Getting our hearts broken is one of the worst pains to experience. It’s a unique type of betrayal and one that leaves a scar. That scar follows us into every other relationship we build, and can prevent us from fully loving and showing up for our partners. For us to build meaningful relationships on the other side of heartbreak, we have to break out of the pain that burns us out and embrace a new, and better, way of connecting in love and in passion.
Building meaningful relationships after heartbreak.
While it might seem impossible, you can still find that true and lasting love after a major heartbreak. Did the person you love desert you? Did your soulmate fail you, your family, your children? The right partner is still out there, and they’re waiting for you to open the door to them.
Clarify your needs and desires
Before you can let in that meaningful and desirous partnership that you crave, you must get clear on what that relationship (and that person) looks like. Too many people get bogged down in the standards and demands of society here, and that keeps them falling back into patterns that make them miserable.
Before you involve anyone else in the chaos of your reconstruction, make sure you’re clear on what a happy and functioning relationship looks like for you. Think about how you want to feel, and how you want the practicalities of the day-to-day to work, too.
How do you need your partner to show up for you? How are you willing to show up for them? What kind of life do you want to live together, and how can you each complement that life for one another? If you want a big family, chasing a playboy isn’t the best option. If you seek a big career, you may need a partner who is open-minded and willing to support those long hours.
Never leap into love before you know what you want. Shooting in the dark may work somewhere else in your life, but it doesn’t work in love. Sit down, write it out. Meditate on it. Spend your time and stay focused until the vision is so real you could touch it.
Take time building foundations
Once you have found the person you’re ready to try again for, you are tempted to put your foot on the gas. You want more, more, more of a good thing. It makes sense. But rushing prevents you from building the foundations you need to make a real and lasting partnership.
Instead of trying to rush yourselves across some imaginary finish line, take your time getting to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you really mean forever, then you have plenty of time to get it right. Don’t rush unless you want to rush headlong into another heartbreak and disaster.
Never compromise what matters
Compromise is another big factor that has to be considered for a winning relationship. Of course, we all have to give a little on certain things, in order for us to complement one another. There are some lines that can’t be crossed, however, and some expectations which cannot be left unmet.
Know where you can give and know what is inappropriate to give in on. Sure, you and your partner can compromise on where you live, or how you decorate your homes. But you can’t compromise on things like wanting children vs. not wanting children.
When you meet someone who is unwilling to give, or who demands that you push your needs aside — be willing to walk away in the name of your true happiness. It’s a sign that something isn’t right. In the end, neither of you will get what you want or need.
Ensure goals are truly aligned
I used to have a friend whose mother gave great relationship advice. Once, I asked her how she and her husband had been able to remain married (as high school sweethearts) for over 30 years.
“Oh, that’s easy. We want the same things from life. We’re working toward the same things. Always have been.”
Strangely, it was like a lightning bolt had gone off in my brain. It made so much sense. And I only entered relationships based on that premise moving forward.
Because the truth was that she was right. It doesn’t matter if we like the same food or the same movie franchise. What really matters is whether we want the same things from life. Picking partners moving forward make sure these things are aligned.
Do you both want children? How do you want to bring those children into your family? What about careers? If they want a big career, do you want something that complements it? Do you want to travel? Do you want money? Material success? A simple life? A big move across the country? Line up your core goals and the rest will make sense.
Keep fun at the heart of it all
A loving relationship can’t long withstand the overbearing pressure of suffering and hardship. There has to be some levity, or you’ll both end up resenting one another. Meaningful relationships understand the value of fun, and they seek to incorporate them into day-to-day life.
Remember to laugh. Remember to have fun with one another and to break the pace when things get tough. You can’t bury your heads in the sand and expect to see each other on the other side. Love doesn’t work that way.
Your partnerships need to be nourished and nurtured, and that involves having fun and infusing them with joy. Don’t sleep on this part of your partnership. Create joyful and laughter filled memories that can be the glue between you when obstacles get in the way.
Putting it all together…
It’s no simple thing to rebuild our sense of love after surviving major heartbreak. Whether your last partner left you, pushed you over the line — that failure hurts, and it teaches us not to trust ourselves or others.
A lack of trust won’t bring us to the shores of love, though. To stand in the light of that passion and connection we desire, we have to find the strength to start over; the strength to go after what we want.
Be clear on your needs and stand up for what you really need in your relationships. Take your time and build foundations slow so you can come to the table with someone you trust to hold your heart safely in your hands.
Don’t give up. True love is out there and it’s waiting. Dig deep. Realize everything you are and everything you’re worth. Now, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Love is waiting for you. Take a step into the wide blue open and reach for it.