Omaha, NE — Like most boxing fans, I'm inspired by Terence "Bud" Crawford. And so, quite naturally, I'd like to one day visit his hometown. Before visiting any new city, however, I usually familiarize myself with its basic laws.
In Omaha, it's illegal to either sneeze or burp during a church service. This law left me scratching my head and wondering:
If someone farts loudly during a church service and the usher asks "did you pass gas?" perhaps they should answer: "Nope! I'm a ventriloquist."
And so, with that being said, here are ten weird laws in Omaha.
1. It's illegal for barbers to shave chest hair.
After a man gets a haircut, he rips off his T-shirt. "Hey, I'm too hairy. Shave me, please."
The barber shakes his head. "It's illegal to shave chest hair. Sorry."
The guy turns around. "I need my back, not chest, shaved."
The barber smiles. "That'll be $20 bucks!"
2. It's Illegal to go whale fishing.
Alright. Since there's never been a whale in Nebraska, lawmakers might as well add: "In Omaha, it's illegal to have a microwave, but it's fine to have a clock that occasionally cooks microwave dinners."
3. It’s illegal to fly a plane while drunk.
The flight attendant notices the pilot uncorking his second bottle of wine. "Being drunk while flying is illegal," she warns.
The pilot smiles. "Don't worry, my autopilot's got everything under control."
4. Drivers on mountains must drive with caution near the right-hand edge of the highway.
And since there are no mountains in the entire state of Nebraska, lawmakers should add: even if you've never been involved in the husking of corn, you're still allowed to cheer for the Nebraska Cornhuskers.
5. Without a state license, it's illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm.
"Mom," a teenager says, "will you perm my hair for the prom?"
Her mother frowns. "That's illegal, baby. But I'll be more than happy to give you a Jheri Curl."
6. Hotels must provide clean white cotton nightshirts for guests.
(Phone ringing.) The hotel's front desk clerk answers: "Hello, may I help you?"
"Yes," the voice says. "I'm staying in room 312. You've got less than a minute to bring me a fresh, clean white cotton nightshirt or else." He pauses. "Because the nightshirt you gave me at check-in was polyester!"
7. It's illegal for barbers to eat onions.
During a haircut, a customer lifts his shirt to cover his nose.
"Hey . . ." the barber says, blowing more hot-onion-scented breath in the customer's face, "why you keep lifting your shirt?"
The customer waits until the haircut is finished. He then says: "Listen, pal. Either you pay me for suffering thru that illegal haircut or I'm reporting you for assault with a deadly mouth!"
8. You risk being arrested if your child burps in church.
A security guard at a church overhears a child burp. "Ma'am, that's illegal."
The lady shakes her head. "Sounds like an issue you should take up with Green Giant — the manufacturer of that gassy, steamed broccoli I cooked earlier."
9. It's illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
A regular strolling into a bar is left scratching his head. "Dude," he complains to the bartender, "what's with the new sign out front: By a pitcher of beer + get a bowl of soup for free."
10. The Nebraska Hall of Fame Commission requires a person to be dead for at least 35 years to be considered for the HOF.
Aha! No wonder it's taking so darn long for Omaha legend Fred Astaire to land in the Nebraska HOF.