Your Account is Suspended: It’s not You, It’s Us


Your profile spread like the Covid-19 Coronavirus

SATIRE ALERT (This is fiction).

Dear @WaffleSpeak,

We are writing to let you know that we have suspended your account. It’s semi-permanent, though (please see our request below). Your profile has been quarantined until our staff have calmed down. Heck, we will even give you a blue tag if you help us get out of this royal shit-show.

Photo by mohit suthar on Unsplash

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of your suspension, let us be clear. You have not violated any of our rules. Please don’t read them. Do NOT dig into our ToC to unearth some pious policy that you have violated. That’s for the creatively delusional.

It’s not you.
It’s us.

Let us explain.

(i) Our rules are there to make poor twats believe that we care about appropriate content and all that shite.

We don’t

And therefore:

(ii) You have not broken any of our “rules.”

Which means:

Don’t worry but do read on (please).

You see, we don’t use algorithms and filters*. We employ a vast army of cheap labourers that form the rigid backbone of our Random Inspection of Profiles (RIP) programme. Our valued RIP staff can stare at a screen AND move at least three fingers independently at the same time. Multi-taskers, so quick, they act before you can say “click”!

No automation* just clicks. RIP baby!

And here, my dear user, is where the problem started. One sunny Monday morning, one of our most experienced RIP workers got distracted while staring at your profile and accidentally had a proper look. I don’t know if our employee had an unfortunate off-target click, or did not click the “next” button at all!

Something else just clicked.

Now you must understand that our RIP workers are not allowed to read and assess content. They have been trained** to click and flick through 3,500 profiles each hour for good reasons. The extra millisecond, spent on your profile, however, caused a short attention spike and most unfortunate, triggered a thought.

A critical thought

Now, you know how it is with large organisations. Employees talk about stuff on the work floor, and you can’t stop it. We tried and failed. We, therefore, have a “3 of 5-word” rule. It’s trendy. Try it.

  • A sentence can not exceed three words
  • You can only use five different words on the work floor on a given day
  • You can choose your 5-word vocabulary during the day***

Normally, It works pretty darn well in stopping discussion in its track. Well, not on this particular occasion. Our speech recognition system picked up and filtered the following conversation from the deafening sound cloud of clicks.

RIP#387850 (the culprit): “Huh?”
RIP#846249 : “Whatup?”
RIP#387850: “Look “Huh””
RIP#846249: “Huh Goodmorning Sir!”
RIP#846421: “Excuse me, send?”
RIP#387850: “Right, I am going to share this motherfu..

This is where we intervened and killed the conversation (violation of our three-word rule). Unfortunately, our enforcers (we call them “minders” on the work floor), were a fraction of a second too late to stop our rogue employee (now widely known as “Spartacus” at RIP HQ) from sharing your profile with the rest of the RIP force. Mayhem ensued.

So you may ask yourself: “What does my profile have to do with teargas, water cannons and riot police at RIP HQ?”.

It’s your Bio. I have pasted it below for reference:

Former MEP. Strategy. Capital markets. Due Diligence. Market infrastructure. Solution design. Implementation.

What on earth does that all mean? Do you strategise due diligence to structure markets? Do you design solutions for the implementation of capital markets? What is an MEP? Market Expert Professional? Market Executive Problem solver? Do you identify as a man or MEP? Manly Exotic Planner?? Our employees are used to converse in three-word sentences, but this -WTF?

My team is confused as heck and to be honest, so am I!!

Unfortunately, what started as a relatively straight forward debate on Monday (remember our work floor rules), now has turned into a not so pleasant civil war between RIP factions. It has been raging for at least 72 hours. I won’t bore you with detail. Atrocities are what they are. Not your problem, right?!?

Let me stress, it is not your fault. But please inform us as to what your bio is meant to convey. This would fix our problem in no time. We would share your message with the remaining RIP force (I must say that its size is dwindling) and bring some clarity and light back in our lives (why do bunkers never have windows?).

I hope you understand. I haven’t slept. Help. Please.

If you fail to respond to this message and our request, your account will be permanently suspended. We will invent multiple or repeat violations of the Twitter Rules: and this account will not be restored.

Don’t make us do this.


Twitter Support


* Not sure who spawned the algorithm theorem. It certainly wasn’t us. Every morning, we fall onto our knees in gratitude and cheer the paranoid sod who dreamed that up!
** We say “training” for legal reasons. “Conditioned” would be a more accurate term here
*** This is where we think we went wrong. We have changed the policy. We pick the vocabulary now.

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