San Francisco, CA

San Francisco Residents Accidentally Receive Only $6.00 in New Stimulus Payment

-Ellie-

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Photo by Ellie Bozmarova

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

The Stimulus

Late on Monday, December 21, the federal government passed the longest bill in history at over 5,000 pages,* one that had congress members struggling to read before voting. This stimulus bill gives funds to struggling businesses and $600 to most Americans.

This is good news for most people, for whom $600 is better than $0 and they can stop paying their landlords in Hubba Bubba bubble gum and Netflix movie rentals on Blu-Ray.

Unfortunately, there were massive consequences for this lack of thorough evaluation for the Bay Area. Massive to the tune of $500 million gone missing.

The Under-Stimulus

In an accidentally-entered provision for the Bay Area, San Francisco residents will soon find they will only receive $6.00 instead of $600.00 of their stimulus payment. In San Francisco terms, a $600.00 check is basically $6.00 anyway, but not to residents who had been anticipating those funds.

Local coffee industry expert Mallory James said, “You actually can no longer buy water, let alone coffee, at $6.00 in the City.” James was standing on a sidewalk just off of the street formerly known as Market. The thoroughfare is now known as Blank Street of Nothingness. Tumbleweeds of Ross ads and Forever21 crop tops scuttled along the sidewalk as they spoke.

Next Stimulus Steps

What is next for the City? The progressive-leaning Board of Supervisors has some ideas.

“We could pool your money—I mean our money,” said an anonymous supervisor. “We can buy more if we just all chip in. You know, more water, snacks, tar for the potholed streets. I can’t do it all on my own!”

Another supervisor, who consoled this sad first individual, lamented the lost opportunity to support local businesses. “Maybe I’m missing something, but why are huge businesses like Gap getting all of our money?”

A Gap spokesperson was unavailable to comment. That is, until they were harassed.

On the fiftieth call, the individual stated that Gap executives would say they’re small business owners at heart. The supervisors howled into the night.

But What Does SOMA Think of This?

The three people left in SOMA still working in-person at tech startups had more high-tech ideas. Connor Bradshaw, Midwest transplant and die-hard lover of that West Coast Lyfe, gave his thoughtful ideas. “I don’t know what $6.00 is. What is $6.00? I think I make that much in an actual nanosecond. I haven’t seen six individual dollars together in a decade. This does not compute.”

The other two people left in SOMA also had no idea what $6.00. “Six…dollars. Is that a name for something?” One asked.

“I think my uncle has one of those,” the other replied.

On A Temporarily Serious Note

Needless to say, the City is not all tech bros and $6.00 actual cups of tap water. Where it counts, individuals aren’t receiving any stimulus payments at all. Local non-profits are struggling to support a growing number of people who don’t have San Francisco—or anywhere—to call home.

The government is, unfortunately, screwing the pooch on this one. At a time when people need real support, that real support is non-existent. Bills passed by screwball Lucille Bluth politicians to bandage over a failing economy and social structure just won’t cut it.

The burden must go somewhere, and unfortunately it’s landing on the people.

Elsewhereville

Elsewhere in the country, individuals are skipping all the way to the bank with their new checks signed by maybe Donald Trump again.

“I can finally pay off the student loans I’ve had for years,” said fifty-six-year old Matilda Hawkins. “That Master’s in Making Bank Online was not the most lucrative investment I’ve made.” She said.

How could this mistake have been made? Investigators went straight to Washington, D.C. There, amid the heaps of paper and screaming politicians, they happened to run into a Ms. D'Alessandro Pelosi in the hallway. The hallway was just outside her office, where investigators were camping for the night.

“Honestly, I’m holding this country together with Scotch tape,” Pelosi said in this fictional story that is fictional. “Do you think I get paid overtime? No. Nobody asked me if I wanted six dollars or whatever that is.”

The City Takes Charge

San Franciscans have decided to take matters into their own hands. From the spookily echoing streets of the city rises a kingpin for the people. His name? Quennis Fox. His job? A printer. Of money.

“We’re just gonna make fake Bitcoins and dollars,” he said. “This has gone on long enough. Is money even real? Is it?”

Is money even real? When individuals were asked, they struggled to find answers. “Yes, money is real, because we agree that money buys stuff,” said one local business owner.

“Money isn’t real but we agree it is so it is.” Said another.

Suddenly, people are talking. They want answers. If money isn’t exactly real, and a simple error in where a period is placed can result in nearly one million people not receiving $554.00 each, meaning a total of almost $500 MILLION has gone *poof*, then perhaps it’s time to reconsider whether or not money is real.

In fact, 100% of citizens this fake publication polled agree: if they all say $6.00 is really $600.00 when doing their taxes and things like that, then so it is.

For the purpose of local business transactions (not counting Gap, etc.) $6.00 is still $6.00 and maybe can buy you a latte.

For the purpose of paying back student loans and whatever else the government asked for, it’s fake Bitcoins, crypto-pennies, stock market IOUs, and sweet nothings whispered into the government’s ear.

What will people use their $6.00 on in the City? Here were their answers:

  • Shut up (66%)
  • Literally more gum (30%)
  • Masks with cute designs on them (3%)
  • Back-up supply of oxygen in case the world ends (2%)
  • Savings for a space ticket on Space X (1%)

· *Source: https://www.usnews.com/news/politics/articles/2020-12-21/too-big-to-read-giant-bill-a-leap-of-faith-for-congress

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SF Bay Area (formerly OC) writer, mindfulness educator, and life coach. Passionate about public safety. Big fan of improv, funny lawn ornaments, and truthiness. IG: @bigsisterco | https://bigsister.co

Oakland, CA
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