This Lucky Sweepstakes Winner Just Won an Apple Car


Photo of non-Apple cars by Ellie Bozmarova

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

The Winner

When bleary-eyed Ryla Clump woke up in her tiny Oakland studio on Tuesday, December 22, she had no idea Christmas was about to come early.

A harsh knock at her tiny studio woke her up. It was her landlord, yelling.

“Ryla, you cannot leave that marshmallow downstairs blocking the entrance!”

Clump had no idea what her landlord was talking about. She didn’t own any marshmallows. In fact, she was a vegan and had wised up years before to the secret, schemey non-veganness of marshmallows.

Still, she looked out the window next to her cluttered desk where scraps of her eighteenth unpublished novel were strewn.

There, down below, street level, was what even she could see was a giant marshmallow. Only this marshmallow was playing U2’s “California (There Is No End to Love)” from the hit album everyone was forced to listen to, Songs of Innocence. It had come pre-downloaded on everyone’s iPhone back in 2014.

She only knew the song because she’d stopped using records in the awkward period when illegally downloading music was actually illegal, when records were becoming cool again, and before music was free for streaming for everyone.

On closer inspection, however, the marshmallow actually looked like a giant high-tech computer mouse. Intrigued, she went downstairs.

Meeting The Press

Ryla and I shook hands after she recovered from the flash of my lens, stars in her eyes. “Who the hell are you?” She said. “I didn’t say you could take a picture of me.” For a non-descript person, she was rather mouthy.

Then I told her the good news. She’d won! She’d been the lucky winner. The chosen one. Of the special Apple lottery.

She looked confused. “I won a computer mouse? There isn’t even a trackball on this giant thing.”

“No, silly,” I said, in my authoritative reporter tone. “You won a car. An Apple car.”

She looked dumbfounded. Then she saw neighbors were pointing at the apparent-car, at the steering wheel, or where it was supposed to be. They were mouthing, “Apple car!”

They gave her high fives.

Her car?

How? She didn’t enter lotteries. She didn't know Apple made cars.

The Special Prize

It turns out, everyone who owns any Apple product was given a chance to win. Like Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, folks who had purchased more products had more entries. A few bratty humans tried winning. But Clump, with her sad, sad life, had somehow come out the winner.

The Apple item that won her the Apple car was, it turns out, a 2004 iPod Mini. “It’s basically indestructible,” Clump told fascinated bystanders.

The Apple car wasn’t meant to be released for at least another year. The manufacturer decided to gift one early, hoping against hope it wouldn’t cause mass panic, but maybe also hoping it would.

The car itself really does bear a resemblance to a super-sleek Apple computer mouse and also a marshmallow.

Clump allowed reporters to see the car’s interior after she’d received car access. The car only unlocks when she makes a dolphin sound in her particular vocal timber. Otherwise, sharp-pointed spears thrust out of all sides of the car if one does not make said sound quickly enough and is not Clump.

Inside is supple full grain leather, palladium-gilt on ever filigree-able surface, and an actual human butler.

His name is Sconce and he comes out of what appears to be a deep slumber only when you clap and say, “Sconce?” His role is to clean the car, pick up dry cleaning, and order takeout for the driver, among, we’re guessing, other butler duties.

Sconce lives in the car. He appears to not be 100% human, however, and is quite tidy. He has an expertly manicured mustache.

We don’t know if all Apple cars come with Sconce, who is perhaps like Siri, Alexa, and the like, or if he was a part of the prize. Clump and Sconce seem to make a good team.

Apple executives were not available for comment. Most people we talked to at Apple seemed quite surprised such a car existed.

The Consequences

Overall, neighbors in Clump’s neighborhood are incredibly annoyed at a car that is a foot wider than all other vehicles.

To placate them, Clump drives each neighbor up and down the street once per month. The ride is smooth and frequently lulls them to sleep.

“Good thing we were so isolated then all got the COVID-19 vaccine,” Clump said. “Or else so much personal contact would actually drive me insane.”

Then, Clump moved closer as she whispered the following. “The thing is, I can’t actually drive. I don’t even have a license.”

Neither Apple nor local law enforcement seem troubled by a self-driving marshmallow with a license-less driver. After all, it’s the least weird thing they see now.

Clump The Popular

How has winning this car years before anyone else could acquire it affected Clump?

“Well, my entire life is now about the car. Apple has ordered me—I mean hired me—to travel and attend trade shows and stuff. I think it’s actually the only Apple car they have.” She has also signed a contract that she will never, for the rest of her life, learn to drive a car, nor ever attempt to drive a non-self-driving car.

Clump has settled in to her new life and has even moved to a higher floor in her apartment building. Apple has prevented a bigger move to allow the neighborhood to enjoy the car before they move on. “The view here is nice, right?” She said to MTV Cribs producers on their initial walk-through. They declined to comment about plans to produce an episode of Clump’s lifestyle.

When asked to comment on life with Clump, Sconce's eyes turned glass and raid, and he said, “Hail The Apple. All Will Hail.” After which he coughed, shook his head, and said, “I’m sorry, I think I got some dust in my motor! Ha ha ha,” His mustache fluttered, but only because a tiny fan under his false nose gently blew air to make it so.

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SF Bay Area (formerly OC) writer, mindfulness educator, and life coach. Passionate about public safety. Big fan of improv, funny lawn ornaments, and truthiness. IG: @bigsisterco |

Oakland, CA

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