Nashville, TN — Like many music lovers, I've always wanted to visit the place where the "King of Rock and Roll" launched his recording career. Before visiting any new city, however, I usually familiarize myself with its basic laws.
In Nashville, it's illegal for kids to hold hands at school. This law left me scratching my head. I couldn't help but wonder: So instead of kindergarten teachers telling the class to "hold hands" while crossing a street, from now on they'll have to say — "hold eye contact" instead.
1. It's against the law to keep a cheetah as a pet.
Why? Professors grew tired of college students — who owned pet cheetahs — getting straight A's due to taking exams at home. Too much plagiarism by too many cheetahs!
2. Unless you're 18 years old, it's illegal to play pinball.
But if you've got a great serve and forehand, at 16 you can play tennis at Wimbledon and win millions. And then, by the time you turn 17, you can buy the entire Pinball Company.
3. It's illegal to throw stones in Nashville.
Ah, good thing David lived in Bethlehem and not Nashville. Else, when facing off with Goliath, he would've been arrested before even loading up the slingshot.
4. It's illegal for more than 8 women to live in the same house.
(Knocking on door.) "Ma'am, it's me . . . your landlord. Open up!"
"Why?" a lady asks.
"I've been told," the landlord says, "you have 8 women in addition to yourself living under the same roof. That's illegal."
The lady holds up her boombox to the peephole. Seconds later she blasts Britney Spears' song: "I'm not a girl . . . [still] not yet a woman!"
5. It's illegal to roller skate and listen to the radio at the same time.
But if you're skilled enough, feel free to watch and listen to YouTube videos of your favorite songs . . . while roller skating.
6. Because ministers are to be dedicated to God, they're disqualified from holding a seat in either House of the Legislature.
But if you're a reverend, preacher or pastor — wishing you good luck running for office!
7. It's illegal to share your Netflix password.
(Phone ringing.) A lady answers. "Hi, hubby."
"Hey," he says. "I got off work early and came home hoping to watch some good ole Netflix. What's the password, again?"
After a prolonged silence, she says: "Sorry, hubby, but's illegal to share passwords. Watch the local news instead."
8. It's illegal for Christian parents to require their children to pick up trash from the highway on Easter.
"Timmy," a mother yells, "pick up trash from the highway as you've been told, young man!"
"Mom," Timmy fires back, "it's illegal for you — a Christian parent — to force me to pick up trash on Easter."
His mother shakes her head. "I'm not Christian's parent. I'm Timmy's parent. Now get to work!"
9. "Crimes against nature" are illegal.
The next time Mother Nature sends rainfall and you see some smart-aleck human using an umbrella — feel free to report them. After all, it's a "crime against nature" to refuse to get naturally soaked.
10. Whoever rides a scooter must ride in a single file line.
A security guard notices several people riding scooters but one rider is in another lane. He blows his whistle and yells: "That's illegal! Get back in a single file line."
The guy on the scooter fires back: "I'm not riding a scooter. Rather, I'm merely sitting on a seat while the two wheels under me so happen to be moving."