Horoscopes for horrible people
Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius: Dear Men: Making a Ghostbusters reference is pointless when people haven’t seen the original. Yes that’s possible. If in doubt WEAR PANTS. I’m just saying. Dear Men in your 40s: You should NEVER use Lynx — what is wrong with you?! Apart from smelling like a teenager of course. Dear Men: Please stop explaining everything. What I mean by this is… As Bill Bailey said: “I lose commitment in a joke, I’ll give you an example. Three men go into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene plays out with a tedious inevitability.”
Pisces: How are you really? That’s the first non-sarcastic thing I’ve said all day and I’m about to go to sleep. Have I ever told you that I think you are wonderful? Because, you know, I should. For whatever it’s worth I’m glad you’re still here. The famous last words of Alex, a parrot used in psychology research, as his handler put him back in his cage were: “You be good. See you tomorrow. I love you.” They found him dead in the morning. The parrot I mean, of course, not his handler. Goodnight, everybody. So, you know, you be good. See you tomorrow. I love you.
Aries: Hello, my name is James and I am grumpy. My pet hates include people, people persons, and pickled peppers. If I email you once don’t wait for me to contact you again — we’ll both be long-dead before that happens — if you want to keep in touch then email me. What do you mean I’m a contrarian? No, I’m not. Do you remember talking? Those were the days. Do you remember phone calls? Those were the days. Do you remember email? Those were the days. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. There’s a metaphor for your life in here somewhere. Figure it out yourself.
Taurus: If you don’t know what to write, think about what you love and hate in fiction. Start with either of those. Today I put up a gazebo, built a fire-pit and made a large fire. *drinks whisky, beats chest and wrestles a grizzly* What do you mean what does this have to do with you? I can’t. I don’t. Go do your homework! You look amused and bemused at the same time. Your face is one of your better puns. I’m not here to tell you how to live. Being internet famous is a lot like getting a round of high-fives at the mental ward. Not necessarily an endorsement.
Gemini: I got insulted and blocked for not having read Harry Potter but I’m the passive aggressive douchebag who needs therapy. Let me rush out and buy all of the Harry Potter books — what I read was crap but your insult convinced me I’m wrong. There are so many great books to read. Why is it unthinkable to obsessive fans that an adult isn’t interested in reading Harry Potter? I even received death threats for not wanting to read Harry Potter so at this point I also refuse to do so on general principle. Harry Potter is children’s literature. That doesn’t mean you can’t read it. Is it just for kids? I report, you decide.
Cancer: What do you get if you cross a surrealist with a boxer? Muhammad Dali. Thank you, I’m here all week. I’m officially going to hell. Please excuse me whilst I pack. Is it possible for a person to function entirely on symbolic logic and magical thinking? Challenge accepted. No-one has to read your novel. Not even you. Take chances. Be random. It’s ok to be crazy, absurd and fun — but to hell with literature. Why is it always crazy people who want to sit next to you and tell you their life story? Must be your sunny disposition. You’re also made of awesome. So there’s that.
Leo: Dream: James? Me: Yeah? Dream: You’re wound up. Me: Yeah. Dream: CHILL OUT. Me: Huh?! *wakes up* Upon waking from my dream I heard the following so I wrote it down. We do an awful lot of things that will never get us anywhere. We have to do the things that will produce the results we want. You’re absolutely right. You have to be more positive. Please hear me out on this, I’m not trying to lecture you, I just want to better explain what you’re doing wrong. What did you do to make ‘those people’ crazy by being too anally retentive? The clue is in the question.
Virgo: If life slaps you in the face say, “Thanks life, that’s just what I always wanted.” But say it a bit sarcastically so life gets the message. Bake yourself a cake. Sacrifice a gingerbread man so the baking gods will smile upon you. Do you ever suspect that there’s a secret cabal of Dads who know everything, fight crime and stuff? I ask for a friend. People keep asking me if I’m crazy, depressed or suicidal because of what I write. Calm down — I’m just a northerner. “If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.”
Libra: I referred to Medium as Tedium when I wrote about them. Now others are doing it. It’s not quite plagiarism, which is rampant there, but I still feel like they should get their own ideas. I guess I should be flattered? Great minds think alike. As do average ones. You realise that lots of your work has been plagiarised in some way by several different people. Do you shout at them? Do you get legal on them? Or do you write new stuff safe in the knowledge that unlike these idiots you’re capable of original ideas and independent thought? I’m asking for a friend.
Scorpio: A Christian told me to cheer up and stop talking about issues like suicide. Telling depressed people to cheer up is like telling crippled people to dance. I told them they were being offensive and know nothing about my life. Their response was to ‘like’ my response. No apology. Just to like that I’m annoyed by what they said. So I blocked them. The moral of this story? Try to behave like a decent human being. Any other Jesus freak who wants to save my soul because I think unhappy thoughts and that bothers you in some way? Save yourself the trouble. My mum is Christian. She already knows that I’m going to Hell. She’s just glad that I’ve made friends and found somewhere that accepts me.
Sagittarius: What’s your writing style? Mine seems to be sermons on the mount but with bad jokes, swearing, and carbon dated cultural references. What’s your to do list look like? My list according to a friend: Drink tea. Procrastinate. Be antisocial. Be sarcastic on Twitter. Write. Swear. Drink more tea. Anyone who thinks you shouldn’t swear so much should take a look around them at the world in which we live and shut their mouth. As for tea? Do you even need to ask?
Capricorn: How to succeed in life: Have no talent, do nothing remarkable, but look the part, or be born into a rich family, with an inflated sense of entitlement and delusions of grandeur that border on psychotic. It helps if you have money and lack morals or any sense of decency. Apparently. I’m secretly planning world domination. You? I love it when a plan comes together. Not that kind of plan, evil genius! Of course not, Comrade. No. Not at all. Never. And you’d be a liar and a communist for suggesting otherwise! Do not press the red button. This is what I’m saying.