When you’re in a new relationship, overlooking flaws is like second nature. And if you don’t overlook them, you make up some excuse to make yourself feel better about it.
For example, my ex was an overall crappy individual, and he failed to prioritize me and our relationship from the very beginning, but I told myself, “he just needs some time. He cares.”
This kind of thinking led me down to heartbreak, and honestly, if I could do it all over again, I would have left at the first sign of a red flag.
Alternatively, you could be in a long-term relationship that feels amazing, but deep down, you know you’re unhappy, and you know it’s not the right fit. You’re just so enamored that you can’t make yourself leave. I’ve been there too.
This is why I wanted to share a few things I personally overlooked in past relationships, and if any of this feels familiar, then maybe it’s time to take a step back and reassess whether it’s good for you or not.
It doesn’t feel like they care about you.
If you don’t reach out to them first, the two of you probably won’t talk all day.
If you don’t ask what their plans are for the weekend, you’ll end up seeing their Instagram story showing how much fun they’re having with their friends. You’ll wonder why they didn’t invite you.
And, when the two of you do finally see one another, it’s only because you took initiative; however, it honestly doesn’t even feel good to see them because they don’t ask how you’ve been, what you’ve been up to, in fact, they show absolutely zero interest in you or your life.
They disrespect every person in your life.
They don’t like your friends. They think they’re a bad influence. You parents? They’re not all that either, according to your partner.
The first guy I ever dated loathed everybody in my life. He made me cut ties with all of my friends, he made me believe my family didn’t care about me, and he would constantly talk about how great he was and what a great influence he was on me.
Overall, he just wanted me to think he was the only person I’d need in life.
This isn’t only a terrible situation to be in, but these are huge red flags that point to a controlling and toxic relationship.
There’s absolutely zero ability to compromise on their end.
They always get their way. It doesn’t matter how serious the situation is; they clearly only care about their own happiness.
They’re unwilling to compromise, and they’re unwilling to be understanding of anything you ask of them.
You’re their punching bag.
Even when you don’t do anything wrong, it’s still your fault. Their coffee from Starbucks was too hot, and they burned their tongue? Your fault.
Did they take a wrong turn driving? Your fault. You’re their punching bag for everything wrong in their life.
There’s little to no physical intimacy.
Sure, the two of you have sex, but it’s the only affection they give you if you would even call it that in the first place. There’s no true intimacy, no connection, no loving eyes staring down at you, no romantic gestures, nothing.
They don’t hold your hand in public; they don’t cuddle you when you’re watching TV; it almost feels like you’re invisible.
There’s no emotional intimacy.
They’re not open with you. They don’t share what they’re thinking or how they’re feeling — about anything.
This hurts a lot because you crave emotional intimacy. You want to sit in bed and talk to your person all night about your future or how you got annoyed at your coworker that day.
You want to connect, but it feels like they don’t even care.
They make you feel guilty about being happy.
You can’t share anything fun with them. You feel like if you say something about having fun at work or how someone paid for your coffee that day, they’ll get angry.
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells because not only do they get jealous over every tiny thing, but they also make you feel like crap for living your life and doing things that bring you joy.
My ex used to complain all the time whenever I’d be in a good mood, especially if I had just done something fun without him — it didn’t matter what it was.
Getting my nails done? “You’d rather waste your money on that than go somewhere with me?” Read at a cafe? “You want to read a stupid book and have guys come up and talk to you instead of being with me?”
Being with someone like this will only cause you grief and heartache. It’s not worth it. Someone who truly loves you will prioritize your happiness, and they won’t try to control every little thing you do.
They cancel on you. All. The. Time.
Every. Damn. Time.
You’re excited because you’re finally going on a date, just the two of you, but then they either cancel or cause a fight with you that ruins the memory of the night.
Something always goes wrong. They disappoint you each and every time you get excited to spend time with them.
There’s no romance. Or effort.
At the start of your relationship, things were romantic. You noticed how much effort they put into their appearance, how they sent you good morning texts without fail, sometimes flowers would show up out of nowhere.
Now you consider yourself lucky if they ask if you want a coffee when they get theirs.
Your relationship seems stale at this point. The books you read turn you on more than your partner. You watch old romantic movies to feel something.
You look at other couples with envy. You wish you were being swept off your feet. You wish you were being treated differently.
You feel stressed out daily because of them.
You wake up thinking, “today is going to be a great day.”
Shortly after, you feel this dread overwhelm you. You feel anxious. Not because of work, not because of finances or family issues, not because of anything, in particular, it’s actually your partner.
You’re wondering, “did they wake up in a good mood day? Will I get any of the good parts of them today?”
When your phone lights up, you don’t get a spark of excitement from knowing it’s your person texting you. Instead, you feel anxious. You’re worried about how they're going to treat you that day.
I’m not a relationship expert by any means, but I have been in quite a few miserable relationships that forced me to take a huge step back from dating and analyze things.
Learn to be more proactive about your relationship concerns and address the issues with your partner right away, or move on before it gets too hard.
While no relationship is ever going to be perfect, it’s not worth staying in a crappy relationship. Don’t spend your love and time with someone who makes you feel less than, or unworthy. You deserve more than what they’re giving you.
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