Detroit, MI

10 of the Weirdest Laws in Detroit

Genius Turner
Not only is Detroit the "Motor City" but it's also the city where visitors can "discover" some of the weirdest laws.(Paolo Nicolello/Unsplash)

Detroit, MI — "Detroit is big enough to matter in the world," said Pierce, "and small enough for you to matter in it." For this reason, I've always wanted to visit Motown. Before visiting any new city, however, I usually familiarize myself with its basic laws.

In Detroit, it's illegal "to willfully destroy an old radio." This law left me scratching my head. After all, if someone buys a new REVO digital radio for $500, he's free to smash it to smithereens. But it's illegal to smash a $30 portable radio from the '80s?

And so, with that being said, here are ten of the weirdest laws in Detroit.

1. It's against the law to tie alligators to a fire hydrant.

And who's responsible for this law? Let me guess . . . Crocodile Dundee.

2. It's illegal to scowl at a woman.

"Hey, buddy," some security guard shouts. "I saw you frown at the lady standing by your side!"

The offender scratches his head. "Sorry if it looked like a scowl but that's just how I sneeze."

3. It's illegal for pigs to run free unless they have a ring in their nose.

Somewhere Kermit the Frog is croaking: "Jeez, I can't wait to surprise Miss Piggy with our honeymoon trip to Detroit."
Surely, Miss Piggy appreciates Detroit's welcoming piercing laws.(Ross Hawkes/Flickr)

4. It's illegal for your car to be idle (ignition turned on) in your own driveway.

Imagine if this coming winter brings Detroit another record low of -21 degrees, as did it back in January of 1984. Unfortunately for the guy without a car heater, sprinting back inside while leaving the ole Ford Escort running to "warm-up" is against the law.

5. By state law, dentists are officially classified as mechanics.

I guess since this is the "Motor City," dentists are expected to have motor oil under their fingernails too.

6. It's illegal for cars to be sold on Sunday.

But . . . but what if on a Sunday, say, Elon Musk randomly offers you a million dollars for the ole station wagon?

7. It's against the law for putt-putt golf courses to remain open after 1:00 AM.

How'd you like to be the lady celebrating her birthday at the putt-putt golf course, which she owns, only to overhear some party-goer shouting at midnight: "We only get to celebrate your birthday for one hour."

8. It's illegal for unmarried couples to live together.

(Loud knocking at the door.) "Ahem," the voice says. "I'm an investigator here to check on the complaint an unwed couple lives together in this household!"

"Sorry but . . . " the guy yells back, while reclined on the La-Z-Boy, "somebody told you wrong! She's been having sleepovers for years and I've merely been the guest."

9. No man may seduce and corrupt an unmarried female, or he risks five years in prison.

Surely most guys never knew downloading dating apps could be so risky.

10. The last Sunday in June of each year shall be known as “log cabin day.”

This year, Halloween falls on a Sunday. So when hearing someone greet with "Happy . . .," don't dare cut them off and finish their thought with "Halloween." After all, they merely could've been trying to say: "Happy . . . Log Cabin Day!"

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My writing is popular in academia (biology, psychology, etc.) and on websites such as Quora (millions of views) and Medium. Also, I'm signed to the same literary agency as Eckhart Tolle. In short, my sole mission in life is to serve my brothers and sisters from all walks of life.

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