Exposing How Women’s Makeup is Lying to Men, and That’s Why They Can’t Trust Us

Gillian Sisley

A humor piece on how women have been trying to distract men from the truth for thousands of years. Now, the secret’s finally out.


Photo by Damir Spanic on Unsplash

Let’s be honest, gentlemen — you’ve always wondered what makeup is actually used for.

You’ve always wondered why it’s so common among women over centuries of history.

You’ve wondered and now, for the first time ever, the truth is about to come out.

You heard it here folks, the great secret revealed.

Women, it’s time for the world to know.

You may hate me for exposing us, but I can’t live with hiding my true self any longer.

What are the real purposes of our makeup collection? Here’s the truth:

The rainbow shadowed eyes of stone-casting.

All that eye makeup? It’s not just there to add some colour or make our eyes look more dramatique.


Photo by Egor Vikhrev on Unsplash

In fact, we’re hiding a deadly secret — we are all the daughters of Medusa, and we’re looking to turn you to stone when it’s most convenient for us.

Whether you’re simply an annoyance that we want to escape from in a crowded bar, or a wealthy-looking man we’d like to rob, we’ll take any opportunity with a good-enough reason to turn you to stone and get what we want out of you.

Because frankly, why else would we need to turn you to stone if not to take advantage of you like the deceptive wenches we are?

Let’s be honest — if men had this ability, wouldn’t they also use it to get a one-up on women all around the globe?

When men already have so many advantages against women, Mother Nature and the Great Queen Medusa needed to balance things out a little.

Thus, we can turn you to stone. Odds are, gentlemen, you have been temporarily turned to stone many times, but just haven’t realized it.

Because once we make our escape the spell wears off, you’re just left wondering where the hell we suddenly disappeared to.

By then, we’re long gone.

The contoured nose of truth.

Why reshape the angles of our noses, and brighten the tips just so?

Because we’re trying to distract you from the truth with our pretty, sparkly button noses. That truth being:

We can smell your bullsh*t from a mile away.


Photo by Atikh Bana on Unsplash

It’s true. Our nostrils will expand, the bridges of our noses widening, and our eyes growing bigger (not that you can tell with all that eye makeup we’ve got on) the more bullsh*t we smell coming off of you.

The fumes from the words of your treachery are so choking we can barely continue listening to you speak without gagging on the smell.

But of course, for the sake of being polite, well-behaved women, we do our best to distract you from our distaste.

You think you’re slick, but we know better. Sorry to burst your bubble (and with it your fragile, male ego).

The painted lips of lies.

While we believe your lies and bullsh*t to be unforgivable, we believe our own deception to be completely warranted.

Once that matte lipstick or sparkly lip gloss goes on, we become femme fatales who can lie as easily as breathing.


Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

We’re looking to tell you what you want to hear, so that we can get exactly what we want out of you. Drinks, free food, enough attention to please us, but no more than that.

Our sultry smoochers will keep you enticed the whole night.

Our ultra-plumping gloss and lip liner are drawn on in such a way that we have a never-fading smile, making you think we’re laughing at all of your jokes the whole damn night.

You will be bowing before our 6-inch pumps and kissing our feet, all because of the beautiful lies coming out of our sweet, painted lips.

The blushed cheeks of innocence.

You like to see us a certain way — to you, we are completely untouched goddesses with no previous sexual partners, while simultaneously being ‘expert’ ladies in the bedroom who are just naturals at what we do.


Photo by Keren Levand on Unsplash

We know, of course, that if we were to admit that our skills in the bedroom are not indeed natural, and that if we admitted we’d had just as many sexual partners as you, we would immediately be slut-shamed for it.

And so, we let you believe that first-time sexual encounters aren’t at all awkward. We let you believe that being good at sex doesn’t take any practice. We let you believe that you can get the best of both worlds, regardless of how unrealistic your expectation of our past sexual encounters (or “lack thereof") may be.

We distract you from your own misogyny while also distracting you from the completely normal sexual experiences we’ve had in our lives (as many as you’ve had, might we add) using an innocent brush of blush on our dainty little cheekbones.

And you, men, are left none the wiser.

The fluttering lashes of hypnosis.

Now, we’ve used our makeup to mask the lies and skills that we have to deceive you, but like the shapeshifting of our noses of truth, there are physical manifestations of being a woman that could expose us for the monsters we truly are.


Photo by Terricks Noah on Unsplash

These physical changes are the part of our grotesqueness that threatens to expose us the most of all.

This is where our fluttering, hypnotic eyelashes come in to save the day.

As soon as any manifestation begins, we put our mascara-adorned lids to good use. The more ‘monster’ we need to distract you from, the more mascara and the longer the falsies we wear.

Our eyelashes flutter away and draw you in. Should our manifestations get momentarily out of control, we use our Medusa eyes to turn you to stone until we can get our metamorphosis under control.

We snap you out of your trance, you haven’t figured out a single thing about our identity, and we have gotten away with our deception once again.

The secret of womenkind remains safe to go out and deceive the hell out of the male masses once more!

Final word.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been sold this false narrative of:

“Women are lying to men by wearing makeup, and that’s why we don’t trust them.”

When a woman dresses herself up in pretty clothes, and makeup, she’s lying to men by trying to 'cover up’ her flaws, her pores, her ‘real’ face.

The insinuation by misogynists online is that if they deem our natural faces as ‘uglier’ than our made-up faces, we are deceptive wenches who should be burned at the stake.

Because we owe them ‘honestly’ pretty faces before they choose to stuff their members into our orifices.

As if a woman wearing makeup that was marketed by capitalist men to women in society was the only way it was supposed to be. And it then becomes our fault when we flip the script, and is something we should be villainized for.

Because as soon as we reclaimed makeup for our own self-use and no longer for the pleasure of men exclusively, makeup lost its purpose and worth in the eyes of misogynists. It went from something desirable/mandatory, to something shameful and wrong.

The very thing that was meant to control us has now become something to empower us, and that is absolutely unacceptable.

So here are men, feeling like they cannot trust us because we wear makeup.

While we women are here feeling like we can’t trust men because they’re killing us in the streets, while we’re just minding our own business or working our day jobs to make an honest living.

Fascinating how that works.

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Online solopreneur. Tea drinker. Committed optimist. I write about trending news, viral Reddit content, and anything else that tickles my fancy.


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