A Comprehensive Roadmap to Landing Your Soulmate

Gillian Sisley

My 7 tried-and-true infomercial hacks to finding love.

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I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I’ve figured out the recipe for finding love.

It’s a complex algorithm, and I have OFFICIALLY cracked the code.

I’ve decided to share my most valuable and richest wisdom with you, fellow readers.

For those of you who are wondering how to find your own soulmate, I have the answers for you today.

DISCLAIMER: You must follow these steps in order and to the finest detail! If not, results cannot be guaranteed.

So far, my Love Algorithm has a 100% success rate, and its implementation has matched (1) persons up with their actual, honest-to-God soulmate!

The results are incredible! You can’t ignore numbers like that! Now let’s dig into my tried-and-true, more valuable than gold Love Code!

1. Develop an early crush on them, preferably before age of 18.

But never actually interact with them! That’s an important detail.

Simply watch (and admire) from afar, while they’re at their locker, while they’re walking to class, while they’re dating your classmate… you get the gist!

Admire from away, and you’ll have your day!

Watch from afar and wonder if a person like that, who is charming and loved by all and is incomprehensibly kind when they also possess such good looks, would ever go for someone like you.

Likely… not.

At least not for now.

2. Go on to make your own dating mistakes.

Date a garbage human masquerading as this generation’s 007. Let them treat you poorly, try to fix them, go borderline crazy.

Then realize that everything they are is exactly everything you DON’T want in a partner.

Leave that a** and start a whirlwind romance with yourself.

Then have an in-between person (or several) who you only date for 3 months, but is a safe place to land following an abusive relationship.

Let them remind you that there are quality humans out there, who treat others with dignity and respect. Even though it doesn’t work out with that person, look back on that relationship fondly.

Then carry on with your beautiful self.

3. Spend 2 years single, and enjoying every damn minute of it.

Steadily fall back in love with yourself, and enjoy every second of your own amazing company.

Declare to everyone and anyone how great it is to be single, and how you plan to stay single for many years, and have absolutely NO interest in dating anytime soon.

If you listen closely enough, you will actually hear the universe laughing at you.

4. Get reintroduced to your high school crush by a mutual friend 5 years later.

Recognize the back of their head before you see their face.

Also be alarmed by how creepy you must have been at 17 to memorize the back of this person’s head 5 years later, when you’ve literally never had a conversation with them in your life before this moment.

Inquire about whether they’re dating anyone, find out they are no longer dating that former classmate and are currently single.

Pretend to not care at all (but actually care a lot).

Go to a party, intending to be cool as a cucumber. Proceed to humiliate yourself in front of them in their first significant interaction with you.

Run away from the interaction having faith in the knowledge that they will later find your quirky and embarrassing demeanour utterly charming, and you will win them over in the near future.

5. Read into every single text you ever receive from them.

Drive yourself borderline crazy with this practice — psychoanalyze the response time and the emojis used.

Don’t pay attention in class because you’re waiting for a reply, and endlessly chastise yourself for not paying attention in class and letting a crush you have on another person derail your entire life.

Be exceptionally hard and cruel with yourself for being a human being who has feelings and like many others just wants to be loved.

6. Bake or cook their favourite food (because we know the way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach).

Show up to every social event with a new concoction or edible treat.

Make extra and insist they take the leftovers home with them (that means they’ll think about you outside of social situations, and think you’re such a nice and great person).

Ask around to find out what their favourite desserts are (you know, rather than asking them directly). The element of surprise is romantic.

One must be romantic. Always.

7. Drink a lot of gin and boldly demand some clarification of your relationship status.

You’ve never joked about dating with them.

They haven’t made a direct move on you in any way.

They send a winky face emoji sometimes, and that’s all you’ve really got to work with.

And yet, you don’t want to waste your time on someone who will never be interested in you.

So, you attend a party with 2 dozen freshly baked cupcakes, with icing pigmented in their favourite colour, ready to impress.

But they don’t show up to the party.

You’re majorly bummed, so you drink your sorrows away with an entire flask of straight, room temperature gin.

The gin makes you bold.

No, it’s not the gin — you’re just a bold person, dammit!

And for that reason, you get the bright idea to text them to ask (rather directly, might I add) if they’re playing you like a fiddle, or if they’re actually interested in you.

They confirm that there is indeed mutual interest. SCORE.

And BAM. You’ve got yourself a soulmate.

Oh wait, no! I forgot the final and most important secret step! This is key to everything:

Know you are worthwhile, valuable and worthy of love.

And anyone would be lucky to have you. But more than anything, YOU are lucky to have you!

We all have an actual, “honest-to-God” soulmate, and it's the person we share our soul with.

Ourselves.

Don’t take this person for granted. They are the real prize in the end. ❤

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Online solopreneur. Tea drinker. Committed optimist. I write about trending news, viral Reddit content, and anything else that tickles my fancy.

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