Dreaming with My Son
I had a dream. It involved my husband and three children. In the dream, my children were still young—about 9, 8, and 7 years old. They looked just as they did back then. My oldest, Richie, who passed away, was just as curious and extroverted. My daughter with her big sweet cheeks and a tremendous appetite; and my youngest was his loving and hyper self. I do not remember what the dream really was about. All I remember was that we were happy to be together and that my husband and I enjoyed watching our children run around, play, and come running to us with big hugs and kisses.
Even though I enjoyed my dream and was happy, I realized it was just a memory, a beautiful memory that will always live with me. My heart feels partially happy, but there is an inevitable, non-healing hole where sadness seeps through. The part that my son took with him when he left this world and that will never seal again.
Whenever I enjoy a moment of happiness, it becomes bittersweet because my thoughts always turn to, “If only my son could enjoy this,” or “My son would have liked that.” Sadness then follows and sits in my heart. I can not patch it up because nobody will ever be able to take his place. I know my two younger children and husband feel the same way. We only have our memories to live by. While many say that I should think of the good times we spent with my son, it does not mean that those memories will make us whole again because there is a missing link in our lives.
Since life goes on, we have fulfilled many dreams and had many enjoyable moments. Each one of us feels the pain of not having my son physically present in these moments, though we are aware he is spiritually present.
Yes, I had a dream last night that brought me happiness, but in the end, it also brought me sadness. My husband and I have concluded that it does not matter how long it’s been since his death, we will always grieve his loss. He will always remain in our hearts, and we will miss him forever.
Rest in peace, my son. Mom loves you.
Originally published in Debbie's Reflection on October 25, 2017.