3 Florida Man headlines that are weird AF

Evie M.

God bless Florida. Since moving to Orlando a little over a year ago, I have been so entertained by how different and straight up weird this state is. And that's not meant as insult. In this day and age where everything becomes grayer and grayer with time, living in a weird place keeps you feeling young, even when your knees sound like firecrackers each time you stand up.

And, of course, Florida would be nothing without Florida Man, the weirdest super hero you'll ever meet. Before I moved here, I really had no idea the depths of weird Florida Man would go, but the daily news trickling.

1. "SO: Orange County man breaks into ex's home, def****es on belongings"

When I tell you my mouth dropped reading this headline, and continued to just fall to the floor with each word I read of this insane Florida Man news story. Apopka resident Michale Anthony Johnson was arrested in 2015 and accused of breaking into the home of an ex and "def****ing on the victim's bed sheets, a glass kitchen plate, a wallet and a dresser."

I am going to puke, and it gets wilder. Johnson was only out from jail for two days before he violated a no contact order between him and his ex.

There's something different about the vengeful people of Florida. I think I'll stay single forever, thanks.

2. "Florida man accused of jumping naked on neighbor’s trampoline before breaking into home"

Okay, as scary as this must have been for the poor homeowners who had to discover this random man in their home and watch the security footage of him acting a fool, I have to say I laughed at this headline. It' just so impossibly weird.

Last year 21-year-old Adrian Lee Gonzalez-Bradway was taken in and charged with "burglary and criminal mischief with property damage of more than $200" by the Lee County Sheriff's office after he was caught breaking into a home sans clothes. I have to say I might've been laughing at the headline before but the actual story has wiped the simple clean off my face, because wow.

A man was seen lurking around a home and when asked if he needed help didn't respond. Later, the concerned resident who saw him before noticed him "jumping on her family’s trampoline while still naked."

She called 911 when the public indecency started. When she denied entry to Gonzalez who demanded access to her home, and he then apparently smashed her window before she barricaded herself and children in her car.

Wow. That went from weird to wild really fast.

3. “Florida Man Arrested for Crashing Car into Mall; Says He Was Trying to Time Travel”

When I tell you I cackled at this headline, even though it's quite sad. There were many contenders, so many that I'll have to do a part two to this series, but the winner of the third spot on this little list is this beauty of a Florida Man story.

An unnamed Florida Man was taken into custody and taken in for "evaluation" after thinking he could time travel in his Dodge Charger, crashing it into Advanced Tax Services and Pensacola Caskets at a local mall. According to the driver, he thought he was "going to disappear".

I feel bad for laughing and hope he got the help he needed, but I think we can all agree this headline is absolutely weird.

What was your favorite story? Let me know in the comments!

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"Reader beware, you're in for a scare!--R.L. Stine"

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