Although it can be one of the most painful things to admit, the people we love aren’t always honest with us about their feelings. Even if we care for them more than we care for ourselves, that doesn’t always mean they want to stay or that they want to build a life with us. It’s important to be honest with yourself when it feels like something isn’t right. Though your partner might say they want to be with you, there are some concrete warning signs that can reveal that they might be leading you on.
It’s important to be honest.
Though some partners will do their best to conceal difficult thoughts and feelings, it’s impossible to hide the truth for long in any relationship. It’s impossible to be fully present with someone we don’t want to be with, and it’s impossible to live forever ignorant of the fact that we aren’t receiving the love we want in return. Honesty is inescapable, and for that reason it’s best to embrace the truth sooner, rather than later, so that we can get serious about building relationships that work.
You have to stop running away from those nagging feelings and start embracing the truth. A partner who avoids you, or who goes missing for days at a time, isn’t someone who’s looking out compassionately for your best interests.
Embrace the warning signs that you’re giving your affection to someone who isn’t returning it in the way that they should. Look out for lies, deceptions and excuses, and start living with a little self-respect. You deserve to have a partner that loves you as deeply as you love them. You also deserve to have a partner who loves you in the ways in which you need to be loved. Stop settling for someone who isn’t telling you the truth and be proactive about building a partnership you can be proud of.
The telling signs they don't want to be with you anymore.
Although someone might say the right things, there are a number of warning signs that can indicate that they don’t really want to be with us as much as they claim to. Whether you’re in a long-term partnership, that’s gone cold, or you’re just setting out with someone who makes your heart go silly — lookout for these signs as an indication that they don’t really want to be with you.
Missing in action
Does the person that you care for frequently go missing with no explanation? While every relationship has its own unique requirements when it comes to space and distance, it’s not normal to go days and weeks at a time without hearing from your partner. When we truly care for someone, we want to hear from them and we want to check in on them — even if we’re separated by time and a considerable distance. If your partner is regularly MIA, it’s time to question how they really feel about you and your feelings.
When it comes to truly loving someone, we combine our words with action to demonstrate the affection that we hold for them. A partner who is concealing their true feelings for you will lack the follow-through of action, however. They might tell you how much they care for you, but they don’t show that through action or affection of any nature. Their “I love you’s” are empty.
Inability to open up
Sharing and communication are important, and they help us to bond and to find the mutual connections that allow us to overcome life’s hardships together. When someone is lying about their feelings for you, however, they don’t let you see the real them on any core level; your relationship stays superficial and never extends into any real connection or building of memories. They refuse to open up, and that’s because (if they did) you’d see the truth.
Caught up in lies
Partners that aren’t being honest can come up with a lot of stories that bridge any gaps they might have left with their lies. That’s particularly true when it comes to sharing stories and information about ourselves. If a lying partner does open up to you, it might seem like their stories don’t make sense. This can occur for a couple of reasons: 1) they don’t want you to know what they’re really up to or with who, and 2) they don’t care for you to know anything real about them.
Shift in language
Look at the body language of the person that you’re dealing with. When you see one another or spend time together, what does their body language say? Couples in love are couples who want to be close, and often they want to be physically affectionate too. Closed-off body language, though, can be a sign that your partner isn’t as open or as desirous as you are. Look for crossed arms, a lot of physical space, and little to zero physical affection of any kind (hand-holding, hugging, etc).
Does your partner constantly avoid talking about the future? Or do they avoid spending time with you altogether? When we truly love someone, we do things like daydream about our futures and crave alone time together. These things are an important part of bonding and building lives together, and they indicate passion and a desire to open up to one another. Avoidance, however, can be a sign that our partner doesn’t want those things.
Intimacy is critical to our partnerships, and that includes both physical and emotional intimacy. Have you noticed that your partner has pulled away from you? Or that they don’t feel opening up to you on a sexual or even an emotional level, it can be an important indication that their heart isn’t in the same place as ours. It can also mean that they just don’t see the same long-term vision for the relationship.
There is undeniable proof that someone doesn’t truly want to be with you, but there are some that turn their back to this evidence (in a desperate ploy to stay with someone who doesn’t feel the same). Things like constant lies, infidelity or even mentioning things like “moving on” or “finding someone else” all mean that your partner isn’t satisfied where they’re at. When this undeniable proof isn’t embraced it can lead to serious heartbreak.
What you need to do next.
You don’t have to stick around with someone who doesn’t return the same level of affection. If you’ve found yourself with a partner who doesn’t feel the same, these are the steps you can take to safeguard your happiness.
1. Consider your perspective
The first step in dealing with a partner (or potential partner) that isn’t being truthful about their feelings is to get some perspective on your own feelings. Every relationship goes through levels of ebb and flow, and we can often lose sight of our own long-term vision while dealing with that. Before you confront someone or question their intentions, question your own. Are you where you truly want to be in your intimate life?
