question millions of women have contemplated at the hands of a cheating lover, or one that disappears from a “good relationship” with skills that would impress even Houdini. (They are here today and gone tomorrow!)

It’s a question that compromises our sleep and our sanity when we are mired in the thick of things.

(Remember the case years ago with Lonnie Anderson and Burt Reynolds?) Burt’s bye-bye rivaled something out of Terry McMillan’s “Disappearing Acts.”

Here’s a very common scenario. On the heels of being dumped, most of us women rack our brains, forfeit our peace, and question our value as we try to figure out what the hell we did wrong or where we were deficient.

Typical questions plague us and punish us. Questions like:

Does she look better than I do? Did I gain too much weight over the winter? Not love him enough? Try too hard? Not try hard enough? Could I have measured up more? Was what we had real? The questions are as extensive as the experiences.

We scrutinize our appearance, our romantic “repertoire” and even our last conversation with the man who stole our hearts and claimed our essence. We beat ourselves up with “could haves” and 'should haves”.

We seek comfort from family members and friends, and answers from God. We find refuge in bittersweet memories. It's the stuff that soap operas and song lyrics are made of.

But as a woman who has “been there and done that,” I've picked up some valuable wisdom along the way. STOP. THE. MADNESS.

Here's the deal: it's not you, it's him.

I repeat: it’s not you, it’s him.

You could have been Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry and it wouldn't have mattered.
So stop claiming blame.

A man with commitment or maturity issues usually doesn't stay rooted in mature, lasting relationships. They sometimes are afraid of being vulnerable or losing their freedom. Not to mention, guys don't always make decisions based upon rationale and logic like we often do.


According to Streetdirectory.com: “There are many different reasons why men leave relationships or refuse to settle down with the woman they are with. It's important for women to take a good look at these reasons. To their surprise and delight, they will discover that most of the reasons why men leave have nothing to do with them. Some men cling to the ghost of past relationships, idealizing an old love and deciding they'll never find a person like that again. It feels safer to hold onto the past than risk failure with someone who is available today. These men prefer to dwell in a memory than to face the reality of present day life.

For some, this memory goes back to their mothers. No woman can live up to mom, or to any other woman they idealize. They begin to imagine that these other women were perfect and gave them unconditional love. Whatever their present girlfriend does is compared with that. No woman can win over an idealized memory. These men are living in dreams.

Other men leave seeking excitement and challenge. Being with someone who loves them becomes boring and flat.”

Additionally, many men (though not all) are not as sensitive and empathetic about the feelings of others. Which is something we could learn from them. Let’s face it: when they‘ve “lost that lovin‘ feelin‘”, guys are simply gone. With very little guilt or remorse.

Here's a case in point. I was tuned into a popular TV show a while back, when a guy was busted for stepping out on his live-in girlfriend of one year. This chick looked like Jennifer Lopez. I kid you not! When the camera crew caught up with his cheating accomplice, my jaw dropped. This chick severely paled in comparison to his girlfriend. It was like comparing hamburger to steak.

It's a classic case of men “trading down” or choosing “the path of least resistance.”

Go figure.

I'm sure you've experienced it before, or know someone who has.

Here‘s something we've all witnessed a time or two: a guy leaves a woman who's a successful college professor to date the neighborhood babysitter. Or he cheats on a woman who looks like a cheerleader for one who looks like a linebacker!

Here's what I've discovered...

These are some of the most common reasons the other woman was the “winner by default.”

Convenience factor

She let's him live with her without financial responsibility or marital ties.

Lower standards

She requires less of him. He dictates the terms. She dances to his tune.


The desire to “conquer” new territory has him on a new adventure. Or he suffers from “The Grass is Always Greener on the Other side” syndrome.


She has a better job or bigger car. Her value is in her valuables.


She's his baby's mama, and in the words of a popular song, he figures “it's cheaper to keep her.”


He's commitment phobic, and you're getting too close emotionally.

Fatal attraction

He's gotten in too deep and another chick has threatened to harm him (or herself) if he dumps her. Remember the movie “Fatal Attraction”?

He suffers from idiot-itis

Dumb decisions are just a part of his M.O.

He's misogynistic

Women are essentially of no real Importance to him. You were merely one of a string of victims in his dating history.

He's less threatened by her success

She's less intimidating, and makes him feel like more of a man as a result.

Now, here's what you need to discover on your way to bigger and better things.

  • “No person can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
  • With an open heart and open mind, you'll one day find the love you so richly desire and deserve. Hold out to be cherished.
  • The best revenge is a good life. Don’t be bitter, be better.

More often than not, you're gonna be better off without him.

So the next time you indulge in a pity party over the guy that "ghosted" you, remember the words written in the popular book, He’s Just Not Into You:

“Don’t waste the pretty.”

Image credit: Pixabay.com

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Veteran freelance writer, award-winning blogger, thought leader, herbal tea enthusiast. My mission is to entertain, engage and inform readers with articles that are interesting, enriching and diverse.

Chicago, IL

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