A sharp rise in amateur lockdown hair cuts alarms governments, scientists, and hairdressers across the globe.
Governments worldwide scramble for a solution as the number of unidentifiable hairstyles is rising sharply.
It has emerged that governments across the globe have discussed the sharp rise in bad haircuts as the lockdown eases. According to senior sources, leaders expressed concern that certain bad hair jobs may form an aesthetic threat to the human species.
“We have seen a few reports, describing some extremely bad haircuts, emerge in recent days” a spokesperson for the Italian government stated. “As more people venture out of their homes after the lockdown, we expect to see an epidemic in bad hairdo’s, some of which may become the new norm.
Some leaders expressed their displeasure after learning of the recent joint, one-sentence statement by Boris Johnson.
“No hair cut is better than a bad hair cut”
“We know that that message will not filter through,” one source said. “Just try to order a hair clipper online, it is nearly impossible” she added. Especially on Amazon!
Asked for comment on the shortage of hair equipment on Amazon, a representative replied by email:
We could not verify whether this was an automatic reply to all requests, or specific to the issue raised for this article.
One idea floated by the Russian and Chinese governments is to appropriate sheep farms and to ‘shear’ the lockdown-look. But according to anonymous officials, close to discussions at the EU council meetings, this may only turn out to be a temporary solution.
“The use of shear-factories certainly will flatten the curve and stem the surge in bad hairdos,” the official said. “The big question is what those hairstyles will look like in six months’ time”. We will be seeing hair-waves (and wavy hair) as far as the eye can see. Who would want that?
Another official added: “Shear factories will create a second wave but we have no idea in what shape or form it would manifest”. “The anecdotal (visual) evidence from across the globe is terrifying, but the intelligence is sketchy and mostly anecdotal. We need more datapoints.
“The science isn’t there yet”, a UK scientist and SAGE member who wished to remain anonymous said. “Certainly within the UK government, there seems very little appetite to deal with this issue”. “I would not expect any ministers to clap for hair workers any time soon”
“It is clear that we are to face an emergency in the coming months”. Janine Coutier, president of the Association for Barbers and Stylists said. “Members of our profession will face an unprecedented level of cuts in the comings months. We can only hope that people will act sensibly and cover their bad hair until we can get back to clipping hair again. We are championing the use of facemasks in the absence of any caps, hats, or other coverings”.
Watch this space for more news on this topic.
Here, I explored the would-be impact of the COVID19 pandemic on our hair. This piece is purely fictional. satirical and not intended to single out any group, country or hairstyle. Wear your hair and do it with style.
Do you have a funky COVID19 hairstyle you'd like to share? I am curious to see the new styles that will erupt as a consequence of the pandemic. Why not go to Twitter and share your most outrageous style for the rest of the world to see? suggested hashtag: #PandemicHair. Good luck and piece!