Good afternoon! Welcome to yet another academy at Ms. Evelyn’s Charm School for Desperate Women. Today, we will be covering a topic close to my own heart: What to do when you first meet your crush’s girlfriend.
This is only one of the many disastrous moments you’ll face as you search for your ever elusive soul-mate. Yes, there are billions of people in the world, but you’re certain God cares enough about you to find him for you. You’re unsure of when, of course, but anytime before you perish would work out well.
Here at Ms. Evelyn’s, we will teach you a set of felicitous rules tailored to this exact nightmare. If followed precisely, these rules will lead you through this inconvenient overdose of actuality.
When successful, This program is pleased to boast a 60% chance of exemption from mental scarification!
With this, let us begin…
Rule Number One: Remain calm
This rule is indispensable. You must approach it from a serious stance if you are to avoid seeming like a petty, unconfident shrew. Your coworkers have been begging your crush to bring her by for weeks. You wrote off the day on the calendar, but you happen to draw the short stick in life. Now, you are working when he decides to do so.
It is imperative that you begin strengthening the muscles in your face before a mirror. Best results are produced when done twice daily. This will help you hold a winning smile when you lay eyes on her and all your motor functions fail you.
Recommendation: Bring along a discrete set of adult diapers. In the event you also lose control of your bladder, you’ll be spared. A dry young lady is an attractive young lady.
Rule Number Two: Be Polite
With your smile in place, make sure to stand up and greet her once the feeling has returned to your legs. Do not sit at the back of the room in your sunless corner and shoot random glares like a green-gilled cave troll. Staring is rude indeed, and though you imagine you’re being subtle in every way, you’re not.
Nodding while she corners you into a discussion is a fantastic way to step off on the right foot. Be warned, this will most likely cause a migraine to saw it’s way down the center of your cranium. Still, do your best to pay attention regardless.
Your crush will be making intense eye contact with the side of your head as he judges you. So, a great impression at this stage is the key to success. All good men have a fondness for pets, and you are showing him how tolerant you are of his yapping lap dog.
Rule Number Three: A buttoned mouth is forever safe
During the course of your interaction with her, be prepared to not get a word in edgewise. Once you part ways, you would be wise to continue on with your silence. If you do not, you may draw attention to your uncontrollable, misplaced emotions.
You’re a solid 6 on a great day, but you expected a man of his caliber to have a young Cameron Diaz on his arm. Be mindful, a courteous woman would not mumble about the girlfriend’s plain looks once she’s out of earshot.
Though you think you said it to yourself, somehow everyone heard. This is a grave mistake. Not only will they feel you are a veritable twat, they will proceed to spread your secret to all who will hear. Including him.
Rule Number 4: Be happy for them both
Coming to terms with the idea he is pleased with his choice for companionship will aide you in your quest to cope. It’s neither yours or her fault you have these emotions, and all you can really do is dazzle him while you can. At times, it may also be acceptable to wish for a swift break-up. This is permissible only if the appropriate amount of false sympathy is administered.
This concludes this week’s course.
I’d like to thank you for joining me today, and I do hope you enjoyed the seminar. Mark your calendars for next week! We’ll be discussing emergency tactics for when your boss sees a nude photo on your phone instead of the intended cat meme.
Until then! Ta-Ta!