The Secret to a Woman’s Heart? Play Hard to Get.

Dawn Bevier

See the guy in the picture? It's the opposite of what you should look like

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You guys. You poor single men who are looking for a woman. I feel sorry for you. Hundreds of women’s magazines boast articles such as how to attract a man’s attention, but you poor fellows just get left to fend for yourselves, don’t you?

Well, I’m going to give you some tips. And some hard truths about the way to a woman’s heart.

You don’t snag the woman you desire by bringing her roses and telling her she’s beautiful every other minute. You don’t call her or text her the night after a date to tell her how much of a wonderful time you had. You don’t tell her on the second date that she’s your dream girl, and you certainly don’t tell her she’s too good for you.

What should you do?

Play hard to get. And the women who tell you that’s not what they want? They’re lying.

For example, how many of your fantasies revolve around people you know who are attracted to you? Who gush over you? Who text you twenty times a day saying that they were thinking of you?

If you’re honest with yourself, not a lot.

You might instead fantasize about celebrities who are unattainable, beautiful co-workers who have only shown you platonic engagement, or complete strangers with whom you made small talk in the supermarket.

The same applies to women.

There’s something enticing to a woman about a little mystery concerning whether a guy is really “into them.”

A Men’s Health article entitled “Science Explains Why Playing Hard to Get Works In Your Favour” uses Dr. Rohini Raj to expound upon why this technique may work. She states, “Waiting for texts and communication that take forever can drive us crazy but weirdly attracts us more to the person playing games. Researchers call it ‘the uncertainty effect,’ that we’re more attracted to uncertainty.”

It’s true. The ambiguity excites us.

We love to wonder if that extended eye contact was just a fluke or something more intimate.

We love to wonder if your request to meet us after work to discuss a project is purely professional or an unspoken wish to spend time with us on a more personal level.

We love to wonder if your compliment on our outfit or our appearance was just a kind gesture or a sign of attraction.

Vice magazine’s article by Michelle Malia entitled “Playing Hard to Get is Effective, According to Psych Researchers” cites a study by psychologists Elliott Aronson and Darwyn Linder which concluded “[people will] be more attracted to someone who initially didn’t like [them] but whose affection [they] won, compared to someone who liked [them] right off the bat.”

At least initially, it is a fact that most women want to work a bit to get your attention. The chase is fun, at least for a while.

We love to go shopping and find outfits that we think will lure you from thinking about us as a “nice girl” into thinking about us as a “desirable woman.”

We love to come up with creative ways to get closer to you or come into contact with you more to see if you will give us more attention than normal or more “signals” that you might be interested in us.

More confirmation of this truth is found in The Telegraph’s article entitled “Science of Dating: Why Playing Hard to Get Only Works for Men.” The author cites research done by the University of Rochester where they had 112 undergraduates go on a thirty-minute date. They found that women were less attracted to a man who was overly friendly and engaging.

When looking for possible reasons for this phenomenon, they noted statements made by Professor Gurit Birnbaum, whose main research involves the complex nature of sexual attraction and romantic relationships.

Birnbaum stated a number of hypotheses, concluding that women may view these men as “desperate and therefore less physically appealing” or “vulnerable and less dominant.” She further states that “regardless of the reasons, perhaps men should slow down if their goal is to instill sexual desire.”

Whatever you do, just know that the “hard” version of this game does not work. Acting like a jerk and being rude and insensitive often have the opposite effect, making women feel insulted and insignificant.

The key is to be responsive and warm but in breaks and pauses, thus creating a little perplexity over how deep your interests go.

Show that you care, but leave a note of mystery concerning whether your level of desire is friendly or romantic.

A few ways to do this could be:

  • Cutting a great date just a little short.
  • Allowing yourself to get close physically to a person and establishing lingering eye contact but not immediately going in for more intense physical displays of affection such as kissing
  • Avoid “overloading” in-between time after dates or encounters with texts or calls.
  • Be a little inaccessible at times. You have a life, right? Gym? Time with the guys? Don’t stop everything to be at your love interest’s beck and call.

A Note on Date Fashion and General Appearance:

Be well-dressed but avoid overkill. A fresh haircut, a clean-shaven face when you normally carry a two-day shadow, a brand new suit, a bouquet of roses? Too much. Too soon. And be gentle on the cologne.

Strike a balance between being well-groomed and looking like you’re “trying too hard.”

These rules of fashion are really just a second layer of “uncertainty” as to your true feelings.

Of course, dress to suit the occasion, but wear something relaxed that is in accordance with the style you have already established.

One thing I personally find attractive is dichotomy — think intriguing opposites.

Know how that sexy librarian thing works to make your insides quiver with lust? That hint of leg and high heel with a pair of horn-rimmed glasses? What about the allure of a woman with a tight “business bun” and seductively red lips?

The same type of fantasies go on in a woman’s mind as well. Pair a nice suit with a bit of a “messy” haircut. Wear a hint of stubble with your well-pressed shirt and khakis.

Final Words

Guys, you got this. You can get the girl you’ve been dreaming of. You just don't let her know right away that you're crazy over her. Then, trust me, she'll be crazy for you. I promise.

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My goal is to provide you with thoughtful, informative, and inspirational content that may increase your productivity, relationships, and well-being.

Sanford, NC
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