Has someone in your life become toxic or corrosive? Do they make you feel worse about yourself or the life you’re working hard to build? No one should make us feel powerless, drained, or insecure on the inside.
Unfortunately, some relationships (with family, friends, and even our partners) become just that. When that’s the case, we have to take action and make proactive moves in the name of our happiness. More specifically, we often have to make the hard choice to go no-contact.
The 5 key steps of going no-contact with a loved one.
While everyone’s journey is different, there are 5 key steps we have to take when going no-contact with someone forever. First, look at your relationship for what it really is and how it’s really affecting you. Then you can lean into your rightful anger, make a plan, and move in the name of your safety and your happiness.
Root yourself in reality
There’s no going no-contact without first accepting the reality of your situation. Sometimes, that’s the only option that we have. As painful as it is. You need to come to that result at the end of exhausting all others, however. For no-contact to work, you need to know that there’re doors left to open.
Root yourself in reality. See the abuse, the manipulation, the hurt for what it is.You’ve tried to talk it out. You’ve done therapy. Tried to change yourself. It’s time for you to see reality (and the people in it) for what it is.
They will not change, and you shouldn’t have to. Roads end sometimes, and that includes the roads we take with siblings, parents, friends, and even our partners (or children). Accepting that reality will only strengthen you. Strong enough to travel the hard road of what comes next.
Tap into your Divine Rage
Even accepting reality alone is not enough. This inflicts a lot of pain, and in that pain there’s a lot of shame and longing for the fantasies of what never was. It can feel like we’re drowning sometimes. We need a bridge to get across this river of hurt, and that’s where Divine Rage becomes our superpower.
You have a right to be angry about what’s happened to you. You have a right to be angry at the fact that you’ve been left with no other choice but to cut off someone you love so much.
Get angry about it. Get upset. Open that door that all the gurus have told you to keep closed and let the rage come out. Channel it into positive outlets for yourself, but let it scorch the earth where it needs to scorch the earth.
This divine, bridge-burning energy has been celebrated since the ancient world. It is an inherent power of self-justice that we all possess within us. Instead of turning our backs on it, we have to turn on the taps to this fount of Divine Rage. It will protect us and move us to places we never could have imagined.
Make a realistic plan
Now that you are rightfully angry and clear on the reality of your relationship, you are empowered to sit down and make a realistic plan of escape. Going no-contact is an all-in one move, but we don’t come to it as the result of one spontaneous action or decision.
Sit down and plan out what comes next. If you’re going to cut ties with family, how are you going to replace their presence or support in your life? You need to know how you’ll financially, materially, and emotionally support yourself.
Enlist the help of trusted, chosen family who see you and celebrate you for the person who you are. Take your time realizing this plan and the small, separate steps you need to take in order to cut this toxic person out of your life entirely.
Don’t think you’re going to hang up the phone and disappear into the darkness. There’s a gradual buildup and emotional detachment that’s needed in these situations. Break each step down into the smallest possible steps and act only when you’re mentally, emotionally, and financially stable enough to do it.
Communicate your intention
With your plan ready to act, now you can communicate your intentions to the toxic person in your life and make your split. This is, in practice, the hardest part of the entire process. It can be an important one, though, for those who need some type of closure before they walk away.
Do whatever feels appropriate for you. Write a letter. Write a text. Take them to dinner. Send them an edible arrangement with a card. It really doesn’t matter how you say your goodbyes. Allow yourself to say anything you would regret keeping buried on your deathbed.
It’s important to note, however, (for the Negative Nancys out there) that this step isn’t applicable for everyone. For those in especially dangerous or abusive situations, the most important step is often just getting yourself to the next step — breaking free and taking a leap of faith in yourself.
Take a leap of self-faith
At the end of the day, going no-contact is a passive form of action. You’ve got to take a leap of faith in yourself and cut ties. Stop answering calls, text messages. Don’t show up for family dinners or big events where your mental and emotional wellbeing might be compromised.
It’s going to hurt. For a while, it’s going to hurt every day. When Christmas comes around, you’re going to long for them. Birthdays, major holidays, all of it is going to come with a certain sorrow that no one else around you will understand.
But it’s worth it for the safety of building your own life. It’s worth having the freedom to break out of your shame and self-destruction pattern. You deserve to be happy, but that can’t always be done with toxic black holes in your life.
Believe in your ability to make it without them.
Putting it all together…
Giving a permanent goodbye to someone we love deeply isn’t easy, but it’s often the only choice we have to make. Sometimes, family, friends, and even our children and romantic partners are more toxic for us than we can handle.
In those moments, it’s up to us to make the right choice and take the right action. It’s not your fault. It never was. Some relationships can’t work out — and they’re not supposed to. Don’t beat yourself up or punish yourself in grief and in shame.
Look at the reality, how it’s affecting you, and the incredible future you could have. Lean into your Divine Rage, communicate your intentions (if it’s safe), and take a leap of faith in the name of your needs and your happiness.
This is the sign you have been waiting for. There is a community of love and understanding out there ready to embrace you, but you have to fall into their arms. Take that step off the cliff and give yourself the freedom to be happy now and forever.
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