And what you can do to make dating great again.
Photo by cottonbro on PexelsWhen I was in school and Valentine’s Day came, the boys used that day to declare their love to the girls, and I spent the day happy with a simple hug from my crush and a heart-shaped lollipop.
Dating at that time was much simpler and also much less complex for me. The internet and social media weren’t a factor, dating apps didn’t exist and there were gender roles, we knew what we “had” to do.
Currently, things are endlessly more complicated and frustrating. I give more importance to other factors than just love, like how much time I need to wait to answer a message or if he is coming in his car to pick me up.
I general, I become more demanding with others, and I’m afraid to show my real personality in the first moment.
Love should not be so complicated, and we should not let external factors determine how we should act with someone. I will tell you why dating is so complicated for me, and how we can fix it.
We compete who can care least.
Once, I dated a guy who tried so hard to let me know he didn’t care to be close to me that it was ridiculous. He stopped answering me when he felt we were getting closer, and he tried not to last long with me to avoid getting affectionate.
He ended up telling me that he doesn’t like to give much love because he was afraid to get hurt. So I tried to show him that it would be different with me.
He never felt that he would be at peace with me. Because it is not about how much we show him that they can trust us, but that he can fix his psychological problems.
Doing that, guys only moved away from the people who genuinely loved him. In the end, saying that someone hurt you at school is a stupid excuse to believe that you can treat someone badly because you don’t want to “suffer.”
What you can do instead
If you are going through this problem, don’t waste your 20 somethings trying to be a good woman to a man who swears he is fighting demons cause he got his heart broke back in middle school.
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
― Ernest Hemingway, Men Without Women
Life is too short to waste it on someone who is not sure to give 100% to make things work. If someone doesn’t want to do their best, don’t expect he will change if you show them your love. You can’t change others by loving them harder.
We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter.
We rather ghost than end things normally.
The last date I had before my current partner was with an old childhood friend. We decided to go eat something together and then we went to a bar. In general, we had an incredible time.
After that appointment, we spoke around 3 or 4 times via WhatsApp, and we tried to coordinate another date, but our schedules were very busy at that time.
From one day to another, we just stopped talking. We stopped liking photos and tweets and just started pretending we never talked. One week later, I saw that he uploaded photos with his new girlfriend.
Honestly, I didn’t feel bad. I already knew that things were over when we stopped saying good morning. The problem is that “ghosting to end things” should not be considered normal.
We are so damaged that we believe that stopping talking is already a way of making the other understand that they do not want to continue. Because we are scared of communication and make the other feel bad.
What you can do instead
Ghosting, for me, is a cowardly way of doing things. It’s like you don’t have the courage and be honest with yourself and others. We have normalized a crap way of making it understood without making all the face-to-face processes.
If you are not sure if you are with someone, or if things were not as expected, do not waste their time. Tell him clearly what you feel, it will hurt for a moment, but it is the best decision you can make.
We are too strategic about our response.
I was having lunch with my best friend, she was telling me about that boy she met, and they were getting along really well.
When she was going to show me a photo, she received a message from him. She told me, “What bad luck, he just sent me a message, now I can’t enter the chat to show you the photo.”
When I asked her why she told me that he doesn’t usually answer him at once, so he doesn’t think she is desperate.
The sad thing is that it wasn’t the first time I hear this phrase. People today feel that the response time has a lot to do with availability or being too “intense.”
What you can do instead
Cell phones and messaging applications exist precisely to be a means of instant communication. Just when technology gives us that privilege, we prefer to use it with utmost care.
“You can’t measure the mutual affection of two human beings by the number of words they exchange.”
― Milan Kundera
Instant messaging is instant for a reason. So you can reply right away not to withhold your responses to show how unattached or busy you are.
We expect perfection that doesn’t exist.
When I was a teenager, I dreamed of a perfect charming prince: someone who only had eyes for me, sweet, loving, and kind. Currently, not much has changed, but now I know that this prince also has their imperfections.
“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
We must understand that the perfect person does not exist. Instead of looking for a man or a woman who has all the qualities, look for one that you can love even with those little flaws.
The perfect man we see on social media also have their sins.
What you can do instead
Life is not a race. You don’t have to get yourself a partner before a certain time. As long as you are single, enjoy that moment and try to connect with yourself as best you can.
But if you feel like your expectations are too high, do a self-analysis of what you really want from someone else. Put on one side the things you want from someone and what you are willing to sacrifice.
We are becoming more comfortable with being alone.
Once I was in the office talking about our weekend, a coworker said that she went to watch a good movie, and she recommended it.
I told her that it would be difficult for me to watch it because my boyfriend would be busy that week. And she replied that she went alone.
Honestly, at first, I thought she was crazy. I had always seen the cinema as an experience of at least two people. I never imagined the idea of going alone to see a movie; I preferred not to go.
But after thinking about it many times, I decided to go alone. It turned out to be one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I concentrated on every detail of the movie and enjoyed my solitude.
