San Francisco, CA

Why San Francisco is Suing its Own School District

-Ellie-

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Photo by MChe Lee on Unsplash

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

Students at San Francsico Unified School District, a school district normally helping thousands of students get the education they deserve, are in the middle of a legal tug-o-war.

The second month of 2021 has not been a win for students who just wanted a normal year in the wake of another COVID-19 surge.

Students are crying and folding their hands as supervisors, city officials, and school administrators bicker like bored relatives. What started out as a well-meaning intention to protect the city while opening up businesses as COVID-19 rages on has ended in strife.

This fictional story offers an exclusive scoop on, one man—Monty Brown—and his heroic effort to help the city sue its own school district after the school district failed to open back up for school-business.

The Urgent Facts

On Wednesday, February 3, San Francisco became the first in the country to sue itself, which is a lot like walking by your reflection in the mirror and not recognizing yourself.

The city is suing the school because the school won’t open. Educators have to take COVID-19 tests weekly, and, if you’ve seen The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, some schools have those rooms where teachers get to nap and play games, which now they can do at home.

Just kidding on that last part!

In short, the city of San Francisco wants schools to open. Schools want to be closed. Schools don’t even want to be schools anymore. They want to be Build-A-Bear workshops. They want to be places where you can get paid well.

Maybe, schools want the right to determine their own rights.

The lawsuit hasn’t yet bloomed and blossomed, but residents are roiled that their tax dollars would go to an argument.

The City & Teachers Respond

“It’s a little sad that everyone’s raring to open except for our educators,” said one supervisor. “It’s almost as if economic incentives really work, and maybe if we gave those same incentives to teachers, they’d want to show up and do their jobs, or maybe—”

In that moment, a rogue shoe hit this supervisor on the head. Disoriented, they stepped into human feces on the sidewalk near the Financial District and were unavailable for further comment.

Let’s turn to the teachers.

“We want to go back to work. You think Zoom is easier? It’s a horror-show,” said one educator. “But it’s not safe to go back. That’s the strange thing. COVID-19 cases aren’t better. There’s a mutation. We don’t all have vaccines. This is insane.” Said one elementary school educator who preferred to remain anonymous.

“It’s like being gaslit by the whole entire world,” she said.

Our Hero

One valiant warrior has luckily stepped forward.

Super-lawyer Monty Brown is ready to rescue San Francisco and all its students.

He’s bad, he’s bold, he’s a former Burner and backpacker and all-around high-volume vitamin-taker. His hair is long and curly and black. His mustache is as long as his hair, which you rarely see anymore.

Born and raised in San Francisco to two mothers, Monty Brown knows how to collaboratively discuss and solve a problem.

Some would say he’s been ready for a fight for years, ever since he ended up at the Fyre Festival and found it to be a hideous mess complete with fellow wealthy San Franciscans chasing him with torches for his dry mattress he’d dragged out of a wet yurt by the beach.

Brown received his wealth from a mysterious patron who visited his family when he was a child. This shadowy figure simply gave them a check for twelve million dollars, which Monty promptly deposited into an investment account.

Sounds like Monty wasn’t educated in SFUSD!

Monty Brown decided to go to law school in the Maldives while on vacation. You might ask yourself, is there a law school in the Maldives? There isn’t much there, right?

You’d be right. Brown took online classes at Phoenix University before taking classes online is cool.

He’s the original cool online computer user. And because of his experience using computers for online legal learning, Brown is a strong advocate for online education.

Which is why he’s fighting on the side of San Francisco schools who are electing to remain closed.

Parents are miffed, educators are relaxed and angry simultaneously, Teach For America is confused, and Monty Brown is ready for a fight.

The Plan

Later this month, the legal battle will take place behind plexiglass and latex gloves and also masks.

Brown was only available for a brief interview, during which he hogged the mic, so to speak, and talked and talked about his mission.

“I’ve been all over the world, and nowhere do students really actually have to go to school every day other than the U.S. and probably Britain. And also Thailand. They’re pretty strict over there.

“What I’m trying to say is, I’m sure the kids are doing fine. That’s why I support SF schools.

“They know better than anyone what little monsters these children are.

“Of course they don’t want to deal with them anytime soon!

“And think about all those COVID-19 tests they have to take? And all the kids yelling and coughing and sputtering and laughing? It’s too much for any adult, which we’ve all seen this year.” Brown said all this as his silky black locks cascaded down his well-educated chest.

“Phoenix University was the best decision I ever made. I made my own legal degree. I have an O.JD! Which is an online JD.

“It’s very real, because I have one, which proves they’re real.

“Also I’ve been hired by the school district to protect their very important legal rights, which proves it’s a viable degree, unlike all those poor kids coming out of law school at Yale with no career prospects.

“And they can’t even take a break and go to Burning Man.”

Brown’s mission is to “show the city who’s boss” and push for union-wide changes as best as he can.

We probably think that's a good idea, too. See you on the flip side of this tense legal battle.

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SF Bay Area (formerly OC) writer, mindfulness educator, and life coach. Passionate about public safety. Big fan of improv, funny lawn ornaments, and truthiness. IG: @bigsisterco | https://bigsister.co

Oakland, CA
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