If She Does These Things, She’s Not the One

Cynthia Bord

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Love is amazing. You have someone to make memories with and someone to lean on when life gets hard. So it’s hard to see through your emotions for signs that the person you’re in a relationship with isn’t the one you should spend the rest of your life with. People looking at a relationship from the outside in are able to see these signs though, and they are often a result of the woman not being “all in” in the relationship.

Relationships should be built between two individuals with their own lives, problems, and interests. But being a couple means bringing these things together and sharing memorable moments. In order to do that, both members of the relationship need to work with the other person to make them feel seen, secure and happy.

If she’s not afraid to lose you, then she isn’t the one. Someone who knows your value and how you can add to their lives won’t say things that can risk your position in it. If she says mean things to you, puts you down, or makes you feel unworthy, she isn’t the one. Not because of her actions, but what they ultimately mean. She doesn’t care if you recognize these bad actions for what they are and pick up and leave. If she’s not afraid of losing you and doesn’t watch her actions and her words, then she’s not the one because it’s a big risk to do things that can make them leave forever.

Anyone worth spending a lifetime with will do everything they can to keep you. They’ll show you they love you with the love language of their choice.

If she threatens you with leaving, the two of you don’t belong together. No one likes being in a relationship with someone with one foot out the door. If she threatens you with leaving, she has half a mind of how life would be without you by her side. Unfortunately, that might mean she sees herself happier or better without you than with.

Sometimes people aren’t a match. People find this out as much in the dating phase of the relationship as in the relationship itself. Some people are afraid of ending relationships or breaking up with the other person. Breaking up feels like a fundamental failure by the individual. But there are two people in a relationship and if it ends then it means there is a mismatch of wants and needs from both sides.

If she’s not happy to see you, she doesn’t like you. I am very stoic. It’s very on-brand. I rarely smile when I see the people I love. But do I get a rush of happiness when I see their face? Yes. After college, it’s hard to find time to see our loved ones. The few times a year I get to, it’s an amazing time to re-connect and catch each other up on our lives.

When you first see your significant other, they should probably also be happy to see you. If they’re not, it might mean that don’t just not like you, but actively dislike you.

Since growing up, I’ve found that relationships are not always rosy and lovely. Unfortunately, in some relationships, one person actively dislikes the other person but stays in the relationship with someone they don’t like because it’s easier to be with someone else than it is to be alone.

You deserve someone who is all in. This means that they do everything they can to keep you. If you feel like you’re traveling in a tandem bike and you’re the only one doing all of the work then the only thing you can do is pedal harder and hope that somewhere along the way they start pulling their weight or getting off the tandem bike where you are taking on t=double the workload, find your single-rider bike and make some good time.

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writer on love, tech, and politics, lover of coffee and petter of dogs

New York, NY
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