Photo by Ellie Bozmarova
This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.
On Wednesday, January 13, America prepared to boot Donald Trump off the island just one week before his political arch-nemesis, Joe Biden, gets the King of America crown.
In a way, the preceding is true, because the House of Representatives has approved a resolution calling on the powers of the 25th amendment (and yet, some wonder, why don’t we just delete some other amendments? The 18th is like a piece of trivia. Some would say the 2nd amendment could do with some snip-snipping as well. Anyway—) to impeach the president. But the following will probably be false, at least in some way.
The 25th amendment? Impeachment part 2? What will Biden wear?
Most importantly: what does this mean?
It means, “Be humble, Donald Trump!” is essentially what it means.
While we can’t turn back time, (if we could, we’d give it all to you), we can wag our fingers at a president who has truly done it all, everything we’d ever imagine possible, in just four years.
Origin Story of a Guy Who Will (Sigh) Go Down in History
Let’s go back to the fictional, mythical story of the Donald (aka “The Don”, “Donny”, “Chosen One”, and “…Him?”).
Born on St. Helena in a manger perched on top of Napoleon’s old jail cell, Donald Trump emerged wailing from the bud of a tulip.
His wail has never, ever ceased.
Some might say his caustic manner is similar to Anne Boleyn, one of King Henry VIII’s wives (hey, he rings a bell in this scenario. Does history just 3D print these guys?) who was said to have a “sharp tongue” which was why Henry had her executed.
You see, Donald Trump was born with special superhuman abilities.
His superhuman sense of entitlement rivaled the gods.
He really believed he was owed everything. Not only that, he demanded it!
He blustered and bumbled his way to the top!
In 1988 in an actually real interview with Oprah, Donald said he wasn’t interested in running for president, but if he ever did, he would win.
No thanks to America, he was right! Is being right one of his superhuman gifts?
In fact, his gift is being wrong more than the average person could possibly bear before wandering away from their lives, putting on a mustache, and calling themselves John Barron.
A Bully/Hero Emerges
In his adolescence, Trump trained with the greats—real estate moguls, stock market tycoons, and people who didn’t believe the Bubonic Plague ever happened. Oh, the pustules.
He learned that a bully/hero never backs down.
That a true hero doesn’t have to work out and can be unhealthy and nobody can tell him off for it.
That a true hero is a patriot whenever it serves him.
That he never has to respect women (ew, women!) because they must cater to his every whim.
That it is his way or the highway.
That if he is wrong he should never admit it.
That he only has enemies, no friends.
That the rules don’t apply to him.
That golf is fun because you can be lazy and win.
And probably any other rules that are the opposite of what the average woman receives upon birth.
That his career trajectory should mimic everything the movie Back To The Future 2 said in 1989, including, I kid you not, that Trump would become president.
Flocks of Fans, Seagulls, and Enemies
Some people were into Trump’s terrible ways.
Sometimes, when a kid gets knocked down in the sand pit, they decide to ingratiate themselves to the bully instead of risking further injuries.
So Trump surrounded himself with fellow bullies willing to be second-in-command and people who were trying to keep out of harm’s way by walking in it at all times.
We can’t judge them, but America is sure finally judging Trump.
It’s taken a long time, and so very much evidence of Trump’s villainy, but Trump is finally being sent in a Space X shuttle to the farthest reaches of space!
It’s (not) true!
Off he’ll go, floating among the actual stars, maybe vortexed briefly in the spiral of a black hole, cascading down planetary waterfalls, ooh-ing and aah-ing and not Tweeting because—haha, we got you now, Trump!
He’ll sit in silence to think about what he’s done.
He’ll maybe pace. Maybe he’ll eat one of the 40,000 McDonald’s cheeseburgers we’ve put on board.
Maybe he’ll enjoy nightly conversations with Congresswoman Pelosi who is secretly his friend.
This is fictional, but you never know.
Severus Snape was the true hero of the Harry Potter franchise, you know?
But What About America?
Ah yes, it’s true. America is kind of the other contestant in this twisted reality show presidency.
Should America get kicked off the island? Some folks say yes, some say no. Some say we need more cheese in this country.
While America hasn’t made the best choices, it’s a relatively young country. Really, historically speaking, the United States is in its adolescence.
Who let this country vote and make grown-up choices?!
America Bites Back
To all of this, America tepidly says, be humble, Trumpy! We don’t want to hear it anymore. You threw enough lightning bolts to bring down a global power grid. You blew all the houses down.
You’re no hero.
You’re a bully! Some are saying. Such words!
And worse—you’re unapologetic! And even worse—you’ve been positioning yourself to conservatives as some kind of Biblical prophecy-come-to-be!
We are an opinionated bunch at this fictional news team.
Some would say there’s no room for subjectivity in news, fictional or real. And those people have not read or watched the news in a decade or more. We’re pretty sure they are actually characters in a silent film about trains or whatever.
What we mean to say is, on behalf of about half of the United States of America—
Sit down, be humble.
We’ll take it from here.