Phoenix, AZ — Like many basketball fans, the defending Western Conference Champions converted me into a Suns' fan. And so, I'd like to one day attend a Suns' home game. Before visiting any new city, however, I usually familiarize myself with its basic laws.
In Phoenix, it's illegal to feed garbage to a pig. This law left me scratching my head while thinking: no wonder Kermit the Frog, whenever visiting Phoenix, only takes Miss Piggy to the finest restaurants.
And so, with that being said, here are ten weird laws in Phoenix.
1. It's illegal to refuse someone a glass of water.
Cops handcuff some guy seconds after attempting a burglary. The furious homeowner locks eyes with the thief. "Crime doesn't pay!" he says.
Mere seconds before reaching the cop car, the thief abruptly collapses to his knees. "I'm thirsty!" the thief cries out. He glances at an officer. "Tell that guy — who I just tried to burglarize seconds ago — to give me a glass of water or else."
The cop sighs. "Sorry about this, sir, but please bring this criminal a glass of water or we'll have to take you into custody, too."
2. Cutting down a saguaro cactus can lead to jail time.
For the past 20 years, two next-door neighbors named Bob and Mike have been enemies. Bob, fed up, one night sneaks over the fence and plants saguaro cactuses all around Mike's home.
A year later, when Mike realizes saguaro cactuses are growing out of control, it's too late. After all, it's illegal for Mike to cut them down.
3. It's illegal to wear suspenders.
Aha! No wonder Steve Urkel said he's never going back to Phoenix.
4. It's against the law to hunt camels.
And since no camels can be spotted roaming Phoenix, heck, lawmakers should add: it's also illegal to hunt Bigfoot.
5. It's illegal to sell fake drugs.
Hear that, doctors? So knock it off with administering patients those placebo drugs.
6. When wearing suits, remember it's a law to wear the state's official necktie.
"Hey pal," a security guard warns. "You can't enter here wearing any necktie aside from the official neckwear — Bolo tie."
The guy scratches his head. "Dude, I'm not even wearing a necktie under this suit. This happens to be a gold chain."
7. It's illegal for donkeys to sleep in bathtubs.
Donkey, from Shrek, loves taking warm baths. Unfortunately he usually falls asleep while doing so. Aha! No wonder Donkey keeps "landing in hot water" whenever he's in Phoenix.
8. It's illegal not to honor an animal's vehicle rights.
So the next time you see someone horseback riding on the road and you hear "Giddy-up," this translates to horse-horn honking.
9. It's against the law to walk through a hotel lobby while wearing spurs.
Perhaps this law was passed in the wake of the San Antonio Spurs eliminating the Suns from the playoffs in 2008.
10. It's illegal for children to sing nursery rhymes after 8 pm.
But after 8 pm, it's legal for children — while playing "Call of Duty" — to sing along to the video game's featured hardcore hip-hop rhymes.