“Oh Well” Refrigerator Magnet Delivered to All U.S. Households in Addition to Stimulus Check

-Ellie-

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Photo by Ellie Bozmarova

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

This week, ahead of the final couple of days before 2020 is forever behind us, all households in the U.S. found a surprise in the mail.

In addition to the $600 stimulus check, individuals found another surprise.

Everyone received a clown-like refrigerator magnet. Intended to both stick to the fridge and clip papers under its chin, this silly clown came with no additional context.

At first, people thought it was a friendly joke from a neighbor or friend.

“I thought it was Patty from next door yankin’ my chain,” said a midwestern woman with what we’re saying is a midwestern accent. “She knows I love clowns and refrigerator magnets.”

What a nice surprise for this woman.

Some, however, were offended by this clown. “If this is from the government,” said one person. “It looks like the clown is not taking any responsibility for this horrific year.”

Fair.

Compared to other nations around the world, the U.S. falls woefully short of stimulus-es other people are being offered.

Hundreds of dollars are simply not going to the average American.

“I hear in Mexico they drink government-subsidized margaritas every day!” said one SoCal youngster.

This is probably false, even in this fictional story world, but other countries like Italy are covering 80%+ of people’s regular salaries.

Can you imagine?

The government making it so you don’t have to starve?

Back to the clown.

Anatomy of a Clown

Debate is raging over the nature of the swinging design under and around the clown.

Is it a scarf?

Is it arms?

Is it little hands saying, “Oops!”?

We’ve been able to poll the nation. As of today, we’re at 45% scarf and 55% arms saying “Oops!”

Let’s see what this fictionalized version of the government says.

The Government’s Response

“Okay, just so you know, Mexico so does not offer free margaritas every day,” said representative Smitch McMonnell.

“Here in America, we work hard for our money. Or we inherit it. Or marry into it. Or all three. Sorry, not sorry.” Said McMonnell. “Think of it as a holiday gift. Feel lucky.”

McMonnell was a delight to talk to. Despite rumors, we did not push him into a trash can.

Back to the story. What gives? Who sent out these clown magnets? How did they make so many?

Are New Yorkers receiving different colored ones?

Are they fancier?

Do they glow?

We have questions because you have questions. And it’s our job to find answers to your questions or create more questions.

A U.S. government representative, who asked to remain anonymous, gave us the scoop.

“We partnered with Amazin’ the online retailer.” They continued. “They sound like Amazon but they’re not Amazon at all, they’re totally different.”

“Cool,” we said. “What’s the difference?”

“The name.” They said.

It appears that the online retailer pooled manufacturers to make these special refrigerator magnets.

The purpose of the magnets was sort of to help support the American people, and sort of to offload rotting wood and decades-old plastics.

“Everyone recycles and re-gifts around the holidays,” said one of the manufacturers, who also preferred to be anonymous. “Unfortunately, since everyone has the same magnet, there’s no way to give this as a gift to folks in the U.S.”

After the magnets are COVID-19-proofed, it’s possible to send them as gifts to folks in other countries. Why you would want to do that, we don’t know. Shipping costs a pretty penny.

Delighted Americans

Some Americans are delighted by the magnets. We’ve received the following responses:

“They’re so cute!”

“I love clowns!”

“Wow, I feel so lucky my government cares about me enough to mail me this magnet.”

“I don’t have a refrigerator anymore, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

“Can I get this in blue?”

“Can I get this in animal?”

“Why do its eyes look so dead?”

“Is it smiling to encourage me to smile?”

“I think mine is haunted.”

“My nose fell off. Can I get another one?”

“Mine crawled out of the box it came in. I think it’s alive!”

“This magnet only holds my stimulus check. All other paper is too heavy and all the papers fall to the ground.”

“My magnet was missing a magnet so all I got was a wooden clown.”

“Yep, mine is definitely alive.”

“I can’t deny it, it really does give off an ‘oh well!’ expression.”

“Remember a year ago when the government never gave us money or magnets and we complained about things like traffic and smog?”

Next Steps

McMonnell didn’t say we’d expect more magnets, but perhaps the future has more goodies in store for us.

“We’re doing monthly prizes!” He said. “Only everyone will win because this is a country of equality.”

Wow! What strong sentiments. And prizes? Now this is what we signed up for!

“January is jenga, February is flower, March is milk. Get ready for fun!”

Only three months out of twelve were described. We do not know what happens after March.

What happens after March 2021? We don’t know. If you do, please email us at fictionalellie@yahoo.com.

When we asked how the government would send fresh milk, McMonnell said he didn’t say anything about the milk being fresh. “Don’t get ahead of yourself,” he growled.

As protests continue around the country and people die before they can get the vaccine, we’re a little bit confused by the country’s next steps.

It’s like we’ve never been through a pandemic before, like how in some places it can rain or snow and the buses don’t know what to do even though it rains and snows every year.

However, we have faith, because the ingenuity of this country has always been in its people.

Also, we really enjoy the clown magnet we’ve fictionally received. It’s cute, it’s friendly, and it reminds us that nobody really knows what they’re doing, especially during a pandemic.

Sure, we can make plans and policies, but the only way to get through this is to show some compassion, kindness, and push anyone in a trash can who gives you grief.

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SF Bay Area (formerly OC) writer, mindfulness educator, and life coach. Passionate about public safety. Big fan of improv, funny lawn ornaments, and truthiness. IG: @bigsisterco | https://bigsister.co

Oakland, CA
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