No Offence Intended But Shut Up

James Garside
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A message for the trolls, special snowflakes, and easily offended

For the record if I ever offend you:

1) Feel free to tell me

2) I was probably being sarcastic

3) I don’t really care

Please forgive my grumpy and sarcastic demeanour; I’m a Yorkshireman and subsist on a steady diet of tea and disappointment.

I’m terminally grumpy and sarcastic, but I do mean well.

Unless I’ve not had a cup of tea — then you’re on your own.

Don’t worry, I’ve had tea so I’m no longer a threat to the public.

My heart’s in the right place — in a jar on my desk.

I prefer to write when I’m angry, grumpy, sarcastic — or any of the other northern dwarves — but that’s pretty much all the time.

If only it was possible to earn a living being grumpy and sarcastic on the internet… Sorry, wrong meeting.

There are few things I do well in life but being grumpy and sarcastic is one of them.

Sarcasm is one of my core competencies — but you can’t put that on your CV. Apparently.

Answers to #FAQ:

Yes, I’m sarcastic. Yes, I’m grumpy. Yes, I think it’s funny. Yes, I’m secretly fluffy.

No, I’m much nicer in real-life.

My friends admonish me for not writing, skipping breakfast and being sarcastic — I think this is adorable.

For breakfast I had a bowl of ‘nobody cares, please stop telling people what you’re eating.’

Yes I’m being sarcastic. No you can’t have any.

When I can’t think of anything witty or sarcastic to say, I know it’s time for bed.

When I’m literally too tired to be sarcastic.

People often can’t tell when I’m joking, or think I’m being mean when I’m just being sarcastic. James is a sad Panda.

When I’m being sarcastic, people take me literally. When I’m being serious, people think I’m being sarcastic. Ironic? Let’s not go there.

I’m off to bed — right after I’ve done some writing, had several cups of tea and said something sarcastic on Twitter.

I sometimes worry that people mistake me for an internet troll — I’m grumpy, sarcastic, shabby-looking and may as well live under a bridge. But I’m not a troll.

I’ll shut up now.

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NCTJ-qualified British independent journalist, author and travel writer.

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