Why Sometimes You Love Someone Until Living with Them

Genius Turner

"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are" —Marianne Williamson


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I. Perception is Reality

"How could a man even dream of cheating on Beyoncé?" my buddy Josh mumbled while shaking his head in disbelief.

Apparently moments before, Josh—while scrolling thru his IG feed—glimpsed a meme that referenced Jay-Z's infamous confession of infidelity.

Given that I'm forever on the hunt for a good story, I abruptly started poking the bear.

"Josh," I said, "I guess ya never heard of that old saying—familiarity breeds contempt, huh?"

His blank expression suggested I needed to fill in the blank.

I went on to explain how because there is no "reality," only perception, each person's perception is reality. And so, because we humans are naturally attracted to new stuff, once we become familiar with anything—no matter how "beautiful"—it gradually loses some of its luster.

Perhaps for the above reason B.B. King once crooned:

The thrill is gone
The thrill is gone away

In short, because our perceptions are attracted to novelty, which explains such sayings as "out with the old, in with the new," in many instances—we think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.


II. Everybody Has Flaws


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"To be human is to be flawed," runs the proverb.

"Flaws" are to attractiveness what devil is to holy. And as I'm sure you well know—for a spouse to not think they have a flaw is a flaw in itself!

When you're merely dating someone, and not living with them, you're not exposed to the details of their personality. And because the devil is in the details, so too are the flaws.

It's one thing to live apart and do that whole meet up a few times a week for dinner thing. Ah, how lovely she looks when dolled up, or as Drake once put it: "Oh, you fancy, huh? Nails done, hair done, everything did."

Ahh, but what happens when she moves into your apartment and that chipped nail polish morphs into an eye-sore?

What about when she wakes up next to you without makeup?

"I woke up like this," Beyoncé bragged in her song "Flawless," so as to suggest her beauty is all-natural. Ahem, I'll say it again: for a spouse to not think they have a flaw is a flaw in itself.

On the other hand, how attentive to your feelings he was on all those romantic dates.

Oh, what a great listener he seemed to be on all those late-night, heartfelt convos over FaceTime. Indeed, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Ahh, but what happens when he moves into your apartment and that attention he once paid to you is now being paid to LeBron dribbling a basketball on the TV screen?

What happens when your once great listener becomes that dreaded "silent bad listener," which is said to be even worse than an annoying gossiper?

In short, sometimes you think you love someone until living with them.


III. In Closing

"The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms." Socrates' insight merely served as the foundation of the famed Socratic method.

Take one glance at the word personality, which belongs to each person, and it becomes apparent why both words stem from persona (Latin: 'actor's mask'). Each personality, then, merely reflects the role played by each actor or person.

For the above reason, Chris Rock once joked:

When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative.

Many a truth is said in jest indeed.

What's long been called the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship usually goes hand in hand with living apart. Ahh, because only Father Time will tell, once a couple moves in together, Mother Nature whispers to her children: the more we see someone, the more ordinary they appear.


Once the honeymoon stage is over, circumstances can’t wait to finally reveal “character." And once the significant other's true persona comes to light, only then will each partner come to grips with why Mary J. Blige once sang:

Real love
I'm searching for a real love
Someone to set my heart free

After all, love is "real" only when it allows you to freely reveal your real self.

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My writing is popular in academia (biology, psychology, etc.) and on websites such as Quora (millions of views) and Medium. Also, I'm signed to the same literary agency as Eckhart Tolle. In short, my sole mission in life is to serve my brothers and sisters from all walks of life. http://finalspeciescode.com/

New York City, NY

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