Do you feel like your relationship is getting boring with time? If so, you’re not alone. A lot of couples go through a slump at some point in their long-term relationships. Whether they’re overwhelmed by stress, or just going through a natural shift, getting the spark back is of key importance. Find your passion again and work to bridge the divides that are drifting you apart.
Why your relationship gets less exciting over time.
If your relationship is lacking in passion and excitement, it’s not necessarily a sign that things have come to a disastrous end. All long-term relationships hit this wall at some point, when we find ourselves bored in the mix of a comfortable flow. For you and your partner to pick up the pieces, you first need to acknowledge what is happening and why.
Loss of shared interests
How much do you and your partner still have in common? It’s pretty normal for us to lose some of our shared interests. Maybe you bonded over the same kind of music, or the same style of dress.
But maybe that fades with time. That’s natural. We all grow up and change.
The things we enjoy changes with time. Our beliefs and behaviors can change too. As we find less in common with one another, we can spend less time together and finding less excitement in one another.
Natural drifts occur. Unless we find alternative places to stitch ourselves back together, we’ll separate until there’s nothing left.
Find some common ground again. Don’t base your entire relationship around these similarities, but lean into them often enough to form a strong and stable bond. Having a few common places we can retreat to enables us to build comfort and trust. As old interests are shed, find new ones you can enjoy together.
Totally natural shifts
Like it or not, we all grow apart over the course of our relationships. These intimate connections are a series of ebbs and flows. Our love is a tide; always going out and coming back in. There are natural shifts to every relationship.
While you are close in the beginning, it’s not uncommon to experience a loss of personal relating over time. Things lose excitement as we begin to change and focus on different things. If you’re lucky, though, it will all come back together thanks to your common dreams.
Leaving the spark behind
Do you feel like the spark has left your relationship entirely? This passion won’t linger forever — especially if you and your partner aren’t doing anything to nourish it. Our attraction and our excitement has to be nourished.
Relationships are living things, not unlike gardens, and you have to work to keep it working. Make sure you’re doing exciting things and keeping yourselves interested and engaged as individuals.
If you and your partner have a bad habit of ignoring the issues, you may deal with a lot of resentment. It’s hard to stay excited about your relationship when you resent the other person in it.
Dealing with issues and upsets had to be top priority if you’re really determined to keep your love alive. Don’t sit on conflict. Get everything out in the open and face it like partners.
Getting too comfortable
Comfort is a big part of being in the right relationship. But there is definitely such a thing as getting “too comfortable” in your relationships. If you or your other half stop taking care of yourselves, it can create a lot of barriers to intimacy and to self-esteem.
Excitement doesn’t thrive in the relationship where one or both partners have given up. No matter how long you’ve been together, we still desire partners who desire us (and themselves).
Your relationship is healthier when you are fulfilled and your partner is fulfilled. Don’t let yourselves slide on autopilot.
Let’s face it, intimacy is a big part of a romantic relationship. We (generally) crave sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy from the people we build our lives with.
When that slips, it’s easy to see the enormous problems looming in the background.
That’s often the cause behind the loss of spark in couples. Failing to connect on these deeper, more vulnerable levels, they can slip away from one another and grow emotionally distant or guarded.
When your intimacy drifts, it’s crucial that you and your partner address the underlying issues. Are you growing resentful? Shy about your body?
Uncertain of your performance or your partner’s intentions? Sit down and talk it out. The only way out is through the discomfort.
The merging trap
Have you and your partner become victims of the merging trap? There’s no escaping the boredom that comes from the fully merged lives. When we have all the same friends, all the same experiences, all the same interests and desires — it’s boring.
No one really wants to be with someone just like them all the time (not even a narcissist).
Avoid becoming one person trapped in two bodies. Seek instead to be two wholly realized individuals who have their own fulfilling lives outside of the relationship.
Don’t erase yourself for someone else. Don’t sacrifice your life or give up on the things that fuel your passion. You and your partner need to have a fire from within to maintain the spark of your partnership externally.
Feed your soul so that you can show up and create more soul in your relationship.
How to get the spark back…
There are several simple changes we can make to ensure happier, healthier, and more exciting relationships that last. Do you want more stability in your partnership? You must both be honest and get proactive about making changes that matter.
Start listening to your emotions on an individual level so that you can figure out your emotions on a partnership level. Once you’re clear on how you feel and what you want, you can fully express those things to your partner and make room for them to do the same.
Communicate with intention and carve out regular blocks of time in which you can put the heavy things on the table without a need for drama or conflict. Focusing on communication, our partnerships are more likely to avoid fractures.
Create fresh memories together and don’t forget to reaffirm your love through regular bouts of fun. Address your aggravations with one another upfront and don’t wait until resentment makes you avoid one another.
Beyond that, find your natural flow and stick to it. We don’t create love by forcing. We reignite our passion by finding our natural selves together again.
Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P., Bar-On, N., & Ein-Dor, T. (2010). The pushes and pulls of close relationships: Attachment insecurities and relational ambivalence. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 98(3), 450-468. doi: 10.1037/a0017366
© E.B. Johnson 2022