Denver, CO — Like many basketball fans, reigning MVP Nikola Jokic converted me into a Nuggets fan. And so, I'd like to one day attend a Nuggets' home game. Before visiting any new city, however, I usually familiarize myself with its basic laws.
In Denver, it's illegal to buy a car on Sunday. This law left me scratching my head and wondering: What about buying a motorcycle or a boat, on Sunday, then?
And so, with that being said, here are ten weird laws in Denver.
1. It's against the law to ride a horse while intoxicated.
Just ask a cowboy and he'll tell you why it's a bad idea to share booze with a horse. After all, a horse — while intoxicated — flat out ignores the command to "Giddy-up!"
2. It's possible to go to jail for lending your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
(Knocking at the door.) "Hey Earl, it's me. Your next-door neighbor. Lemme borrow your vacuum cleaner again?"
"Nope!" Earl says, refusing to open the door. "Can't risk going back to the slammer for that. But you're free to borrow the broom and dustpan."
3. It's illegal to mutilate a rock in a state park.
While hosting a picnic at the park, some guy decides to channel his inner Axl Rose. "Take me down to the paradise city . . ."
Park security overhears him. "Hey, sir. That's illegal!"
The guy scratches his head. "What'd I do wrong?"
"It's illegal to mutilate rock." the security says. "And you've made me never wanna listen to Guns N' Roses again!"
4. Putting your couch outside is illegal.
But if you've got a love seat or a La-Z-Boy — feel free to deck the sidewalks with sofas of holly . . .
Fa la la la la, la la la la . . .
5. It’s legal to “modify the weather," so long as you have a permit.
A mother overhears her 7-year-old daughter crying. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"
"It's raining outside and I want to play in the park," the child complains.
The mother calls the child's father on FaceTime. "See she's crying, Bill? I asked you weeks ago to get that darn 'weather permit.' Now that she needs you to modify the clouds, for sunshine, you can't!"
6. It's against the law to stutter on a Sunday during a church service.
As an old man nears the exit door, he tells the usher (his son): "Bye-bye."
The usher frowns. "Please no more stuttering while in church! It's illegal. Sorry, Papa."
7. The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice.
As a small boy, a future lawmaker's favorite cartoon was "Scooby-Doo." So it's no wonder once he became an adult, he insisted this law be passed.
8. It's against the law for children over 8 to wet the bed.
"Ma, what happened to my Super Soaker?" an angry boy yells.
"Johnny," his mother says, "now that you've turned eight, wetting the beds with water guns is just too risky."
9. Cats that meow in the dark risk having their tails chopped off.
No wonder around Denver, at night, so many cats can be spotted with their mouths duct-taped.
10. It's legal for tags to be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
"This mattress fits a king-sized bed?" a customer asks.
The seller nods.
The customer rips off the tags.
The seller's mouth drops. "What's your problem, pal?"
The customer smiles. "I hear kings don't like tags. So if ever a king sleeps at my home, I wanna make sure he's comfortable sleeping in his tagless, king-sized bed!"