Cake-Smearing a Bride Should Be an Immediate Cause for Divorce

Gillian Sisley

A betrayal so deep the damage is irreparable.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

fter months upon years of planning, preparation and far more stress than any normal human being could live through and survive, the day has finally come — your wedding day.

Every detail has been planned to perfection. From the exact shade of pink of the roses to the down-to-the-second timing of the schedule, to the position of every element in the reception hall which might as well be as precise as a sacrificial ceremony to Satan — everything is ready to go.

But there is one detail that, no matter how long you plan or how clear you are with instructions, is still a loose cannon . . .

It’s your Groom.

Sure, his zest for life and child-like glee is enjoyable to you in controlled, private environments . . . but on your wedding day, his spontaneity could very well be the demise of this perfect day you’ve planned down to the wire.

This is the day that is the real test in your partnership — Day 1 of your marriage. Will he fail the ultimate test or will he rise to the occasion and behave like an adult for once in his life?

The test I speak of, of course, is whether or not he chooses to smear cake on your face during the ceremonial cake cutting.

This face of makeup wasn’t painted on by a third-grader, goddammit.

While your groom and his gaggle of miscreants rolled out of bed 30 minutes before making their way down the aisle, you and your bridal party were up at the buttcrack of dawn to start hair and makeup.

The hours upon hours of sitting and talking and eating teeny sandwiches and waiting and waiting and waiting were gruesome. Several times throughout the day, you weren’t sure you’d all make it out alive.

Once things get moving, the day passes by in a flash. The next thing you know you’re listening to speeches from everyone and their grandmother (not even your own grandma, just a random Nonna off the street), silently pleading to Sweet Baby Satan to make the torture end so that you can finally let your hair down and get sloppy drunk.

But before you can do that, there are still more important tasks to be done that will be preserved in photographs forever.

You and your new groom both cut a chunk of cake and are smiling for the cameras. You stare into the eyes of your now-husband and tell him telepathically that if he even thinks of smearing that cake on your face, you will end him.

His glazed eyes from several drinks and lazy smile have mischief written all over them.

But before you can give him a verbal warning, the cake is being clumsily smeared all around your mouth and nose like cheap clown makeup.

The crowd mostly laughs and cheers — but you can sense your bridesmaid running for cover knowing that Bridezilla is about to make her glorious entrance and bring the entire building down.

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

This expensive face took hours to paint on. Now, as you remove cake laced with ultimate BETRAYAL from around your mouth, you can see the foundation coming off with it.

The makeup artist left hours ago, so she isn’t here to touch up your expensive visage.

The pimple that gloriously emerged in the worst place on the worst day possible has now been freed from its cosmetic prison and is threatening to wreak havoc on all of your wedding guests.

As your groom laughs joyfully, you imagine taking your stiletto off and stabbing him deep in the chest with it, just so that he can have an accompanying wound to match the one you now have in your own back.

In your penny-pinching world, every cent counts.

You found so many ways to save money and make your budget stretch beyond belief that you deserve a damn Nobel Peace Prize.

Photo by Jo Szczepanska on Unsplash

From DIY projects every weekend to scouting out deals like a Bloodhound, to utilizing every discount humanly possible and shamelessly requesting favours of service from every human being you’ve ever encountered in your lifetime, it has been a labour of love to stretch this budget to its limits and make this beautiful wedding a reality.

To see even a dime of this wedding budget wasted by asinine tomfoolery is the greatest of disrespects to you.

The moment he smushes that hunk of red velvet across your perfectly painted face, he might as well have set $20,000 on fire right before your eyes and cackled about it like a villain from a superhero movie.

The leading cause of marital disputes and divorce in North America is related to disagreements over money.

And after he shoved that cake in your face? Well, how could you ever trust him to responsibly handle your shared finances if he’s that frivolous with destroying shared purchases?

The answer is you simply cannot.

If he couldn’t be there for you when you needed him most, how can you ever depend on him in the future?

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

He had two jobs for the big day. You’d been abundantly clear on this and couldn’t remember how many lectures you’d given over trendy hipster brunches.

He just had to 1. show up, and 2. NOT smear cake on your face.

Two simple requests, that was all you asked. You needed him to step up and be a responsible adult just this once. You needed support from him on this day so it could be perfect.

But here you are — after all of your meticulous planning and late-night stressing, he took this opportunity to serve you with a deep, irreconcilable betrayal. And in front of everyone you know, no less.

You’ll become an Internet meme. The laughing stock of your community. As you stand there, wiping away the cake with a napkin some nobody handed to you, your entire life of this nonsense behaviour flashes before your eyes.

You realize you’ve made a colossal mistake in marrying this man.

At the very least, you could ensure the marriage certificate and documents never actually get mailed or filed, and thus the marriage would never be made official . . .

You could do it. You should do it.

Because, well, what’s the alternative? A life full of unpredictable chaos and lack of control?

No thank you, ma’am.

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