Horoscopes for horrible people
Happy New Year.
Here is your outlook for the year ahead.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius: HAPPY NEW YEAR! I know it’s a bit sudden but I suffer from premature congratulations. Now is a good time to get your notifications under control but be careful how you ask. What I meant to say was: “Please stop liking my Facebook posts in lieu of actual comments.” What I actually said was: “STOP FINGERING ME ON FACEBOOK!” Me: “Yes but I still don’t like being fingered.” Friend: “For me, it depends on who’s doing the fingering.” Context is everything. The main thing is that this year you value real connections over digital ones. That’s what I’m saying.
Pisces: New year, new rules. Forget new year’s resolutions. Celebrate your achievements last year, imagine the fun you’ll have this year, and throw out everything else. The expression ‘Moved to Florida’ means you died. This year embrace ‘Moving to Florida’ as a made-up expression that means get your act together before it’s too late. Think of all the wise things Floridians could say: “I went to the beach today. Or maybe yesterday, I can’t be sure.” “Something something Gators, something something Dolphins.” “I’m not a redneck, I just have sunburn.” “In the supermarket there were lots of wrinkled up prunes. Or old people as we call them.” Get packing.
Aries: Open a gym called Resolutions. It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and then turn into a bar. Dad jokes are the best jokes. This year you need to cast aside all romantic notions about your projects and goals and get to work with the determination of a bank robber. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’ve got a gun. Get in the van. Nobody is going to do your work yor you. Be kind but get your work done no matter the cost. William Gibson said: “You must learn to overcome your very natural and appropriate revulsion for your own work.” Make it so.
Taurus: What’s your New Years Resolution? Mine’s to stop being sarcastic. Because that’s what the world needs; less sarcasm. Maybe next year. This year you have the power to make other people’s dreams come true through the power of words. Yours didn’t yet? Too bad. Write down everything you do that doesn’t help your writing. Burn the list and then go write something great. I dreamt that with my girlfriend I had to shepherd Tibetan kids carrying little silver bells. But I don’t have kids, a girlfriend, or bells. It’s been one of those days. Did I miss a meeting?
Gemini: I received a spam email that said: “May this New Year all your dreams turn into reality and all your efforts into great achievements.” I knew that with such a positive message it had to be a virus. My computer once suspected that a book on grammar was a virus and refused to have anything to do with it. I was so proud. Anyway, this is exactly the message that I want you to take to heart this year. It’s also the year for you to fight for human rights for everyone. The clue is in the word “human.” If some humans don’t have them then they’re not “human rights.”
Cancer: I hereby declare that this year for you is ‘The Year of Writing Dangerously.’ Write at least 250 words every day this year. Whatever happens, keep going. Don’t read what you wrote until next year. What is your favourite cartoon character? Snoopy? Garfield? I agree with you even if you’re wrong. I’m too sleepy to argue. I’m just teasing! Let them be your guide this year. Look to them for wisdom until one day you reach that awkward moment when you watch so much Cartoon Network that you recognise the same voice-actors playing different characters in each show.
Leo: How are you monkey? According to Darwin we’re all monkeys. Technically he says we’re all apes but shut up. I mean it as a compliment. As far as I’m concerned we’re all space monkeys riding a rock around the sun. Here’s to all good things that happen this year. And all the bad things you can use to your advantage. Organ Grinder, meet Monkey. I like to picture a monkey sat at a typewriter when I write. He’s my monkey so I choose to believe he’s typing with one hand and throwing poop at people with the other. What about you, monkey? What are your plans for the year ahead? If in doubt throw poop at people.
Virgo: May the new year bring you rock and roll and zombies. I mean that in a good way. We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll. Zombies are another matter. I rewatched a cult 1980s horror film called Lifeforce that I saw as a teen about a sexy female space vampire who turns people into zombies by sucking the life out of them. I can’t imagine why I turned out the way that I did. Remind me not to team up with you in this year’s zombie apocalypse. You’ll probably feed me to the zombies so you can get away. What I’m saying is you’re a survivor and you rock.
Libra: Whatever has visited you for Christmas is anticipated to have outstayed its welcome come the new year. I’m talking metaphorically and exisentially here, not your in-laws, unless you want someone to stage an intervention. Please help! Here’s a sneak at the unfinished secret first draft of your plans for world domination. Your suggestions and feedback? What do you think needs changing? Write out your revised draft of all your projects and goals. Congratulations. You just made your to do list for the year. Porn SHELVES?! *blush* I’ve lived a sheltered life.
Scorpio: Hello Angry Bitter and Sarcastic; I’m Cold Rude and Judgmental. Nice to meet you! Don’t pretend to be someone that you’re not; pretend to be you at your best. I mean when at work or doing public speaking and such. Not when you want to take on someone else’s identity and kill people. I got the idea from advice someone gave about public speaking. When you don’t feel at your best or are in a situation that makes you nervous pretending to be a better version of yourself might help. What are your goals? Only one of those goals sounds implausible. Happy New Year!
Sagittarius: What’s your New Year’s resolution? Mine is to not make any resolutions. Hold for laugh. Your year can be summed up by the following limerick: “There once was an X from place B, Who satisfied predicate P, Then X did thing A, In a specified way, Resulting in circumstance C.” Best of luck with all of that. It’s time to let go of your Napoleon Complex. The only problem with being short is that if someone wants to patronise you they can pat you on the head. Come to think of it that probably explains why Napoleon turned out the way he did. Hence the phrase.
Capricorn: Realistic new year’s resolutions: Get out of bed. Get dressed. Leave the house. Try not to die. Which is hardest: home schooling or braving the zombie apocalypse to go back to work? Stay safe on both fronts! After numerous lockdowns you might no longer want to stay indoors if other people are there. Embrace my sarcastic serenity prayer: “Grant me the sarcasm to the mock things I cannot change, the wit to change the things I can, and the cynicism to know the difference.” Life is hard. Try to be entertaining. If not then be angry, bitter and sarcastic.