The Slightly Salty Divorcée’s Guide to Moving Out

Evie M.

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If you’re reading this, you’re probably like me, and have undergone divorce in your life. If you’re really like me, it is recent. You’re still stuck in the same God-forsaken house because you have crippling student debt and a serious addiction to living above your means.

You’ve been a complete angel through this terrible process, doing your best to not make waves. You hide away in a she-cave like the unholy creature you are in your own damned home. When you do have to leave the room, you skulk around like a ninja, praying he won’t be there so you can avoid conversation.

If you are like me, you are over it, but you’re also a bit of a sadist.

A bitter sadist.

Well, don’t fret! The day has finally come. You got the call, made your deposit, and now it’s time to get the hell out of there. Here’s how to do it in style, and draw a little blood in the process.

The morning of, make sure to wake up early so you look snatched

Look, just because you’re broken up doesn’t mean you shouldn’t display the goods. You don’t give a shit about what he thinks of you anymore, but you do like to see him squirm. When you walk down those stairs, you need to look like you’re about to lip sync for your life in front of Ru Paul herself.

If you’re short for time or a total savage, walk around naked for a while. I guarantee you’ll enjoy watching him scramble to cover his awkward boner. Bonus points if you hide all nearby throw pillows.

Scrub the house of memories

On the day you leave, don’t do so without cleaning up. You’re not that much a dick, are you? Hell yeah you are, but you’re going to pretend you’re not so you can show him he’s kind of a slob. So, grab your Fabuloso bottle and get on with the purification ritual.

Shower where he was “too tired” to get it up? Shiny!

Mirror you stood in front of each morning and questioned your life choices? Windexed!

He’ll be so excited you got off your self-serving ass and did some chores for once, he won’t notice the passive aggression.

What a win-win.

Get some friends to help you move

If you actually have friends, unlike me, this will be a cheap favor some beer and pizza can fix. Otherwise, this might cost you, as you’ll have to bribe some people to pretend they care.

Make sure to get a healthy mix of both genders in the bunch. There needs to be a lot of disgusted side-eyeing and unabashed flirting going on. When you’re done, leave with one of them and mention you’re going out, loudly. Put on an Oscar worthy performance. He doesn’t have to know you’ll be laying spread-eagled in bed alone binging The Office on Netflix.

Most importantly, celebrate

Listen, you are a literal warrior. You have trudged through hell itself and came back with the devil’s head on a spit. You are sexy, you are smart, and you are free.

Take some time for yourself, head bang in the car to some death metal on the way to your new life. If you get pulled over, don’t worry about it. Unbutton your shirt a little, dust off the ‘ole cleavage, and play dumb.

It’s not taboo anymore, ’cause you’re single now. Enjoy.

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"Reader beware, you're in for a scare!--R.L. Stine"

Orlando, FL

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