Learning about your partner is a lifelong process. No matter how long you’ve been together, you can never fully know another person. Thinking that you know them inside and out can actually damage your relationships. You might be filling in the blanks with your assumptions.
Curiosity is an important part of building trust and intimacy in relationships. The following questions were taken from a variety of sources including a study on increasing intimacy, funny questions to ask on a first date, a Gottman Institute blog post on building relationships, and a blog post from relationship experts about questions to ask your dating partner.
No matter how long you’ve been together, icebreakers can be used to dive deeper into conversations about your partner, yourself, and how you both think about the world around you. Here are a few examples of ways to break the ice. Instead of endlessly scrolling through streaming services on your next date-night-in, ask one of these questions.
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- If you had to give a TED Talk on any subject without preparation, what would it be?
- What’s the most stereotypical trait of your Zodiac sign that’s actually true for you?
- If you had a hot tub time machine, what’s the one fashion trend you’d go back and tell yourself to skip?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- What’s the most recent adventurous thing you did?
- What’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you on a date?
- What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard (or used)?
- What would be your job during an apocalypse?
- What is your favorite book?
- What is your favorite movie?
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
- Would you still work if you won the lottery, or would you quit immediately?
Light Questions to Learn More About Each Other
Stay curious. Assuming you know everything there is to know could damage your relationship and prevent deeper intimacy. Try these light questions to get to know each other better.
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- What are three things you and your partner appear to have in common?
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- What’s the story of your life — — in four minutes or less with as much detail as possible?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- How do you feel about work now and how do you see it changing in the future?
- What are your hopes and dreams when it comes to money?
- If you could only have one social media app, which one are you choosing and why?
Intimacy doesn’t just develop by collecting facts about each other. Are you willing to be vulnerable and to hold space for your partner’s vulnerability? That’s what it will take to know — and love — your person better.
Being vulnerable requires bravery. While it might be easy to simply give a token answer and move along, the following questions require more thought and consideration. It’s completely okay to say that you aren’t comfortable with a particular question and why, but if you’re brave enough to dive into some of these questions with honesty and emotion, you could find that it helps you and your partner better understand each other.
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- How are you feeling about our relationship today?
- How would you complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”?
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- What words or actions do you find personally triggering to you?
- What is the nerdiest thing about you?
- What’s one thing about you that is totally basic?
- What is your favorite weird food combination?
Of course, it doesn’t have to be completely serious. Enjoy asking the following questions for a light-hearted take on your partner’s character. Laughter isn’t just the best medicine; it, too, can build stronger relationships.
- Have you ever had a crush on a cartoon character, and who was it?
- Does pineapple belong on pizza?
- Who was your first celebrity crush?
- What’s the worst fashion trend you’ve ever participated in?
- Have you ever participated in a flash mob or other social media challenge?
- What’s the most random and/or embarrassing thing you’re afraid of?
- What was your worst or weirdest first date?
- What’s the weirdest gift you’ve ever received or given?
- What movie can you quote all the lines from?
- What job are you totally unqualified for that you think you would still be good at?
- What’s the most embarrassing song on your playlist?
- What’s your absolute favorite meme?
- What song would you sing at karaoke if you absolutely had to participate?
- What’s the best (and worst) Halloween costume you’ve ever worn?
- Which character on Schitt’s Creek speaks to you the most, spiritually?
- What book do you say you’ve read but have never actually picked up?
- If you had to live with one ex for the rest of your life, which one would it be? If it’s absolutely none of them, how would you fake your death and where would you go?
- What Taylor Swift era are you in if you had to pick one?
- What celebrity couple is your favorite? Which one is your least favorite?
- What emoji best describes you if you could only pick one?
- What emoji do you irrationally hate and never use?
- If your pet gave you a name, what would it be?
- What do you actually do for a living vs what people think you actually do?
- Who would be the best and worst coworkers to be stuck in an elevator with for a day?
- What theme song should play when you walk into work or school?
Questions About Their Childhood
Childhood isn’t just the past history of the ones we love. It impacts how they think, believe, and behave — whether they realize it or not. Take a deep dive into their history to solve the mystery of why they are the way they are now.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
- How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy?
