When you’re in love, it feels like the easiest thing on the planet to bypass the bad aspects of your relationship.
You overlook the flaws, red flags, and the things you once said you would never stand for suddenly become something you swallow on a frequent basis.
I’m in love, you say to your friends who tell you things aren’t looking good. It’ll get better; you tell yourself when you’re starting to feel frustrated.
You make excuses for your partner because you love them, and you know that deep down, they’re good. You know parts of them that others don’t. They act this way because of x, and I have to be understanding, you remind yourself.
You don’t want to throw away a perfectly good relationship because of a few hiccups. They’re not a bad partner; they just make mistakes.
I get it; I’ve been there. You’re so in love, and they seem so wonderful. You know there are a few things that you’re not exactly enthusiastic about, but you think you can help them get better. You can change them with a little bit of patience.
Here’s why this thinking is wrong and why it will harm you in the long run.
You’re lowering your standards.
You know what you’re worthy of, yet you’re settling for someone who is so far off from what you deserve.
A few years ago, I got into one of my first serious relationships. I was young, didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but I had a vague idea of love and connection that made me feel ready enough to consider getting serious.
When I thought about what I wanted in a partner, I knew I wanted them to be my best friend, someone I could share everything with, and in return, they would do the same. My standard was for my relationship to not only be romantic but an overall friendship, too.
I wanted to go grocery shopping with them, be goofy in the snack aisle and buy everything chocolate-related. We’d have movie nights and drink wine; we’d sample all of the chocolate we bought that day until our tummies ached.
The person I was with was the complete opposite of that, closed off and determined to leave me in the “girlfriend only” zone. His friends knew things about him that I didn’t know; he did things with them he never wanted to try with me. For example, they went on a snowboarding trip I wasn’t invited to. Or they went to the movies without mentioning it to me.
It was little things that I wanted to be part of but wasn’t because I was the girlfriend, and he wasn’t willing to include me in his friend group or think of me as a friend too.
Despite it being something I really wanted, I agreed to be on the outs. As a result, I felt lonely and frustrated because I felt like I was constantly giving up something that I desperately wanted.
The more you give up, the more you’re lowering your standards. Why give something up when you know you desperately want it? There are people out there that are more than happy to treat you the way you want to be treated.
If your current partner isn’t up for it, have a conversation before making any decisions. At the end of the day, life is far too short to settle.
You’re wasting your time.
It’s okay to give your partner the benefit of the doubt or forgive them when they make a mistake. However, when you feel like all you’re doing is forgiving, then you’re just wasting your time with someone who doesn’t respect you or your time.
A friend of mine dated someone who would constantly bail on her. They’d make dinner plans, and he would either show up late or not at all. His excuses ranged from my car broke down to baby, I had an appointment; please forgive me. In addition, he would show up wearing basketball shorts when the attire was formal.
And she forgave him every time, but in doing so, she let him walk all over her and let him treat her like dirt. She endured the lack of attention, the poor communication, and all of the excuses, and for what? An hour or two of dull conversation over a meal?
You stay with people who walk all over you because you think you won’t meet anybody who can treat you better, but isn’t anybody who understands the meaning of respect already better?
You’ll always be secretly unhappy.
My first boyfriend had drastically different religious views than I did. When I met him, I was instantly smitten. He reminded me of my father — arrogant, unavailable and handsome.
I went through a rebel phase during my teen years. My mom told me not to date him because of our religious differences. She had the same ones when she was married to my father. I told her it would be different, that he wasn’t like that, and that I cared for him.
In reality, I was always secretly unhappy. He was different, but not in a good way. He was deadset on his ways, unable to compromise even on the smallest of things, and I always felt like I was on the giving end of the relationship. I gave my time, my attention, my mind, and in return, I got nothing.
You might be happy on the surface in your relationship. You might be happy when you let mistakes, flaws, or even differences slide, but your love can’t be a blanket excuse for everything. If you feel a nagging inside of you, one that tells you this isn’t right, listen to it.
Someone who truly loves you and is right would never hurt you, even if it means confronting their own faults.
When you’re in love, it’s completely natural to only see the best in them. You focus on all of the beautiful aspects of their personality. When they tell you they’re bailing, you feel sad but immediately remind yourself how lucky you are to be with them in the first place.
What about them? Aren’t they lucky to be with you? Shouldn’t they go the extra mile for you too? Isn’t it supposed to be an equal partnership?
Stop making excuses for someone who doesn’t value you. Don’t ignore red flags. Don’t allow them to walk over you. When you feel frustrated, talk to them. Don’t swallow your hurt and let them repeat negative behaviors.
The most successful relationships are successful because they know how to communicate even when it’s hard to do so. If you feel like you’re spending more time excusing their behavior rather than actually developing your relationship, it’s time to reassess.
They’re not worth it.