5 Subtle Signs That He’s Not Interested in You

Crystal Jackson

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER on Unsplash

Modern dating comes with plenty of challenges. We’re challenged to choose whether we’ll date online or hazard the potential perils of dating in real life (namely: finding single people in your area we’d actually want to date). If we opt for the online option, we then have to choose which app is best or juggle a variety of them … all for the chance of finding that special someone.

That’s just dating. We haven’t even calculated the enormous challenges of finding and then keeping a relationship. It can be overwhelming — but it doesn’t have to be. In fact, there are some parts of dating that we’re making harder on ourselves.

Let’s talk about the red flags that he’s just not into us. We can easily see the red flags, but we often ignore them in favor of what we want to believe. This makes dating a lot harder, and it can add exponentially to our heartache in the process. If we could just learn to walk away when it’s clear he’s not interested, we’d free ourselves up for someone who would be over the moon to partner us!

Here are five obvious red flags he’s not into you.

#1 He’s inconsistently responsive to messages — or just ignores them.

Believe me — if he is interested in you, he’s going to let you know. You won’t have to worry and wonder. He’s going to reach out. He’s going to respond. If there’s a gap in communication, he’s going to tell you why and not leave you thinking he’s not into you. You won’t have to employ your super-sleuth best friend to suss out what he’s up to you when he’s not replying to you for hours or days at a time. You won’t need to cyberstalk his account to see what’s up. And you absolutely won’t need to keep asking him to pay attention to you if he’s truly into you.

Before you throw out the whole man, be clear about your expectations around communication. Talk to him about what you want and need. This could be a difference in communication styles. More likely though, if you’re sitting around staring at your phone wondering why he doesn’t respond, you may have uncovered a red flag that needs your attention.

#2 He doesn’t make time for you.

If he always has a reason why he can’t see you, he’s lost interest. Move on. This is a huge red flag. We’re all adults with busy lives, but if he never makes time for you, this is a sign that he’s not as invested in you as you are in him. Instead of sitting around twiddling your thumbs in his waiting room, choose to get on with your life. After all, you have much better things to do than wait for him to make up his mind about you.

Consider if your expectations are realistic first. Do you expect him to spend every waking hour by your side? Are you asking that he give up time with friends or cast aside his hobbies for you? Do you have other interests that fill your time, or has your relationship become your hobby? Make sure what you expect is healthy. Everyone needs space and time to themselves. However, if you have a perfectly normal and healthy desire to spend some of your time with this person and he’s not making any time for you even when he could, this is a waving red flag.

#3 He avoids contact during major holidays.

A man who doesn’t want to have a relationship with you is going to avoid you at certain key holidays. He might just become non-communicative around Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, and whatever winter holiday he celebrates. This is a sign he’s not interested, but it’s easy to dismiss this one — especially when the relationship is new. Still, if he’s interested, he’s going to make an effort to reach out even if you can’t spend the holiday together. He won’t avoid you entirely — unless he’s just not into you.

This is another situation where effective communication strategies can serve you well. If a holiday is coming up, talk about what it’s going to look like for the two of you. Is it too early to spend it together? Do either of you have issues with the holiday such as past trauma related to it? Holidays like Valentine’s Day can put a lot of pressure on men, but avoiding it completely can create a sense of hurt and unease. When you openly talk about how you’re feeling and what you want, you’re more likely to get it — or be told that you won’t, which will leave you with a decision to make. Just know that avoiding holidays is often a red flag that they aren’t really into you.

#4 He doesn’t acknowledge the relationship on social media.

I’m not just talking about the relationship status update either. Watch how he behaves on social media. Does he post pictures of the two of you? Does he interact on your posts? Is he comfortable with you posting pictures of the two of you or tagging him in a meme? Everyone has different feelings about how open they are on social media, but if he’s active online but doesn’t show that he knows and spends time with you, you need to pay attention. This could very well be a key sign he’s not interested.

Too often, women will say their man is private, but he’ll openly post photos of past relationships, friends, and other people who are a part of his life. Why not you? This can show an imbalance in the relationship, and it could be a sign he’s just not into it. He should be proud to be seen with you. Even if he doesn’t want to post photos, it wouldn’t kill him to be tagged in a meme or to be the one to do the tagging. After all, memes have become a whole love language for many of us.

Speak up! If he’s being sketchy online, ask why. Instead of confronting him in an aggressive or passive aggressive way, be calm and direct. Assertively ask him about his online behaviors as it pertains to you. If it hurts your feelings that he’s not posting those pictures, let him know. He’s not a mind reader, and you don’t want that hurt to fester. Air it out. It could be a difference in how you feel about online privacy, but it could also be an issue of how you feel about each other. If he’s not all in, maybe it’s time for you to get out.

#5 He states that he’s not ready for a relationship.

A man who is telling you that he’s not ready for a relationship is telling you that he’s not interested in a relationship with YOU. That’s not an invitation to wait until he’s ready. He’s letting you know that he’s not into you because if he was, his whole attitude would change. He would want to lock you down and update that relationship status if he really wanted to be with you. He wouldn’t be saying that relationships just aren’t for him.

I’ve been in this exact situation many times. What’s funny-not-funny is that shortly after hearing this statement, they’ve updated their relationship status with someone else. It wasn’t that they weren’t ready for a relationship. They just didn’t want one with me. They might have been trying to avoid hurting my feelings but seeing those relationship statuses update stung! I’d rather know I’m not “the One” upfront.

You’re too great of a catch to sit on the sidelines and wait for anyone. If he’s not ready, that’s fine for him. Let him play the field or opt-out of dating. You don’t have to tag along. Instead, honor what he’s telling you, but do what’s best for you. Do yourself the favor of accepting that’s he’s just not into you. You’re free to move forward.

Final thoughts

The problem with dating and relationships is that we often hear what we want to hear and miss all the red flags that let us know that they’ve lost interest or never had it in the first place. We romanticize toxic behaviors and game-playing, and we spend far too much time worrying and wondering about what they’re doing instead of paying attention to the evidence. The red flags are there. We just don’t want to acknowledge what they mean.

It can be painful, but think of how much more painful it will be if you spend even more time on this person only to find out that what you suspected was true. You’re not going to save yourself any pain by ignoring the truth. You just might prolong it. Rejection is hard, but in the words of Glennon Doyle, You can do hard things. It will hurt, but then you’ll heal. The right relationship isn’t going to make you feel like this.

Sometimes, there is a very good reason for why he’s doing something. This is why communication is so important. If you’re not sure, just ask. Don’t assume. Talk it out. Ask for what you want and need directly rather than hinting about it. Then, you have to actually listen to what he’s telling you.

Most men aren’t going to come out and say they’re not into you. They don’t want to hurt your feelings, and they may be interested in keeping you around as a contingency plan. Know your worth and expect more for yourself. When you see the red flags that he’s not into you, it’s time to let him go so you can move on to better things.

Article originally published on The Truly Charming

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Crystal Jackson is a former therapist turned writer. She is the author of the Heart of Madison series and a volume of poetry entitled My Words Are Whiskey. Her work has been featured on Medium, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, The Good Men Project, and Elephant Journal. When she's not writing, you can find her traveling, paddle boarding, cycling, throwing axes badly but with terrifying enthusiasm, hiking, or curled up with her nose in a book in Madison, Georgia, where she lives with one puppy and two wild and wonderful children. Crystal writes about relationships, mental health, parenting, social justice, and more. Never miss an update. Subscribe to emails: https://crystaljacksonwriter.substack.com/

Madison, GA

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