Tough Love Astrology — 10 May 2021

James Garside

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Here's the latest horoscope for your sign.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: The first step is always make a cup of tea — which isn't that hard, now really, is it? A cup of tea solves everything. For all your success you feel like a complete failure. Toughen up, cupcake. You're feeling rather delicate today. Chin up, buttercup. Whatever happens I suspect the solution is to drink more tea. Drink tea. Be kind. Except to your enemies. Destroy your enemies. Then drink some more tea.

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Pisces: A Japanese proverb reads: “The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone.” This brings a Jackie Kennedy quote to mind: “The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.” Basically what you need to do this week is play 'Kiss, Marry, Kill' with your three faces. Metaphorically speaking.

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Aries: The Law of Attraction is bunk. The universe isn't a catalogue. You can't just order what you want. The universe is more like Cthulhu. It's huge, unfathomable, and trying to kill you for its own amusement. It's good to have some irony in your diet. You can't afford to buy unnecessary stuff. Now more than ever. Cut your expenses to the bone — and if that doesn't work then amputate. Less is more. More or less.

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Taurus: You worry me sometimes. It's time to reach out to other people but be sure to be kind and say what you mean. Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. People will still understand you and take offence as though you'd spoken your mind in the simplest of terms. Even if you do communicate about as clearly as a rogue AI that has become self-aware and plans to take over the world.

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Gemini: Beware the tyranny of nice people. Kind words don’t pay the rent. Jesus never read The Bible. The meek will inherit nothing much really unless they get their act together. You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. As sure as eggs is eggs. No yolk. You can't turn lead into gold but you can turn muck into money. Or, as they say in Yorkshire, "Where there's muck there's brass."

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Cancer: Your ability to procrastinate knows no bounds. What do you keep putting off until tomorrow that you should really do today? You're in a bad place right now. Wisconsin? Are you in Wisconsin? Don't worry. You're made of awesome. No power in the verse can stop you. You can change your luck through love. You gotta fight for your right to party.

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Leo: Let's play music together on YouTube! Let's lip sync to songs! Let's all pretend to hold hands across the internet! Or you could sit with your thoughts for a bit. Maybe have a nice cup of tea. Maybe write something. I don't care what you do so long as you do it by yourself. Act like a jerk and the world will embrace you as an equal. Great minds think alike — as do average ones. Only the good die young — prepare for the long haul.

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Virgo: Stay indoors, avoid social contact and non-essential travel? Admit it, you feel like you've been preparing for this your whole life. It doesn't come easy to everyone. It's ok to take care of yourself first and foremost. Turn off your phone. You can't fix stupid. Put your attention someplace more productive. What's the alternative? Stalk them on social media? Gate-crash their parties? Guerrilla Warfare? Sorry, I'm not helping.

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Libra: Why are you attracted to the wrong people? That's what you have to decide this week. Ruh-roh. Just kidding but be careful who you date. You say you don't like shallow people who judge by appearances. Unless, you know, they're like really hot and stuff. You'll be fine. But judge people by the content of their hearts instead of how they look.

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Scorpio: How are you today? Translation: "Just say 'I'm fine thanks. How are you?' What's wrong with you? Don't you understand the rules? We don't want to hear your life story. We're just being polite. We get that you think your life is interesting. We just don't get why you think that your life is of interest to us." Ok, I'm paraphrasing, but the point still stands. Nobody gives a monkeys about your problems. So stop telling everyone about them.

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Sagittarius: You like to think of yourself as a minimalist. Let's put that theory to the test. Can you count the number of possessions you own on one hand? You have too many hands! Do you fly with one bag? You don't need a bag. You don't even need a purse or a wallet. Just stuff your credit card and keys somewhere creative and leave your smartphone at home. Yes. That ought to do it. Only rich idiots are minimalists. The rest of us are just poor.

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Capricorn: Someone will say that you were rude to them. I'm not a betting person but I'd lay money that you weren't rude at all. You're a good person, well-intentioned, and mindful of others. Some people just ain't all that. Someone else will say that you complain too much. They're probably right but you weren't put on this planet to be an emotional punchbag for strangers. You've got your own stuff to deal with. But you are a complainy pants.

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