Los Angeles, CA

How to spot an Angeleno a mile away

Jano le Roux

Uhm, let's start with the basics: Every other word we say is "like," and we don't realize it until someone who isn't from Los Angeles brings it out to us.

Our pride in our city is strong, but it pales in comparison to a more specific devotion. When a Los Angeles-based team wins a title, the whole city erupts in a riot. If you sit down in a bar next to a man who was born and raised in Los Angeles and ask him where he’s from, he won’t respond he’s from Los Angeles. That’s a Santa Monica native. Or Culver City, West Hollywood, or any of the other cities that make up the megalopolis of Los Angeles.

It’s not that we dislike each other, though there is some snobbery here and there. It’s simply that Los Angeles is so varied as a metropolis that each neighborhood has become its own niche, protecting residents from the horrors of having to adjust to strangers. It’s like Ancient Greece’s nation-states, except with better hot dogs and worse driving. Although America is a melting pot, LA is a box of chocolates, and the caramel despises being referred to as the coconut.

There's no way this could be comfortable, but only an Angeleno would understand.Reddit / AhsokaLivesMatter

When Saturday Night Live performed “The Californians,” everyone laughed, but many in Los Angeles sat puzzled for a minute, running the stated instructions through their minds to see whether they made sense.

It’s like an unseen illness has wormed its way into our heads, requiring us to always know the quickest route from point A to point B at all times, since you never know when Olympic will back up for a few miles while you’re trying to go home.

It’s much worse in the vehicle when it’s almost difficult to talk about anything else. Consider this scenario: one passenger consults Waze, while two others argue with the driver about whether driving all the way to the 405 would save time. That’s simply on the way to the supermarket.

Oh, just think about it! Service to and from LAX and Venice Beach that is both affordable and dependable! People have drawn hundreds of hypothetical maps of what it could look like, with so many lines and stops that building would take till the sun bursts. They’re the sort of sketches that adolescent girls do in their notebooks, but instead of a future wedding gown, she’s sketching a method to go home from the bars that doesn’t involve an irate taxi driver.

When you watch movies, you can tell where each scene was shot and if you can’t there will always be some Angeleno that will tell you (even if you didn’t want to know).

Nowadays, measures are being taken. New legislation is being enacted, and new barriers are being erected. However, it seems that Adam Smith and John Maynard Keynes took a crap on the Los Angeles economy. A 70-year backlog of potholes has to be filled. Right now, that subway to the sea may seem like a fairy tale, something that individuals born in the next ten years may one day experience. But there’s nothing wrong with hoping.

Angelenos don’t care about Hollywood, it’s lame.

The Hollywood sign is a worldwide symbol. The Chinese Theatre and the Walk of Fame are also worth seeing. With such a rich culture entrenched in the traditions of cinema and glamor, Hollywood has to be the place to be if you want to see the hottest celebs and get a taste of the movie star treatment. Right?

Here’s the problem with that logic: why would anybody, even celebrities, go somewhere where everyone is attempting to watch their every move? Actually, there are two kinds of individuals in Hollywood: Transplants and tourists who didn’t think things through, as well as homeless individuals costumed as Ironman who were ready to stab the tourists for not paying for a photo.

Hollywood, particularly Hollywood Boulevard and Sunset Boulevard, is a rat’s nest. The Academy Awards, for all their glitz and glitter, are nothing more than an annual marketing machine. At the very least, residents of Los Angeles are aware of this.

Angelenos also most likely went to school with someone who is now famous.

The rivalry between Los Angeles and San Francisco is a little one-sided. San Francisco despises Los Angeles. They despise our superior weather, our “vapid culture,” and, most importantly, the Dodgers. Los Angeles, on the other hand, is unconcerned with San Francisco. The rain and fog provide a welcome contrast to the 364 days of sunlight we get each year. The Giants may win a few games, but the Dodger Dogs are a fantastic consolation gift. Nobody from Los Angeles is going to speak trash about San Francisco in any meaningful way.

In LA it’s all about becoming national champs. Car chases are so popular in Los Angeles that we have specialized apps that alert us when they’re on TV. That’s when we break open a cold one and cheer on our blue-and-gold as they race through the streets in the ultimate contact sport.

The announcers are the news anchors. The touchdown plays are when the perp nearly gets away. It’s a home game when the pursuit reaches within a few blocks of your house, and you’d best be craning your neck to get a sight of the action.

In fact, OJ Simpson is our all-time football and pursuit MVP.

Sure, it's morbid and many folks aren’t fond of it. But people in LA have become hardened to traffic, which includes vehicles moving at 40 miles per hour on the wrong side of the road. You have to inject a little levity into the equation in a city where automobiles rule.

That is the true definition of an Angeleno.

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Los Angeles, CA

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