Emeryville, CA

Derpy Giraffe in front of Rudy’s Can’t Fail Cafe Comes to Life, Joins Police Force



Photo by Ellie Bozmarova

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

Lovers of Rudy's Can't Fail Cafe in Emeryville, California got a rude awakening when walking up to the deliciousness-filled diner for brunch on Sunday.

This location of the cafe opened all the way back in 2002. The cafe is owned by Green Day bassist Mike Dirnt, which is hip and true, though the rest of this story is not!

The Missing Giraffe

The giraffe statue, adorably pictured above, installed about four years ago and created by a local artist, was gone.

There was a sizable hold in the sidewalk where the giraffe was.

People could swear there was a giraffe there.

Across the street, at Emeryville Town Hall, a crowd of people stood, mid-commotion.

One brunch and Rudy’s lover in particular, a local hero, we’ll call him, decided to investigate.

“Yeah I just couldn’t abide by no giraffe there,” the resident said. He preferred to remain anonymous but informed us he loves punk rock and waffles.

This individual and some of his friends crossed the street to see what all the fuss was about. All these ordinary-looking people, fussing.

Strange, too, because of Coronavirus, that people would be together, fussing, who are not part of the same family.

“What’s all this?” He said.

“We’re protesting!” They said.

“Protesting, uhh, what?” He didn’t see picket signs and nothing seemed to be wrong anymore in Emeryville.

It used to be a place you didn’t go unless you were part of a fight club or crime ring or worked at the steel mill.

Now it’s the only place in the immediate East Bay with a Barnes & Noble and IKEA!

“The giraffe,” they growled.

“Wait! What happened to the giraffe?” He and his friends asked excitedly. If this is what it’s like to be a detective, sign them up!

Speaking of detectives…

A Tall Order of the Truth

In a mysterious series of events, somebody’s kid was watching Zootopia on their iPad.

Local people in the know understand immediately that there are many layers of crime happening here.

For one thing, Rudy’s is very close to Pixar’s headquarters. Yes, the Pixar! Too bad all their jobs require you to actually know things about movies and storyboard cutting, but if you’re lucky and you know someone, you can get a tour.

According to a Vulture article from 2016, “Zootopia Confirms That Pixar Is No Longer the Undisputed Champ of Feature Animation”*—ouch!

So, how dare a child watch this film so close to Pixar and so close to this clearly persuadable giraffe? Even with all the nice Pixar employees who come by for a sandwich?

Regardless of how this uncomfortable change happened, one thing is certain—the giraffe has moved on to greener pastures. And while prejudiced locals aren’t happy, the giraffe is succeeding.

The Subconscious Effects of Zootopia

It appears that the giraffe has decided on a career change.

After watching Zootopia and taking particular notice of rabbit/police officer Judy Hopps, the comparing her to Jeremy the giraffe, who is a “Zuber” driver in the film, Giraffe (as it prefers to be called) decided it was time for a change.

This inanimate statue of a derpy-looking giraffe decided to take wing (foot?) and make something of himself.

This giraffe, slowly coming to life beneath the chipping paint, walked to the Emeryville police station, which is weirdly far away from everything.

The police station is near the marina park, literally next to the yacht harbor and far away enough from San Pablo Ave to say, “Not our problem, Oakland!”

Anyway, Giraffe loped and limbered into the police station, looking on as strangers gasped in the street and children took photos on their iPhones.

Having gained the ability to speak from all those years eavesdropping on brunching humans, the giraffe asked for a job application, please.

“Giraffe is a mononym,” he explained. “Like Oprah.” Giraffe had an attitude that made the station employees notice.

“Maybe he really is meant to be a police officer,” said one local woman. “Who are we to stop people from living their dreams?”

A quick Google search showed there is no mascot of Emeryville. How silly!

This local woman, our local hero who discovered the giraffe’s whereabouts, and others, have decided to sign a petition:

To make this giraffe Emeryville’s mascot. Finally, a leader of this kind-of town!

Not only that, but the giraffe has officially joined the police academy’s training program. It has a significant advantage over other incoming officers, because it is fifteen feet tall.

You would think it would have a problem walking through hallways or sitting in cars, but it doesn’t. “Giraffe just has a great attitude,” a fellow officer said. “And that goes a very, very long way.”

The Giraffe Speaks

After many attempts, garbage raids, Insta stalks, and neighborly questioning, we finally got access to Giraffe.

“I’d like to thank Rudy’s and the artist who made me and God who gave me the breath of life,” said the giraffe when finally reached for an interview. This guy is busier than busybodies! “Clearly I have a purpose here, and you all are allowing me to live it. Thanks. Also thank you for not putting me in the zoo. Those animals are sad. That’s a crime I hope to stop.”

His head hung in semi-humility, a confident smile on his giraffe lips, and a booming voice you didn’t know giraffes had.

We had our interview, at, of course, Rudy’s. What does a giraffe eat at Rudy’s?

“I’ll have the buffalo salad with fried buffalo tofu and an order of the tofu rancheros,” Giraffe said. Among the myriad tasty treats, shakes, malts, omelettes, hot sandwiches, and pancakes Giraffe is a local hero with simple tastes.

What can we say? Even as an objective fictional news source, we have hearts (of romaine).

We’re glad Giraffe decided to live out his dreams despite angering some people and inspiring raving fans who just won’t stop following him. See you around, Giraffe!

*Source: https://www.vulture.com/2016/03/pixar-disney-zootopia-inside-out.html

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SF Bay Area (formerly OC) writer, mindfulness educator, and life coach. Passionate about public safety. Big fan of improv, funny lawn ornaments, and truthiness. IG: @bigsisterco | https://bigsister.co

Oakland, CA

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