Mom Says Daughter's Biological Father Is a Narcissist and Won't Attend Her Wedding If He Walks Her Down Aisle

Elle Silver
Photo byJonathan Nenemann

A mom took to Reddit to share how she's refused to attend her daughter's upcoming wedding if her biological father comes. When the mom was married to this man, he was abusive. She claims he's a "narcissistic jerk."

This mom has since remarried and her new husband has always treated her daughter like his own. Still, the daughter wants her biological father to not only attend the wedding but to walk her down the aisle.

When this mom and her new husband heard this, they were both understandably hurt. What's so weird about this situation is that it's not like this daughter's biological father was so good to her either.

He only stuck around until the daughter was eight. Then he took off to travel the world. Sure, he regularly sent $1500 in child support. Still, the daughter would often cry about him missing her birthday.

Her biological father would make up for it by sending gifts. Nevertheless, he still hurt his daughter.

Nevertheless, she wants him to be the one to walk her down the aisle.

When her adoptive father called her out on this, the daughter replied that her biological father sends her a lot of money. Today, she views that as more helpful and supportive than her adoptive dad simply being present in her life.

The mother got so angry about this news that she said that if her daughter's biological father attends the wedding, she's not going. She also won't let her daughter wear her wedding dress.

The daughter didn't take this well and called her mother "heartless."

The mother now feels very alone as she wonders whether she's done the right thing in refusing to attend her daughter's wedding. Reddit users are also split on this decision.

One user sided with the mom, writing:

Are y’all ignoring that her grown ... daughter wants to invite her mom’s abuser to her wedding because he buys her [stuff]? My dad abused my mom and I’d never invite him to my wedding.

And yet another user pushed back against this assessment, stating:

We also know that if we get a dollar for every time a narc calls someone else the narc, we would not have to work. Mother's first go-to thing is threatening not to go, and is then only concerned for herself... NOT daughter AND I are both upset, should I try to mend this... No, I am upset. Have you ever met a narc? Major victims. Never met one myself who was not 100% convinced it was everyone else.

Because it's hard to know who has the better case here, let's look at this predicament a little closer. Ultimately, the decision of who to invite to her wedding should be up to the daughter.

Emily Post's wedding etiquette encourages that all immediate family members should be invited to a wedding. That's true unless the relationship is permanently severed. If family members are in good standing with the bride, then they should be invited.

This daughter has a relationship with her biological father. Therefore, he should be able to attend.

And yet, it's also important to consider the impact that the biological father's presence at the wedding may have on this mom. She was a victim of abuse. Seeing her abuser at her daughter's wedding could be incredibly traumatic and triggering.

Julie Owens, a domestic abuse advocate and educator, says that, unfortunately, this daughter may simply not understand the impact that her biological father's abuse had on her mom. "To a great degree, a lot of people don’t ... understand coercive control, especially if there’s not physical abuse."

Owens adds that family members may think, "Now that you’ve taken a break, the abuse has stopped. And maybe there’s even a chance of reconciliation."

But this is not the case, says Owens. On the contrary, domestic abuse only increases in severity over time.

Therefore, the presence of this daughter's biological father at her wedding could actually be very harmful to her mother. This daughter should also further assess the damage she's doing to her adopted dad.

He's the one who's been there for her all these years. Her biological dad may have sent her money but has he done the tough, hands-on work of being a good father?

Still, the decision is ultimately up to the daughter. This mom is just going to have to accept that, even if she believes her ex is a narcissist.

And in the case of not hurting her stepfather, this daughter may consider doing what Kara Miller, a Utah woman who was married in 2021, did. She solved this problem by having both her step and biological fathers walk her down the aisle.

What do you think? Should this mom and her husband just accept her "narcissistic" ex will walk their daughter down the aisle? Or should this daughter be ashamed to be putting her mom and adopted dad through this pain? Let me know in the comments!

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I write about dating, marriage, divorce, family, society, and the city I live in: Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, CA

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