After that, I even told my boyfriend that I didn’t want to go back to the movies with him as a joke.
And this is the question; we are normalizing being alone so much that we do not need anyone else to do what we enjoy.
This is not bad. But it makes dating a more difficult experience because we don’t want to damage that peace that produces us doing things alone.
What you can do instead
Being with a partner does not mean sacrificing the moments of peace that you had alone. If you don’t enjoy being with someone doing the same things you did alone, they are probably not the one.
When you start dating a person, take them to those places you liked while you were alone and explain why it is important to you; if they know how to respect that moment of silence with you, then it is worth it to keep knowing each other.
“If you like her, if she makes you happy, and if you feel like you know her, then don’t let her go.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle
We are more superficial.
Before our generations, love could do everything. My grandparents told me stories of how they met and decided to escape together without having jobs or studies, only the love they had.
Now, we tend to put our studies and our career ahead as a prerequisite.
Whenever I meet someone for the first time, I feel the obligation to pay for their dinner so he can see that I am an organized and independent woman.
I feel the obligation to impress with everything I have achieved in life because I am sure that simply my personality no longer impresses anyone.
After he sees that I work, I have a career, and I am a financially responsible person, then he decides to know my personality.
The same thing happens with women.
Around me, I see my friends saying that if he doesn’t have a car, or he doesn’t have his own company, it’s not worth it. One of my best friends even says one time that if the guy is still living with his mother, it is a waste of time.
We stop seeing people as possible soulmates and the same interest, to how much they can help us in the future.
What you can do instead
Try to get to know the person first. What are his tastes, what does he like to do on Friday night, or what are the values that govern his life?
F. Scott Fitzgerald says in one of his books:
“I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything.”
If their soul really connects with yours, then think about what they can do to build a future together. It is not about how much a person has, but how much they can achieve.
We don’t want to be responsible.
Sex is so available that we are afraid to commit. The millennial version of commitment is a relationship without formalism.
We are afraid of being in a stable relationship because we do not know if we really want. And instead of seeking help on how to improve this, we isolate ourselves and hurt others.
Having so many options available can make us want to take advantage of the time and be talking to many people at the same time.
This makes more speed dating, looking for that “perfection” instead of feeling and connecting with someone.
“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
― Tom Robbins
What you can do
If you are not sure if you want to be in a relationship, then explain your intentions to the person you knew from the beginning. Don’t waste anyone’s time.
If you’re not sure what you want, then don’t be with anyone until your thoughts are clear and you can be comfortable with yourself.
If you are with a partner but want to be alone and do not feel that you should be committed, then make things clear. I assure you that they will suffer less if you are clear now than if you start acting differently.
We normalize lying.
The people I have dated normalize lies so much that they don’t understand what they did wrong.
I once met a person who had many things in common. It looked like my male version. We had the same goals, the same vision of life, and the same ambitions.
Several months later, I discovered that he had a daughter. His excuse was that he wanted to meet me first and that he was very reserved with his personal life.
This wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t because he lied to me several times that he was single.
Through a screen, we have the possibility of being able to deceive, to give a false image, to show something that we are not, and to play with the feelings of the other person.
And this can lead to frustration and disappointment. I have many friends who do not want to go out with anyone again because of those experiences of meeting people online.
What you can do instead
Honestly, it is very difficult to make someone else not lie to you. But you can be as sincere as you can that others do not want to lie to you.
If, in the end, he decides to do it anyway, you will have a clear conscience that at least you did give your best.
We think that upload a picture is proof of love.
Jaime and Raquel, two famous journalists from my country, started a romance that everyone was waiting for. There were rumors in all the magazines, and it was a matter of time for them to speak officially.
One day, Jaime uploaded a photo of them together holding hands on his Instagram.
Later, in an interview, she confessed that it was there that she understood that their romance was serious and that this was the greatest proof of her love.
Yes, you are reading right, an Instagram picture.
We are so involved in seeing perfect couples on social media that we believe that we must be like them to be happy.
In fact, many times, I believed that my ex-partner did not really love me and that he was cheating on me with others for the simple fact that he did not like to upload photos of us.
Currently, I understand that a photo does not mean anything. I’m even happier not having to prove anything to anyone. But a lot of people still feel that a photo is proof of love.
What you can do
Stop thinking that social media is proof of love. Having passwords, access to his phone, or uploading photos with you is not proof of love. Even all those things won’t stop him from misbehaving later.
Focus on the things that are worth the other person and are really proof of love, such as their treatment, values, and desire to grow together.
Final thoughts
When I was younger, romantic relationships seemed so much simpler. If I liked someone, I would tell them, and if they felt the same, we would be together and make things work.
Most of us really don’t know what we want from a partner, and the perfect relationships we saw on the internet make us think that there is something wrong with us.
“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James A. Baldwin
The reality is that we are the ones who complicate ourselves. If we try to be simple again and focus on what really matters, we will not waste our time or others.
Comments / 0