Our Individuality Isn't Deserving To Be Conformed.

Hope Moquin

At fourteen, I felt like humanity hated me. So naturally, I began to hate them, too. I was drowning in condemnation, but looking back it was all in my head. Because never once did anyone shame me other than myself. Which if many of us look back, that seems to be the case for a lot of us. I was in a very lonely season at the time in my life. I had the boyfriend, but at a distance and in secret. I was in church every Sunday and Wednesday, but my mom paid me to be. Just because you are in church does not mean anything. Which is why I’m a firm believer on noticing the fruit of someone’s life and not just their words or even presence. The happy about life girl had disappeared and I didn’t recognize who I was becoming to be. At fourteen, marijuana became my only friend, alcohol became my escape, and that boy became my identity.

Humans do a really good job at treating the things we think we want as a missing piece while we quickly lend our persistence a hammer to slam it in so that what we want can fit our puzzle. But what a sorry way to live — filling our space with things we want but were never meant to have. Letting our selfish eagerness tamper with what was suppose to come in due time. If we would take a step back, I think we'd all see that a half empty puzzle makes more sense than a crammed full puzzle that doesn't create the picture it was suppose to. We have to know who we are before we pick up a piece to add in our puzzle. Because when we know who we are, we know what will fit. When we know who we are, we have the deeper understanding how every piece effects every other piece.

And through adding pieces and picking the pushed ones out — we’ll learn that empty space feels more full than it ever did even when it was filled with wrong pieces. I really believe, in an odd kind of way, feeling full with the empty is better than feeling vacant in the full.

It’s tough when we create who we are in another person who is not Jesus. Because when we identify ourselves with a human being, when that person is not with us, we are no longer with us either. Without that boyfriend, I never felt whole. And it’s ironic, because looking back I see now that even with him, I was never once whole. And that’s exactly what it is. Sin has this unruly way of wrapping itself around our neck and blurring our vision. In the moment, it’s all fun and games. In the moment, these things that fill us up seem like it’s all we have. But eventually, we will obtain the deep recognition that it was actually robbing and destroying more pieces of our soul than filling spaces in our soul like we thought.

I hope that I am opening the door for you to know how I genuinely felt in each moment. I have a read many books of stories, but they were merely stories. In my story, I want to get down to the core, and let you in a little bit more than what is classified as acceptable. I want the option for people to know how I felt without trying to make it pretty. I want my really human failures to be raw. Because I may be in a more steady place now, but I wasn’t always here. I want the hearts that read this to feel my humanness all the way through.

I know a lot of us never expected in our wildest dreams to be in the situations we have found ourselves in before. Some situations caused by our own decisions, some situations caused by others. Maybe some caused by both. Maybe as humans, let’s not be too hard on ourselves and forget that we are in fact human. We have to mess up so that God can show himself to us later on in a way that he never could have shown us on the mountain top. Maybe we had to trip back there and fall flat on our face so that now we can feel God in a way we never could have felt standing tall. Maybe we had to have gone empty handed sometimes so that now we are able to pick up what he has waiting for us.

Perhaps, maybe, everything we did terribly wrong was the footing for everything God intended to do overwhelmingly right. And in a holy paradox, that’s exactly it.

For the one who feels like your feet can never find solid ground to stand on, it’s okay. For the one who is trying to tip toe through their existence because no one sees you anyways, we see you, and we love you. For the one who everyone always thought was whack because you've had dreams that were wildly impossible to the human eye, that’s more than okay. And for the one who blinks really fast and starts to shrink back at the mere thought of success, you are just as capable as anybody else is. There are going to be times when we are more than people prefer us to be. Too loud. Too ambitious. Too sure. Too broken. Too complicated. Too awake for our brokenness. And because of that, I think that’s why it’s easy to walk into a room and conform to whoever is around us.

But I don’t believe our individuality is deserving to be conformed.

I don’t believe our integrity is deserving to be shoved to the side so that it can run after the approval of culture. I don’t believe it’s okay to seep into the normality of planning our every move to fit a non-existent mold. I don’t believe we exist to be someone who we craft together from a million different pieces from a million different

people around us. We are all different yet we are all really good at being a tourist in each others skin.

Sometimes it takes sinking. Sometimes it takes stepping over the shattered pieces of your old self. Sometimes it takes really big leaps onto new territory all before you seem to find a ground that isn’t cold. Sometimes it takes dreaming. Please, please, please dream. Dream bigger than yourself and let God rock your socks off, because He will. Sure thing. We are all different and we are all in different seasons. Life is always hitting us with change and we are always changing. But I learned that even so, God is our biggest fan in every single season. You aren't in this by yourself.

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