GIRLFRIEND — girl friend … the difference between the two words is that tiny space in between called THE FRIEND ZONE. (Pic: DoctorButsMD on Flickr/Creative Commons)
I. Better a Painful Truth Than a Comforting Lie
If you ever care to hear the truth, someone once said, simply ask a child, a drunk or a fool.
Sure, by the time I made my grand appearance on the world’s stage, my uncle Mike had long since graduated from childhood. But on some nights — he sure starred in the role of a drunk fool spewing out the truth!
Rewind Father Time’s hands and there I sat on Grandma's couch. …
Unless my memory has turned into Houdini, I couldn’t have been a day over ten. I covered my ears as my older cousin Nicole cried a river on Grandma’s shoulder.
Apparently, the love of Nicole’s life had been caught in bed with another girl. Ouch! As fate would have it, Uncle Mike stumbled through the front door and abruptly locked eyes with the heartbroken one.
Uncle Mike took a swig from his brown paper bag, presumably 40 ounces of malt liquor.
He staggered to the kitchen countertop. He then slurred: “Now baby girl, haven't I already told ya — boys like girls but not as much as they love sex; girls like boys but not as much as they love money!”
In vino veritas, indeed!
As for the crass nature of Uncle Mike’s “real talk,” when it comes to the truth — let’s leave the style points to gymnastics judges. And so, let me try a hand at keeping it real, too. And the real is this, Dear Reader:
9 times out of 10 the stuff a drunk man says is true; 9 times out of 10 the stuff a horny man says isn’t.
II. Can’t Be Friends
Pic: Peter K. Levy on Creative Commons
During a classic scene from When Harry Met Sally, Harry mentions to Sally: “You realize, of course, that we could never be friends.”
“Why not?” she wonders.
Sally expects an answer long and sour, but Harry keeps it short and sweet:
“Men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.”
From the big screen to the comedic stage, this age-old tale of why Jack and Jill can never really be "friends" persists.
Perhaps Dave Chappelle best summed up the matter when he joked: “the day my penis stops working is the day I’ll start working on having some female friends.”
Many a true word is spoken in jest, indeed!
Perhaps we humans sometimes forget who we really are. … We forget our closest cousin is named Chimp; so close in fact — we share roughly 98 percent of our DNA with chimps.
“Man,” reminded Darwin, “still bears in his bodily frame the indelible stamp of his lowly origin.”
For the above reason, it’s unsurprising President Clinton risked the most powerful position in the world for a few seconds of pleasure.
Chew on these vitamins for thought for a second:
If the most powerful man in the world — someone whose brilliant head led him to become a Rhodes scholar — couldn’t help but succumb to thinking with the wrong head, well, what do you suppose that says about the average “Bill”?
III. Guess What Tops the List of What Men Think About Most?
Men think about sex every seven seconds,” goes the saying.
For this reason, ahem, I’d dare go so far as to say:
Tell me the number of days since a guy last had sex, and I’ll tell you the number of things he’s willing to do for a woman.
Whenever I hear a female say “he’s so nice to me” or “he’s my friend,” I chuckle at the joke.
Usually, I’ll fire back: “Now that’s a good one! Ahem, so tell me, is your ‘friend’ a gay man, a monk or a cousin?”
If she answers “none of the above,” I’ll usually heave a sigh. I'll then break out Einstein’s famed method known as a thought experiment.
IV. Einstein’s Thought Experiment Applied to Chatty “Friends”
The thought experiment goes like this. …
I’ll usually start by saying to a female, typically a family member, who claims a certain guy is her “friend.”
“Alright, now close your eyes,” I’ll say.
“Cool. Cool. Now picture yourself seated at dinner with the one male friend you most enjoy conversing with. You know, the two of you just get all lost in conversation and stuff. You know, given how friendly you two are and all.”
She smiles while offering a name.
“Alright . . .” I pause, so as to heighten the dramatic finish. “Now picture staring at Mario across the table. Now, remember this is Fantasy Land where you have magical powers. Okay, now tell Mario . . . you ready?”
I'll rub my hands.
“Now tell Mario, ‘Hey, guess what? I used my magic to leave my vagina at home today! But anyway, how was your — ”
“Mario leaps from his seat and sprints out of the restaurant," I'll conclude. "He’s left you speaking to his breeze.” (Tires screeching sound.)
V. Friends with Tigers, Eh?
My college roommate once remarked, “When a girl puts me in the ‘friend zone,’ bro, I always interpret that as ‘she just doesn’t wanna have sex with me.’ Sheesh!”
To my old roommate’s point, I suppose females are somewhat naive in this respect.
Ever notice only one gender is in charge of smacking that “friend zone” sticker on the other?
Sure, when Rachel Uchitel said “Tiger [Woods] and I are just friends,” I took her for her word. After all, a year or so before, I had taken my darling 9-year-old cousin, Destiny, to the zoo. She spotted a tiger prowling about at a distance.
Destiny then pointed while saying, “the tiger . . . the tiger — that’s my friend.”
“Of course that tiger is your friend, darling,” I said to my precious cousin. After all, Mr. Tiger was Destiny’s friend just as Mr. Tiger was Ms. Uchitel’s friend, too, and all the countless other ladies around the globe — with those “tigers” for friends.
VI. In Closing
Like beauty, mystery lies in the eye of the beholder. …
Science says there’s nothing “mysterious” about when Sally tries a hand at poking a hole in Harry’s logic.
Sally says, “So you’re saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?”
He then replies, “No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too.”
Here lies the answer as to why men and women can’t really be “friends.”