Give yourself a time out and use that time to figure out where you’re at in the relationship. Do this on your own and for yourself. Then, take a step back and figure out what you really need from a partnership in order to make it feel as though it’s a fulfilling part of your future.
Once you know what you want and (precisely) how you feel, you can open up a dialogue with the other person and get realistic about what needs to be shifted. Have a clear vision and don’t allow that vision to be compromised for someone that you’re unsure about. Figure out where you’re at and what you want, so you can see who you’re dealing with openly and honestly. Don’t shy away from the truth. Brutal honesty is key here.
2. Open an honest dialogue
Like it or not, the only way to address our issues is to confront them openly and honestly. This includes our relationships and any potential partner that isn’t really being truthful about their feelings for us. If you think the person that you care for doesn’t feel the same, then you need to express those feelings and press them for genuine answers on their own intentions.
Sit down and have a frank and candid conversation, in which both parties are safe to share how they feel and how they want to proceed. Express what your needs are and don’t allow them to be talked down or diminished. Tell your partner that you have doubts, then speak very matter-of-factly to those doubts.
Give them specific examples of times in which their behavior has given you license to doubt that they care for you in the ways they have previously promised. Look for excuses and look for justifications that are one-sided or just don’t add up. Don’t shy away from confrontation where your feelings are concerned. Ask them how they really feel and demand an honest answer.
3. Turn down excuses
We stay with people that don’t love us because we accept their excuses. It’s never really a surprise when we realize the person we’re falling for isn’t quite there. Yet, we react with heartbreak and shock. This is because we lean into the delusion and we allow ourselves to believe excuses and justifications that we know aren’t true. You have to make the conscious choice to stop allowing the lies to stand where actions prove truth.
See the “I love you’s” and “You’re my everything’s” for what they truly are when they stand in contrast to someone who lies to you, disappears, or hurts you. Stop allowing lies to be the substitute for intimacy and affection you are so desperately craving.
You cannot control what someone else does. Nor can you control how they think or behave in relation to you. What you can do, however, is to control the way you react and interact with them. Let them spin their webs, but stop taking their lies on for yourself. Leave them to their half-truths and begin to see the excuses for the emotional manipulation that it truly is. Drop the excuses and make it clear that you expect (and demand) honesty from your partners.
4. Rely on self-respect
Refusing excuses is only a part of the battle. Once you’ve made it clear that you won’t accept lies and subterfuge, it’s important that you assert your self-respect. Stop waiting around for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. Refuse to be a second choice and make yourself the first choice. Cut the ties and move away from this person who doesn’t really love you so that you can meet someone who does.
Don’t be afraid to walk away from someone who is willing to waste your time and energy for their own selfish needs. Whether they are doing it to protect their feelings, or they’re doing it out of malice — it doesn’t matter.
At the end of the day, someone who doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t want to be with you. It’s in the best interest of both parties to walk away and find the people that are better suited to your needs. Respect yourself and stop leaning into delusion when the answers are right in front of your face. Cut the ties and make it clear that you love yourself more than hanging around for someone who is wasting your time and affection.
5. Take time to rebuild
We fall for people that don’t love us because we don’t love ourselves. Until you learn how to see the value and the beauty that you hold, you’ll continue to take advantage of the fact that you have no idea what you’re worth. Once you know you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t really love you, you have to let them go and refocus on rebuilding who you are from the insideout.
Fall in love with you. Stop looking for love and validation from other people and understand that you alone are the only person on this planet who can make you feel like you’re worth it.
Refocus on those things in your life which inspire passion and instill meaning. Stop chasing people and start chasing the purpose of your life. Reconnect with your support network and redefine who you are and what you want to do with your life. We are not validated by the love other people give us. We are validated by the love we build from within. Stop looking outward for what you should be creating inwardly.
Putting it all together…
When we love someone, it can be hard to stomach the idea that they don’t reciprocate that affection. New relationships are exciting and exhilarating, but they can also blind us to some harsh realities and truths. No matter how much you might care for someone, it doesn’t guarantee that they truly feel the same. In those moments, it’s critical that we know how to spot the signs of someone who is lying about their feelings to us.
Figure out where you’re at and take a good hard look at what you really want from your life and your relationships. Only when you’re honest about what you need, can you bring their lies into better focus? Compare what you have against what you want and confront them about your doubts. Don’t accept their excuses. Don't accept the disappearing at all hours of the night, and don't accept the lies. Have some respect for yourself and cut the ties when it becomes clear that they don’t have the same investment as you. Life is entirely too short to waste our time with people who don’t have our best interests at heart. Refocus on your life and creating the future that you need to build in order to feel fulfilled and purposeful. The right person will come along when you stop allowing your life to be filled with all the wrong people.
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