- Which Breakfast Club character were you most like in high school?
- What was your favorite show as a kid?
- What was your favorite show as a teenager?
- What was your first concert and your best concert?
- What TV show best describes your family dynamic?
- What three words would your parent/guardian use to describe you?
- What posters were on your walls as a teenager?
- Who is the craziest member of your family?
- How was conflict handled in your family growing up?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- What is your worst memory?
- How did you like to play as a child?
- What is the weirdest thing you’re known for in your family?
- Did you have an imaginary friend as a child?
- Who is your favorite family member and why?
- Did you have pets growing up, and do you have (or want) any now?
- What restaurant did you think was fancy when you were growing up?
Questions About Your Relationship
Don’t just ask about their day. Regularly taking the temperature of your relationship can help you solve problems in real-time and keep the connection healthy. It’s more than just a quick “how’s your heart?” It also matters that you stop and listen to their answers and consider them.
- What positive characteristics do you appreciate in me? (Both ask and answer.)
- What was the highlight of your day?
- How can I help you trust me more?
- What habit would you most like to break?
- What would I be surprised to learn about you?
- When did you last cry about something?
- What is your biggest fear?
- What is your ultimate fantasy?
- Do you ever feel left out and why?
- Which celebrities would make your Hall Pass list?
- What are the qualities you love about yourself?
- What are the qualities you love about me?
- When do you feel the most connected with me?
- What part of your day is absolutely, weirdly sacred to you?
- What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done for love?
- How do you feel you have grown the most? In what areas?
- What pet names do you irrationally hate?
- What does trust mean to you?
- How can I support you on your most challenging days?
- What is your preferred love language to receive love?
- What is your preferred love language to give love?
- What is your most annoying habit?
- What is my most annoying habit?
- What is one thing you would change about our relationship to make it more satisfying for you?
- Where would you most like to go with me on vacation?
- What does commitment mean to you, and what level of commitment do you most want long-term?
- What’s your ideal date night?
- How do you feel about Valentine’s Day and anniversaries?
- What do you consider to be “our song”?
- If going to a couples counselor would make our relationship stronger, would you be willing to go?
Some More Interesting Questions
Any question that helps you get to know your partner better is a question worth asking. Be endlessly curious about one another, and watch your love grow. Here are a few more interesting questions you could ask each other.
- What are you most proud of?
- What jobs or careers interest you beyond what you’re doing now?
- If you could eliminate one random band or artist from history, who would it be and why?
- Which fandom do you think is the most ridiculous?
- Which Hogwarts House would you be sorted into?
- What childhood cartoon would you most want to see a live action remake of now?
- Which celebrity should play you if your life was a movie?
- What movie quote do you use most often?
- What movie does everyone else love that you’ve either never seen or completely hate?
- What hobby have you always wanted to try?
- Who would you consider your very best friend and what qualities do they have that you admire?
- Who is the friend you’ve had for the longest amount of time?
- What is one food you would never try for any amount of money?
- What song, show, or movie qualifies as your most guilty pleasure?
- Can you do the chicken dance and/or the electric slide?
- What is your signature dance move?
- What is your favorite scent?
- What is your absolute favorite dessert?
- If you had to eat one food every single day of your life, what would it be?
- If you could go back and read any book again for the first time, what book would it be?
Intimacy isn’t something you form and then can neglect. It needs to be maintained. Nurturing your relationship requires asking questions and being open to the answers without assuming you know all there is to know about the other person.
Something as simple as playing 20 questions with your partner could open the door to knowing (and loving) each other better. Regularly checking in on the other person and on the health of your relationship could keep your connection going strong for years to come.
Let’s be honest: People change. Relationships do, too. You’ll either grow together, or you’ll grow apart. When neither of you is growing, you could be dealing with stagnation. That’s when relationships feel boring or downright toxic.
Asking a few questions isn’t enough to save a dying relationship, but it’s a start. If your relationship is going strong, taking the time to be curious about one another will only make it stronger. Don’t assume you know everything there is to know about the one you’re with. There’s always another layer to peel back — but first, you have to be willing to take a closer look.
Originally published on The Truly Charming
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